I'm not doing well at all folks. I KNOW what I have to do to make the needle go down on the scale. So why oh why do I keep eating things that make me sick as well as fat???
Last night I ate 1 ice cream sand which, not one but two bread and butter sandwiches and assorted junk and useless calories throughout the day. It's like something is driving me. I know if I eat too much sugar I will feel sick and wish I had never seen whatever it was I ate.
A good example is on Thursday at work, in my 15 minute break, I saw fit to eat 2 devil-dogs and not one but two pieces of banana cream pie. I had eaten the devil dogs first with my coffee and a co-worker brought in the pie. Not one slice, but 2 slices and not little ones either. I felt sick and weak for most of the afternoon. Do I hate myself or what???
Every day I vow to do better. Every day I know it is not enough to make a good start with breakfast but I have to be on the straight-and-narrow for the whole day.
I know I have been feeling depressed here lately, like an awful resignation has taken over my life, nothing worth bothering for, just dragging myself from day to day. Yes I know I seem bright and cheerful every day here, every sentence has !!!! on the end of it. I've been doing this all my life.
I learned very early on in life that no one wants to listen to a depressed person moan on because it brings their mood down and gives them a sense of helplessness. People who care about you want to help you and it is very frustrating for them to listen and be unable to help you.
They can't help because it is in your own head. Everything in your life could be as perfect as it could be, and you could be living a life envied by all. But if you are depressed it doesn't exist for you, life seems like one daily struggling up a mountain until you go to sleep at night.
I take a lot of medication but it doesn't seem to be doing it's job. I can't take any more Xanax, it blocks the anxiety but you have to keep track of everything you are doing. I have to run each thought through my head before I do it so I can stay with every step I have to take.
Yesterday I didn't do this and somebody could have gotten hurt and I still feel terrible about it. I work in the Alzheimer units, I love my old folks and put myself in their shoes and feel bad.
Yesterday I unlocked the heavy door, opened it and decided I needed to empty my trash before I went in the unit. I just left everything and the nurse had to yell at me because I almost hit the sweetest little old guy when he went for the open door. Just thinking what would have happened if that heavy door had hit that 101 year-old man makes me cringe even as I am typing this.
I didn't think my actions through before I did them. I started one thing, abandoned it not thinking, and left to do something else.
Maybe I should quit work before I really hurt somebody with my own mental illness
Linda, I hear your cry for help and I just don't want to say this "just because", but I truly hear you and understand in many ways. In my journey, in search of me, I have found that I can only help others when I have helped myself. Often we spend much time taking on the cares of others so that we don't have to takes a look at our own "cares". I'll ask you this, "What makes you happy? What do you want?" I'm not talking about what makes you happy with others or what you want for others... I'm talking about the exclusive things of you. The weight won't go or the depression, until you focus on you. That's not selfish... it's your survival.
ReplyDeleteLove ya,
Rose
have you tried other anxiolytics? I've been taking Klonopin at night, but not during the day because it makes me too sleepy and dysfunctional. During the day I take Celexa and that seems to help, but not quite enough, and not much of any side effects besides some fatigue where I need a catnap late afternoon.
ReplyDeletelets see if this works for me
ReplyDeleteThe above was from me, Linda and I thank both of you for commenting...the old Blogger would just let me comment under my own name without this "profile" crap. Seems to me if it's my blog I should answer any old way I choose.* Settings isn't working for me, or maybe I am too dumb to figure it out*
ReplyDeleteRoseAnna thanks for your common-sense reply. You are not judging me, just reminding me I can't help anybody else if I don't look out for myself first. I have always had a hard time watching out for me. My medication nurse once told me "Linda, would you speak so harshly to other people and be so critical? So why can't you do the same for yourself?"
She is right and you also, maybe this is why I get nowhere and nothing and don't know where I want to go nor what it is I want. Something to think about...thanks Sis *hugz*
Catmommie I am bipolar and I take a cocktail of Lamictal (mood stabilizer) and two anti-depressents, Wellbutrin and Prozac. The Prozac even tho it is an old drug is being tried again. I tried Celexa last year and I felt very mindless and couldn't tolerate the side effects so they changed me to the Prozac. My problem is I get so used the medication that I have to keep going up in the dosage until I have to move on.
This is what happened to me summer before last. I had been on Effexor for years, just upping the mgs before I topped out at 360mgs and had to change. Right now I am at 70mgs. Prozac/day with the rest and the Xanax to help with the panic attacks and just to get me out the door.
I feel so sorry for you having to put up with mental illness, many of us are walking this path *hugz*