These are the words spoken at the end of every day at the Partial hospital by Jim before our group goes home (or upstairs as the case may be)
Monday is my last day of a five day course given by the Partial Hospital of Butler, a private psychiatric hospital. My med nurse sent me there as I had insurance and it might hope me cope a little better with life.
Every morning a member of the staff (in my case I was in Jim's group) would ask us how we did, what our goals for the day were and basically rally us for the day's work.. The Partial Hospital is set up like a high school, with courses laid out on a schedule, and we go from place to place to learn. Some classes were Anxiety Management, Challenging Negative thinking, Managing Feelings. We also had Women's Group (the Men had their own group) where we felt more free to talk about things we were going through.
Without mentioning what was said the range of things I heard were enough to affect me that day and the next. It seemed like all the awful experiences shared, soaked up like a sponge and I was like a stunned person. The next day I went in I mentioned this at Goal Setting and thru the day I shrank back from anything that would affect me, which included a Grief and Loss class. I didn't want to be depressed any further so I sat out in the lounge with others and did craft work.
Later I found out that the Grief and Loss class wasn't about people passing away, or pets. You can grieve for the loss of a job, divorce or any other life-altering experience. Wish they had made that plain I would have attended.
The first day was a muddle as I got used to finding my way around, getting used to the routine and trying to understand what was being taught to me. I would say at any given time there were at least ten of us in my room, more like 20 people when I first went on Tuesday. I don't know how many people attended altogether but people came and went as their 5 days were up.
You get attached to members of your group and feel sad as they leave and go back to their regular lives. All of the staff were very good to me and I will miss them when I leave. We were being taken out of classes all the time to see our doctors, social workers and other one-on-one appointments.
I wish I could write this up properly but my head still isn't screwed on straight. For once it was all about me and how I felt, and not about others I had to deal with in day-to-day life and I was kept on point. As were all the others attending. Each and every person was there to learn how to deal with their particular issues, one-on-one and with a group.
At the End of The Day Check In, this was when my group, with Jim as the leader, would ask us how our day went, were our goals met and what our goals were for the night. One time I said I would ride my bike for 5 minutes, wash my heap of dishes and for fun I would watch my Britcoms.
He went around to each person and wrote things on his legal pad.
Before he dismissed us, he always said. "Are you safe? If nobody loves you remember I do."
As I said, Monday is my last day. I'm gonna miss the place and the people who helped me and the people who struggled along with their private demons as I did. I think I learned some things along the way. I needed to take some time for myself, recharge my batteries so to speak, and have a safe place to be just Linda, and work on useful skills for myself
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Washed some Dishes and a Bra
I know that doesn't make much sense but I did it for 2 reasons. DH will be coming home soon and I don't feel like hearing about "I'm-so-lazy-I-can't-even-wash-a-dish-not-like-I-was-working-a-full-time-job-where-I'd-have-an-excuse."
The bra is more simple. I need a clean one to go to the Partial Hospital tomorrow and I do them by hand. I also cleaned the kitchen table, changed the litter box and cleaned the bathroom sink. That last I had no choice as I wanted to rinse my bra out in it and it was dirty.
The cat-litter box is aimed mostly at DD because I will have to hear it from her as she comes in the door after 5pm. I don't know. I'm not very good when it comes to obnoxious smells. After all cleaning toilets and rooms after dementia residents is what I do. I will also get it where the trash can is concerned. The kitty litter is taken care of. It's the kitchen trash that Amanda bitches about, she smells things I don't I guess.
I already heard from my 6 year old tormentor at 6am. When he wakes up he feels lonely so I am his punching bag until I can't take it any longer and I get up in a very sour mood and worn out. Thank God his helper came and got him after noon because while he is around I figure that is work enough and I have no energy to do anything else.
After he left I sat around here and about 2pm I decided to head several people off at the pass because I am so sick of everybody bitching at me. But you know, they will find something.
DH is notorious for digging out old shit to bitch about. I always tell him if he had everything the way he wanted he would be miserable because there would be nothing to complain about.
Max will be back after 3:30 and Gene is here so he can deal with him.
I am saying all this to get my point across that I am hanging on by my finger nails here and I hope the Partial Hospital programme will enable me to crawl back up and take back my life.
Oh yeah. Lest I forget. Walmart's pharmacy pill # is busy so that lets me off the hook for a little longer. I have 4 bottles to fill. Just another molehill I have made into a mountain to climb over
The bra is more simple. I need a clean one to go to the Partial Hospital tomorrow and I do them by hand. I also cleaned the kitchen table, changed the litter box and cleaned the bathroom sink. That last I had no choice as I wanted to rinse my bra out in it and it was dirty.
The cat-litter box is aimed mostly at DD because I will have to hear it from her as she comes in the door after 5pm. I don't know. I'm not very good when it comes to obnoxious smells. After all cleaning toilets and rooms after dementia residents is what I do. I will also get it where the trash can is concerned. The kitty litter is taken care of. It's the kitchen trash that Amanda bitches about, she smells things I don't I guess.
I already heard from my 6 year old tormentor at 6am. When he wakes up he feels lonely so I am his punching bag until I can't take it any longer and I get up in a very sour mood and worn out. Thank God his helper came and got him after noon because while he is around I figure that is work enough and I have no energy to do anything else.
After he left I sat around here and about 2pm I decided to head several people off at the pass because I am so sick of everybody bitching at me. But you know, they will find something.
DH is notorious for digging out old shit to bitch about. I always tell him if he had everything the way he wanted he would be miserable because there would be nothing to complain about.
Max will be back after 3:30 and Gene is here so he can deal with him.
I am saying all this to get my point across that I am hanging on by my finger nails here and I hope the Partial Hospital programme will enable me to crawl back up and take back my life.
Oh yeah. Lest I forget. Walmart's pharmacy pill # is busy so that lets me off the hook for a little longer. I have 4 bottles to fill. Just another molehill I have made into a mountain to climb over
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Eating Sugar Sandwiches but there is a Light at the End of the Tunnel
I just ate two sugar sandwiches. When I do this I am LOW. My weight has been creeping up and up. I know what I am doing and it isn't benefiting me at all. Here I am supposed to be getting for Weight Loss Surgery and the dietician wants some weight off me, not the other way around. Just don't care. Everything is going by me and all I do is watch it go on down the road.
Maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I can turn my life around again. Oh, I've tried everything, taken every pill, attended any number of therapy sessions rode my exercise bike and lost 40 lbs last year but half of it is back.
Yes I admit it I am an emotional eater but it has to be sorted out if the WLS is to work. The dietician last time told me that what's it gonna be like if they band my stomach and I keep picking? She then told me about a woman who lost 80lbs and ate it back by sneaking the wrong stuff in small amounts. This just defeats the purpose.
The light at the end of the tunnel is that on Tuesday I will be attending Partial Hospital at a Psychiatric hospital for a week. It is called partial because patients come and go. I will never be put in a Psychiatric hospital 24/7. Been there done that no one is locking me up anywhere.
The programme coordinator saw me on Thursday for my evaluation and assured me that it is not easy to get "locked up" any more, and that I am free to come and go, and that I was not "crazy"
.......................................................................................
Here is a little of what was written on the pamphlet that was handed to me, so people can understand what it is all about:
"The Partial Hospital team consists of doctors, therapists, nurses, mental health workers, social workers and occupational and activity therapists.
Doctors meet with you daily. They evaluate and diagnose your condition and help guide your treatment. They can answer any questions and concerns that you have about your condition, your medicine and your treatment.
Staff members will be available to talk with you at any time during your treatment to provide support and personal assistance.
In addition, medical internists, neurologists and psychologists serve as consultants".
..............................................................................................
My medicinal nurse figured this programme could help me and seeing as I had insurance there was no reason for me not to go. It is described as being like a whole year's therapy in one week.
I hope somebody up there can help me to gain self confidence, and the ability to stand on my feet and learn how to say "no" if I don't want to do what other people want me to do so I just feel used and very unhappy. We will see
Maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I can turn my life around again. Oh, I've tried everything, taken every pill, attended any number of therapy sessions rode my exercise bike and lost 40 lbs last year but half of it is back.
Yes I admit it I am an emotional eater but it has to be sorted out if the WLS is to work. The dietician last time told me that what's it gonna be like if they band my stomach and I keep picking? She then told me about a woman who lost 80lbs and ate it back by sneaking the wrong stuff in small amounts. This just defeats the purpose.
The light at the end of the tunnel is that on Tuesday I will be attending Partial Hospital at a Psychiatric hospital for a week. It is called partial because patients come and go. I will never be put in a Psychiatric hospital 24/7. Been there done that no one is locking me up anywhere.
The programme coordinator saw me on Thursday for my evaluation and assured me that it is not easy to get "locked up" any more, and that I am free to come and go, and that I was not "crazy"
.......................................................................................
Here is a little of what was written on the pamphlet that was handed to me, so people can understand what it is all about:
"The Partial Hospital team consists of doctors, therapists, nurses, mental health workers, social workers and occupational and activity therapists.
Doctors meet with you daily. They evaluate and diagnose your condition and help guide your treatment. They can answer any questions and concerns that you have about your condition, your medicine and your treatment.
Staff members will be available to talk with you at any time during your treatment to provide support and personal assistance.
In addition, medical internists, neurologists and psychologists serve as consultants".
..............................................................................................
My medicinal nurse figured this programme could help me and seeing as I had insurance there was no reason for me not to go. It is described as being like a whole year's therapy in one week.
I hope somebody up there can help me to gain self confidence, and the ability to stand on my feet and learn how to say "no" if I don't want to do what other people want me to do so I just feel used and very unhappy. We will see
Monday, July 19, 2010
Too Nervous To Drive
I have a drivers license and a SUV and am able to get myself to work on the weekends. I am able to drive around town and under extreme duress I will do my best to get to doctor's appointments out of town. But I won't drive in the city. Any appointments up there, I have to see if somebody can take me.
RI has the worst drivers in the US I swear. I've been cut off, tail-gated, passed on the inside and had the horn blown at me because I'm taking too long to pull out across traffic to get to the other side of the road. In fact, for years I have arranged my chores around town in such a way that I don't have to cross traffic unless there is a light to help me.
It's getting worse now. I have backed into and run into a couple of people, both incidents very minor but enough to make me nervous that the next time there might be worse damage.
I have gotten laughed at for several years because I am so cautious about driving, only going where I know and staying as far away from the next car as I can get. I have driven too many cars with questionable brakes to do otherwise. All these years DH has had a small auto insurance to pay because we have avoided accidents for years.
When he would say "you have a car and a license so what's your problem?" I have reminded him that because I know my driving limits and do my best to avoid contact with other cars, his auto insurance payments are $600/year for two old cars because we have been lucky enough to have an accident free record to keep the rates low.
Plus I am on a lot of medication and that worries me too. There was one anti-depressant I had to change because I found myself flying through a school zone without even thinking. Lucky it was on the weekend but I was so scared and shaking from what could have happened that I told my medical nurse I was dropping that pill. Now my medication is pretty well balanced but it's just one more thing to make me even more nervous.
Can you folks see what I am getting at here. I am not trying to be a nuisance or put people out because I want to be difficult. I just know my boundaries and they are getting smaller and smaller and my confidence is very low
RI has the worst drivers in the US I swear. I've been cut off, tail-gated, passed on the inside and had the horn blown at me because I'm taking too long to pull out across traffic to get to the other side of the road. In fact, for years I have arranged my chores around town in such a way that I don't have to cross traffic unless there is a light to help me.
It's getting worse now. I have backed into and run into a couple of people, both incidents very minor but enough to make me nervous that the next time there might be worse damage.
I have gotten laughed at for several years because I am so cautious about driving, only going where I know and staying as far away from the next car as I can get. I have driven too many cars with questionable brakes to do otherwise. All these years DH has had a small auto insurance to pay because we have avoided accidents for years.
When he would say "you have a car and a license so what's your problem?" I have reminded him that because I know my driving limits and do my best to avoid contact with other cars, his auto insurance payments are $600/year for two old cars because we have been lucky enough to have an accident free record to keep the rates low.
Plus I am on a lot of medication and that worries me too. There was one anti-depressant I had to change because I found myself flying through a school zone without even thinking. Lucky it was on the weekend but I was so scared and shaking from what could have happened that I told my medical nurse I was dropping that pill. Now my medication is pretty well balanced but it's just one more thing to make me even more nervous.
Can you folks see what I am getting at here. I am not trying to be a nuisance or put people out because I want to be difficult. I just know my boundaries and they are getting smaller and smaller and my confidence is very low
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Fed Up and Hanging By A Thread
I am writing this before I get ready for work. It seems like I am a sponge. Every ignorant thing that goes on around me (or to me) and every ignorant thing that is said to me, just seems to get stuck inside of me. It's supposed to bounce over me and have no effect.
I seem to think of it this way. Before I had a bubble around me and all the negative stuff would bounce off. And I have seen some negative stuff in my 55 years, same as everybody else has. To a greater or lesser degree.
Well folks my bubble has become eroded over the years, leaving me more and more vulnerable to BS. I think I have lost the last pieces of protection I had here lately because all I can do is cower before life, let it kick me around, and not kick back. Life yells at me and I don't yell back. Sometimes life even hits me and I don't hit back.
I've reached rock bottom and I am just existing. I can't even call it depression because I'm not even feeling anything good or bad. All I know is a person can only absorb so much negativity before they explode.
This is why Patti arranging this Out Patient Course is something I am hanging onto hear life. I do mthe evaluation on Thursday and I don't know what to expect at all.
I don't know what they will do to and for the other women who will attend this. Yes there are other powerless women in the world who have had enough and are going down for the third time. We just want someone to throw us a lifeline that's all
And now I have to get ready for work. Five hours of doing for others and being understanding and helpful and empathetic to my old folks. I seem to have no trouble providing to others what I should be able tom also provide for myself.
Patti once told me a few years ago that I would never treat anybody else as badly as I treat myself.
Well someone is throwing me a lifeline and I hope I can learn to cope and take back some of the personal power I have thrown away over the years
I seem to think of it this way. Before I had a bubble around me and all the negative stuff would bounce off. And I have seen some negative stuff in my 55 years, same as everybody else has. To a greater or lesser degree.
Well folks my bubble has become eroded over the years, leaving me more and more vulnerable to BS. I think I have lost the last pieces of protection I had here lately because all I can do is cower before life, let it kick me around, and not kick back. Life yells at me and I don't yell back. Sometimes life even hits me and I don't hit back.
I've reached rock bottom and I am just existing. I can't even call it depression because I'm not even feeling anything good or bad. All I know is a person can only absorb so much negativity before they explode.
This is why Patti arranging this Out Patient Course is something I am hanging onto hear life. I do mthe evaluation on Thursday and I don't know what to expect at all.
I don't know what they will do to and for the other women who will attend this. Yes there are other powerless women in the world who have had enough and are going down for the third time. We just want someone to throw us a lifeline that's all
And now I have to get ready for work. Five hours of doing for others and being understanding and helpful and empathetic to my old folks. I seem to have no trouble providing to others what I should be able tom also provide for myself.
Patti once told me a few years ago that I would never treat anybody else as badly as I treat myself.
Well someone is throwing me a lifeline and I hope I can learn to cope and take back some of the personal power I have thrown away over the years
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Maybe This Programme Can Help Me
Women's Program
The first of its type in the region, the Women's Program is dedicated to treating women who feel hopeless, overwhelmed, depressed, and suicidal. The program can also assist women who are self-injurious, painfully lonely, feel "out-of-control," or who have problems with relationships. Staffed by psychiatric experts in women's health, the program's treatment is based on Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), a clinically proven treatment that includes:
Individual therapy and medication management
Skills training in mindfulness, managing emotions, tolerating stress, and improving self-esteem
Weekly skills training follow-up groups for any interested patients after they are discharged
.....................................................................................
I had to place the information at the very top of my post so that I wouldn't forget to put it in.
I went to see my medicine nurse today, really didn't want to go because I thought there would be more pills to take and I am so sick of pills. I had a surprise.
After she heard about me being afraid of my 6-year-old grandson when he has his tantrums, and knowing about 20 years of BS I have put up with in my family life, she decided that this Woman's Group may be able to help me.
I haven't been able to help my situation and it's only getting worse and I don't think increasing my medication would help me any. I am barely aware enough as it is. Next Thursday I have to go and get evaluated for the programme. I am in uncharted territory. I have no idea what they will do with, and for me.
These classes will be from 9-3pm, like an out patient sort of thing, run by the private Psychiatric Hospital in RI. I will have to drive in the city as that is where the hospital is. I guess the class hours are in the quieter parts of the day, not the am and pm rush hour. I refuse to think about that part.
I have never stood up for myself. Even when I was in elementary school I was teased and threatened to be beat-up and I was scared to death. We all know there's no use to tell the teacher or Headmistress because that only makes it worse.
You learn through life to put your head down and keep going. Also to put a good face on things so that nobody knows how you feel inside. After a while you withdraw more and more from social situations, anything where you felt confident enough to stand your own ground and trust your own judgement.
I'm passed all that. People have belittled me, used me for a doormat and now my own 6-year-old grandson who I love to death itself slaps me, kicks, pushes, shouts and throws things at me and I can't make him do anything because I don't want to deal with anything I can avoid.
Maybe these people can help me. I never knew I had any other option for help, having figured this would be my lot in life, to take so much medication and feel victimised in my own house by everybody, the latest being a 6-year-old.
I really didn't have much of a role model, my mother was treated much the same, except none of us children would never even THINK of raising a hand to her.
Maybe this will help. The insurance will pay for it. Maybe there is still a little time to teach me to stand on my own two feet and make judgements for myself, instead of giving my life over to others to kick around
The first of its type in the region, the Women's Program is dedicated to treating women who feel hopeless, overwhelmed, depressed, and suicidal. The program can also assist women who are self-injurious, painfully lonely, feel "out-of-control," or who have problems with relationships. Staffed by psychiatric experts in women's health, the program's treatment is based on Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), a clinically proven treatment that includes:
Individual therapy and medication management
Skills training in mindfulness, managing emotions, tolerating stress, and improving self-esteem
Weekly skills training follow-up groups for any interested patients after they are discharged
.....................................................................................
I had to place the information at the very top of my post so that I wouldn't forget to put it in.
I went to see my medicine nurse today, really didn't want to go because I thought there would be more pills to take and I am so sick of pills. I had a surprise.
After she heard about me being afraid of my 6-year-old grandson when he has his tantrums, and knowing about 20 years of BS I have put up with in my family life, she decided that this Woman's Group may be able to help me.
I haven't been able to help my situation and it's only getting worse and I don't think increasing my medication would help me any. I am barely aware enough as it is. Next Thursday I have to go and get evaluated for the programme. I am in uncharted territory. I have no idea what they will do with, and for me.
These classes will be from 9-3pm, like an out patient sort of thing, run by the private Psychiatric Hospital in RI. I will have to drive in the city as that is where the hospital is. I guess the class hours are in the quieter parts of the day, not the am and pm rush hour. I refuse to think about that part.
I have never stood up for myself. Even when I was in elementary school I was teased and threatened to be beat-up and I was scared to death. We all know there's no use to tell the teacher or Headmistress because that only makes it worse.
You learn through life to put your head down and keep going. Also to put a good face on things so that nobody knows how you feel inside. After a while you withdraw more and more from social situations, anything where you felt confident enough to stand your own ground and trust your own judgement.
I'm passed all that. People have belittled me, used me for a doormat and now my own 6-year-old grandson who I love to death itself slaps me, kicks, pushes, shouts and throws things at me and I can't make him do anything because I don't want to deal with anything I can avoid.
Maybe these people can help me. I never knew I had any other option for help, having figured this would be my lot in life, to take so much medication and feel victimised in my own house by everybody, the latest being a 6-year-old.
I really didn't have much of a role model, my mother was treated much the same, except none of us children would never even THINK of raising a hand to her.
Maybe this will help. The insurance will pay for it. Maybe there is still a little time to teach me to stand on my own two feet and make judgements for myself, instead of giving my life over to others to kick around
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Just Don't Give A Shit
If there are any depressed people reading this right now, they will know what it's like to walk in my moccasins
I need to get a shower. It is expected of me to keep up my personal hygiene. I don't give a good shit but I will have to find the strength to get one
I need to wash all these dishes. It is expected of me to wash them. I don't give a good shit but I will have to find the strength to do them
My mind is all confused and I can't concentrate and I am very sad. I don't give a good shit but I am expected to keep on top of things so I will have to get the wherewithal to do so
There are ants crawling around on the floor next to me. They will go away when they find no food. fuck'um
I am watching my grandson. I know there is a God because there is a TV here with kid's programmes available, and milk and food around. If he wants some he will ask. If I ask him if he wants anything to eat I will set him off. I don't want to set him off so I will leave him alone
I don't want to go outside, I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to do anything and I don't want to see anybody or talk to anybody on the phone. I don't want to call up Patti's office for help because they will make me come in and I don't want to go
Myb daughter orders me around like I am 2 years old. Maybe I deserve it because that's how old I feel. But then again 2 year olds are doing better than me at present. So how can I fight back because she is right
My husband orders me around too. Maybe because of the same reasons my daughter does. My grandson who is 6 orders me around as well. Well that's all everybody does to me so why shouldn't he
I know I sound pathetic but I don't give a good shit because this is my blog abnd I can say what I want to here. It maybe the only place I can ever have an opinion that nobody has the right to shut me down, hit me, yell at me, belittle me and make me feel less than human. I guess I don't give a good shit about that either
I need to get a shower. It is expected of me to keep up my personal hygiene. I don't give a good shit but I will have to find the strength to get one
I need to wash all these dishes. It is expected of me to wash them. I don't give a good shit but I will have to find the strength to do them
My mind is all confused and I can't concentrate and I am very sad. I don't give a good shit but I am expected to keep on top of things so I will have to get the wherewithal to do so
There are ants crawling around on the floor next to me. They will go away when they find no food. fuck'um
I am watching my grandson. I know there is a God because there is a TV here with kid's programmes available, and milk and food around. If he wants some he will ask. If I ask him if he wants anything to eat I will set him off. I don't want to set him off so I will leave him alone
I don't want to go outside, I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to do anything and I don't want to see anybody or talk to anybody on the phone. I don't want to call up Patti's office for help because they will make me come in and I don't want to go
Myb daughter orders me around like I am 2 years old. Maybe I deserve it because that's how old I feel. But then again 2 year olds are doing better than me at present. So how can I fight back because she is right
My husband orders me around too. Maybe because of the same reasons my daughter does. My grandson who is 6 orders me around as well. Well that's all everybody does to me so why shouldn't he
I know I sound pathetic but I don't give a good shit because this is my blog abnd I can say what I want to here. It maybe the only place I can ever have an opinion that nobody has the right to shut me down, hit me, yell at me, belittle me and make me feel less than human. I guess I don't give a good shit about that either
Monday, July 12, 2010
somebody else behind my grandson's eyes
Many people here know my grandson is autistic, and is in a programme to help him since he was two years old. He is high functioning ie able to go to school and learn with a regular class. He does well. He just "graduated" from kindergarten and will be in 1st grade this school year.
Having said that, I love my grandson with everything I have and would defend him to the death if anybody threatened a hair on his head.
Max has a "helper" (I don't know her official title) who means the world to me and is like family and helps my daughter with all his problems. She was a lifesaver to me yesterday.
I had worked yesterday and every bone in my body ached, especially my legs and feet. So I put them up on another chair and Max decided that was the chair he wanted. He didn't ask nicely, if I had I would have taken my feet down.
We are not supposed to give way to others, when they feel the world revolves around them. Max is autistic, and his ongoing programme is to help him see there are others around him and he must share and must not demand and be given everything he wants on a silver platter.
Well to cut a long story short I was hit, kicked, punched, smacked, had things thrown at me and he went and got a toy machine gun and shot me with it. I kept staring at him and when I looked at his eyes, my grandson was not there. Somebody else was behind his eyes and that somebody was in a rage and didn't recognise me as their grandmother.
That scared me more than anything and I am still shook up about it. If anybody hits me I just sit there and hope it will go away but the somebody behind my grandson's eyes just hept hitting and kicking and clawing at my arms and screaming at me
Luckily his helper showed up and explained to me that Max was in another world when he went into rages like that and I must get up, go into his bedroom where he will follow me, and tell him to punch a pillow and get it out of his system. Then shut the door and go away until he was done.
This is the same loving kid who puts his arms around me and says he loves me and sticks to me like glue and would do anything for me if I ask the right way.
I was truly scared yesterday, more scared than I have ever been in my life because I avoid bad situations as much as I can but this one was right in my face. Some stranger was in my house beating me up and all I could do is sit there.
The helper took him to her house for a couple of hours and he was like gold. Ate supper and everything. Later on he hugged my neck and told me he loved me and his eyes were the eyes I recognised from the day he was born
God help me
Having said that, I love my grandson with everything I have and would defend him to the death if anybody threatened a hair on his head.
Max has a "helper" (I don't know her official title) who means the world to me and is like family and helps my daughter with all his problems. She was a lifesaver to me yesterday.
I had worked yesterday and every bone in my body ached, especially my legs and feet. So I put them up on another chair and Max decided that was the chair he wanted. He didn't ask nicely, if I had I would have taken my feet down.
We are not supposed to give way to others, when they feel the world revolves around them. Max is autistic, and his ongoing programme is to help him see there are others around him and he must share and must not demand and be given everything he wants on a silver platter.
Well to cut a long story short I was hit, kicked, punched, smacked, had things thrown at me and he went and got a toy machine gun and shot me with it. I kept staring at him and when I looked at his eyes, my grandson was not there. Somebody else was behind his eyes and that somebody was in a rage and didn't recognise me as their grandmother.
That scared me more than anything and I am still shook up about it. If anybody hits me I just sit there and hope it will go away but the somebody behind my grandson's eyes just hept hitting and kicking and clawing at my arms and screaming at me
Luckily his helper showed up and explained to me that Max was in another world when he went into rages like that and I must get up, go into his bedroom where he will follow me, and tell him to punch a pillow and get it out of his system. Then shut the door and go away until he was done.
This is the same loving kid who puts his arms around me and says he loves me and sticks to me like glue and would do anything for me if I ask the right way.
I was truly scared yesterday, more scared than I have ever been in my life because I avoid bad situations as much as I can but this one was right in my face. Some stranger was in my house beating me up and all I could do is sit there.
The helper took him to her house for a couple of hours and he was like gold. Ate supper and everything. Later on he hugged my neck and told me he loved me and his eyes were the eyes I recognised from the day he was born
God help me
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