WHO AM I?????

It suddenly seemed clear to me that I am 2 people and while that sounds crazy it's making more and more sense. One side of me is depressed and negative and the other side of me is happy with a great outlook on life (focused on the positive). I've blamed Seasonal Affective disorder, Bipolar disorder, lack of a decent life etc but it seems what I get out of life depends on how I feel.

Take weight loss. It is summer now, my mood should be elevated, my ambition great and I should be able to focus better. My "summer way of eating" hasn't cut in yet. I am trying to put this down on paper so it will make sense.

One half of me is depressed, negative outlook on life, a doormat because I have no confidence at all and eat junk and make myself feel sick to my stomach, and do it over again. I seem unable to learn. I don't want to go out. I can't keep up. Other people see to have goals in life and they let nothing stand in the way of achieving them. Any old clothes will do as long as they cover, a fat body isn't worth spending money on.

Then there is the other part that of course I would love to hang on to forever. I would be such a better person. More outgoing, more ambitious, with a good, clear head. I listen to my hypnosis, don't eat after 6 and look forward to another day. I can see myself wearing my favourite type of clothing, a kind of hippy-BoHo style with leather sandals, long Indian skirts and embroidered peasant tops. When I am this person I am 55 but not a typical granma type. I like to swim against the tide and be different.

I don't know if I am explaining this well enough to get my point across. When I look back at my life it's always been that way, only I never put two and two together. I don't think any pill can put both my parts together to make one well-adjusted person who copes and doesn't get left behind in the dust while everyone else moves on.

I had a flash of my better self on the weekend when I had my nose pierced again. I saw some women in Swizzle Inn. Bermuda with those long tropical dresses on that I wish I could wear.

When I went home in May I actually felt a flash of this better person when I went swimming and having lots of laughs with family and friends. I feel very restrained in this house. And at other times it becomes a safe cave for me to hide out in.

It reminds me of that movie "The Three Faces of Eve" but there are only 2 of me and I am present in both cases. It's something in my brain that makes me feel one way or the other and I wish I could control this. It would make my life so much easier and I would be a happier person to be around