Do They Have A Bottle Brush Down There????

This am I got "smacked upside the head" good by a message my sister Aloma sent regarding our trip to Bermuda next month. She told me that if Max liked any kind of cereal bring it with us, cereal was $7/box down there and also any particular snack that he can't do without.

I really think Amanda is in for a "culture shock" once she steps off that plane. I think Max will do better because of all the wildlife and plants he wants to see and the beach. So my ever-so-practical big sister said "don't forget it costs a lot to live in paradise", hehehe

Amanda thinks she can go swanning off in her lovely new clothes and pick up large Dunkin' Donuts iced coffees all day. After I told her she will carry a water bottle where ever she went and Scott's towels to mop her face, she wanted to know "do they have a bottle brush down there because she doesn't want any bacteria growing in her bottle!" I just about rolled around on the floor laughing my ass off

Fact: you walk and ride the bus everywhere and somehow co-ordinate rides if they are needed and available. There's one car per household, always has been, and last year when I went home I couldn't believe how packed the island was full of cars, motor bikes trucks etc all going 90 mph on the left-hand side of some very narrow roads.

When you ride the bus you very quickly learn to keep your head and arms inside the bus because the trees etc will slap you upside the head as you go :D

It's a whole different way of life down there. You don't rush about much in the hot sunshine. You carry your water bottle around in a tote bag with a small umbrella because it can rain and the Scott's towel to mop your face.

So I told my daughter who is half-Bermudian who hasn't been home since 1992, that believe me a bottle-brush would be the very least of her problems.

This reminds me my cousin LaVerne gave me my very own metal water bottle in a nice green colour and I have to dig it out and throw it in the suitcase...along with enough cereal to last Max for 10 days

More blog posts on this as I go. Bermuda is another world
*picture is Tobacco Bay in St George's, seems very quiet doesn't it????*

Sinkful Of Dishes And A Donut

I know that sounds crazy but just now The Old Man called me from work just to say that I need to wash that sinkful of dirty dishes and to give Max some of those small donuts covered in white powdered sugar for his breakfast.

I just said yes I would and he hung up.

This is what I have been reduced to mentally in the past week or so. That and eating everything in sight, the sweeter the better. I don't need advice, I know what is wrong with me.

There is a big hole inside of me which I am trying to fill with junk and I know it. The hole is there because my brain is acting up again and needs medical attention so it can function.

My brain doesn't do much these days. Look I have to be reminded to wash dishes and feed my grandson the same junk I am hooked on.

I see my Drug Nurse on Friday and The Hypnosis Guy on Thursday and I don't know what they will do with me.

All I know is I have to be up and running by May 20, with 10+ lbs gone.

I am going to Bermuda with Amanda and Max and the hole inside me has to be filled with something other than small donuts with white powdered sugar on them

Meanwhile I sit here while an unpronounceable volcano continues to wreck havoc with the airspace over Europe and the Shuttle is about to pass over several states on it's was to Florida

Something is wrong with this picture. Something about a sinkful of dirty dishes and a donut

Righteous Brothers - Dream on [new CD sound]

DREAM ON (Righteous brothers) and my rose coloured glasses

This isn't diet related either but I am sure anybody reading this will identify with songs from back in the day that just "stick with you" I fell in love with this song in 1974, before I went into the hospital with bipolar mental illness. Back then they called it "Manic-Depressive" and I went through great lengths to hide the fact that I was ever in the mental hospital. Back then people were not as accepting of disabilities, especially mental ones. You were labeled "crazy" and that was that.

ANYWAY, I was living in a comfortable dreamworld of my own making. This song had a section which went

"You're a princess
Chains around you
I'm the hero who just found you"

I don't know how I negotiated my way through the real world, going to work and doing everything I had to do. It's to my benefit that I can remember and actually feel some of what I felt from way back then.

Bridge Over Troubled Water is a song that means as much to me today as it did when I was 14. Anyway, that's my thoughts for today.

Make what you can out of it
Posted by Linda at 8:15 AM 0 comments

I Dread Small Spaces (Amanda and The Worm)

My daughter Amanda is a fire-fighter and is still going course after course, practical after practical. On my Wall today there is a video of a thing they call "The Worm", a very narrow pipe like thing where it gets even narrower and you have lie straight and inch forward with your toes and push your hat and gear ahead of you with your arms stretched out. Plus on top of all this, you are wearing an oxygen mask which is enough all by itself to cause a panic attack.They tie ropes to your legs to pull you out just in case

I don't think so.... I am extremely claustrophobic and I don't trust anybody to get me out when I freak. Therefore I avoid small narrow places like the plague. I cringe when I see people creeping through caves and crawling through tight places on NatGeo.

God bless all coal miners and their families especially when there is a mine accident like the one recently in West Virginia. I've seen the coal miner documentaries on TV. This must be like The Worm with the ghastly knowledge of a whole mountain pressing down on you as you work in cramped, dark places.

I've had Edgar Allen Poe dreams where the walls have closed in sideways on me and also where the floor and the ceiling creep closer and closer to me and I am forced to lie flat out, terrified and unable to move.

Which brings me to the MRI machine. Most people have no problem with them. Once they have the headphones on and can't hear all that awful clanking noises the 1/2 hour goes by and it's over.

I was in one for my left knee and only from the chest down. Just the feeling of being trapped, even 1/2 way, with no way that I could see of freeing myself if I had to gave me panic attacks. I had my right thumb on the push button thingy and my left hand crushing some poor technician's hand in a death grip.Music didn't help.

They tell me there are open MRI machines but in some cases they need to put you in the tube anyway. Somebody told me back in the early days the tube ends were closed OMG.

I think a lot of this boils down to trust and one thing I have found out about myself recently is I want to be in complete control over what happens me and not have to trust anyone else to get me out (MRI example). They could all just get up and leave me there and I would be trapped forever.

Sometimes they sedate a person if they are afraid. This is supposed to take away the fear long enough for them to get the job done. Not for me. What happens if I wake up and they have all run away and I can't get myself out??? There's plenty of reason for them to flee. Fire, nuclear bomb, meteor strike, terrorist attack, anything.

So back to Amanda and The Worm. When I asked her this am before she went to work doesn't any of this bother her, the danger, closed in places etc. she just said "Somebody has to do it". She has a point I guess

So long as that Somebody isn't ME

Why Do I Keep Shooting Myself in the Foot

I'm not doing well at all folks. I KNOW what I have to do to make the needle go down on the scale. So why oh why do I keep eating things that make me sick as well as fat???

Last night I ate 1 ice cream sand which, not one but two bread and butter sandwiches and assorted junk and useless calories throughout the day. It's like something is driving me. I know if I eat too much sugar I will feel sick and wish I had never seen whatever it was I ate.

A good example is on Thursday at work, in my 15 minute break, I saw fit to eat 2 devil-dogs and not one but two pieces of banana cream pie. I had eaten the devil dogs first with my coffee and a co-worker brought in the pie. Not one slice, but 2 slices and not little ones either. I felt sick and weak for most of the afternoon. Do I hate myself or what???

Every day I vow to do better. Every day I know it is not enough to make a good start with breakfast but I have to be on the straight-and-narrow for the whole day.

I know I have been feeling depressed here lately, like an awful resignation has taken over my life, nothing worth bothering for, just dragging myself from day to day. Yes I know I seem bright and cheerful every day here, every sentence has !!!! on the end of it. I've been doing this all my life.

I learned very early on in life that no one wants to listen to a depressed person moan on because it brings their mood down and gives them a sense of helplessness. People who care about you want to help you and it is very frustrating for them to listen and be unable to help you.

They can't help because it is in your own head. Everything in your life could be as perfect as it could be, and you could be living a life envied by all. But if you are depressed it doesn't exist for you, life seems like one daily struggling up a mountain until you go to sleep at night.

I take a lot of medication but it doesn't seem to be doing it's job. I can't take any more Xanax, it blocks the anxiety but you have to keep track of everything you are doing. I have to run each thought through my head before I do it so I can stay with every step I have to take.

Yesterday I didn't do this and somebody could have gotten hurt and I still feel terrible about it. I work in the Alzheimer units, I love my old folks and put myself in their shoes and feel bad.

Yesterday I unlocked the heavy door, opened it and decided I needed to empty my trash before I went in the unit. I just left everything and the nurse had to yell at me because I almost hit the sweetest little old guy when he went for the open door. Just thinking what would have happened if that heavy door had hit that 101 year-old man makes me cringe even as I am typing this.

I didn't think my actions through before I did them. I started one thing, abandoned it not thinking, and left to do something else.

Maybe I should quit work before I really hurt somebody with my own mental illness

The (Scrambled eggs) And I

Before I attack the eggs I want to thank Jennifer and Catmommie for their encouraging comments. I wrote a nice reply and lost it. Blogger has changed their comment rules since the good ole days when it was easy to ANSWER COMMENTS TO YOUR OWN BLOG grrr. I'll have to check my settings what a complicated mess everything is turning into. But if people care enough to leave a comment I should have NO TROUBLE leaving a comment on their comment!!!!! RANT OVER


Anyway back to the scrambled eggs. I have eaten two every day for breakfast since monday. It's so easy. It's all measured out unlike my rasion bran which I overdo. Half a measly cup or so doesn't cut it for me

I can hear everyone within the reach of these words yelling at me about Closterol, plaque build-up, strokes, heart attacks and all the horror stories especilly my relatives who know I take medication for high colesterol to start with.

But scrambled eggs are soooo easy. Beat two of them together with a little salt, some milk and use your 30 second option on your microwave. I find that stiring between the two times helps me to know what extra seconds are needed.

90 seconds were way to dry. For me about 75 seconds is the way I like them.

Plus no old frying pan to wash.

Eggs are quick, easy and inexpensive protein and the best of all they are very filling.

To bad they have gotten such a bad rep over the past few years. But then again, if you wait around long enough, they will ban other foods in the interest of good health. We will be left with nothing to eat at all

Eat your eggs!!! Any Rock people here, don't forget to count the extra catsup calories, rofl :D

3 lbs gone!!!

My summertime eating pattern has just kicked in and I hope it lasts long enough so I can lose a few more lbs before I go to Bermuda. I was 255lbs when I was on the scale 3 days ago and now I am 253!!!

After I posted the previous entry I decided it was time to try again while I could use May 21 as the finish line. In Bermuda even in May it is very hot and humid, not a good place to be a heavy person. After I ate like a pig the night before I got up Monday and decided Easter was over, must move on.

Sorry about the cholesterol but I scrambled 2 eggs in the microwave Monday morning and have continued to do so. If you eat protein and no starch you stay fuller longer and you don't get that awful griping feeling in your stomach.

Then I went back to riding my exercise bike (even though I still haven't replaced the adaptor that works the resistance and my work-out data)

After that I sat in my chair and listened to the Hypnosis Guy for 1/2 hour which helped me to "shut the kitchen down after 6 pm". Not eating after 6 helped me lose weight before the winter set in and I began shovelling in the carbs and sweets and gained back 15 lbs.

I don't have any clothes to wear that are decent enough and fit right and so I am wondering if a person that weighs 250lbs is way to heavy for Fashion Bug. It's been so long since I went into a bricks-and-mortar store rather than ordering online where I can't try anything on to see how it fits.

I also want to get a pair of sneakers that look nice and I can walk a long way in and not cripple myself. Last year I cleaned up my old New Balances which I wear for work and got on the plane in them. They are well broken-in but New Balances are not exactly a pretty shoe (if you wear them you know what I mean).

Also some Teva's or other comfortable sandal that won't trip me up walking over uneven sidewalks etc. Last year I had these awful gladiator sandals from Wallyworld that cost me $10 which had an ultra-thin sole and didn't fit right. Let's say I ended up wearing my New Balance "boats" everywhere I went (even when I went to church with Momma.)

Which is another thing. I didn't have anything decent enough to wear in social situations. back in the day when you went to church you dressed up. You didn't wear a baseball-type top with a pair of shorts even though they were a respectable length.
Momma said, don't you have a skirt or something???

No skirt and nice blouse, stockings and nice shoes to wear to church. Oh the scandal!!!

(above picture representable of what I am talking about. My mother and friends)

Trying again to get back on programme

Today's breakfast is gonna be scrambled eggs. I have been eating raisin bran (not measured out) and I am not getting anywhere. Seems if you start the day with carbs that's all you crave for the rest of the day.

Easter is OVER. No more candies, cookies, chips and defiantly no more muffins. Still am yet to get on my bike. I think I will have to grab the bull by the horns and order that plug that I need. The Hypnosis Guy told me the key to weight loss was my exercise bike and I have to get back on it.

I still am not making any time for myself to listen to my recording. How do I expert anything to work if I don't do what I am told???

I see the Weight Loss Surgeon on April 28 now because my March 31 appointment was cancelled do to the flooding here in RI.

If I am going home on May 21st and want to look half-way decent I've got to get a move on. I finally faced The Scale yesterday and I am 255lbs. All in all I think for all the junk I have eaten, the 15 or so more lbs. I have gained over the winter still puts me way ahead of my starting weight last summer of 283 but if I don't look sharp I will be back to that awful weight.

So again I try to put my feet back on the right path.
1) ride my recumbent bike 1/2 hr times 2 /day
2) listen to my hypnosis recording every day
3) no junk food or sugary things
4) no eating after 6pm

Off to scramble 2 eggs, take my asthma medication and first pills of the day

I've Lost Myself And Don't Know Where To Find Me

The Cat-Lady told me last Thursday that I need to carve out an hour of the day for myself, "me time". She is my therapist that I have had for 3 years or so, and I call her The Cat Lady because she has 8 cats (and two dogs) :D

I told her I can't get going with the programme I was so successful with last year, the one that I lost 40lbs with. The winter is over, the sunshine is back and I have a great incentive to get on with it and lose as much weight as I can in 6 weeks. My daughter gave me a plane ticket home to Bermuda. If that isn't a kick in the proverbial ass I don't know what is.

I told her about my kitchen mess and that my recumbent bike needs fixing and I hadn't listened to my hypnotic recordings in over 2 weeks. If I can't find 1/2 hour for that recording it's not gonna work for me right?

My new sink, counter and cupboards were put in yesterday. All that needs doing is to hook up the water to the sink. It looks just beautiful. So why am I not happy and ambitious and unloading all these boxes that were getting on my nerves for over 2 weeks??? The sun is out brightly shining, I love the sun don't I? So why am I not cheerful and looking forward to life?

Above all I have my plane ticket home with Amanda and Max, all very happy things for me right around the corner.

I have my medication, check. I have The Cat Lady rooting for me as she always has, check. The Hypnosis guy has done his part by the hypnosis sessions, and the recordings, check.

Even the damn sun is up in the sky shining away just like I like it to. The sun is doing it's job, check!!!!

I need to get on with it. I think I will try to find that undisturbed 1/2 hour and listen to my recording and take it from there. Everybody else finds time for what they want to do and they certainly don't consider my feelings on the subject.

Soon as DH takes his shower and he can watch Max, hopefully I can carve out 1/2 hour undisturbed peace for myself. It's the only way