The Muffins

One thing I will really miss after Nov.5 is my coffee cake muffin from the Dunk. Also the Pumpkin muffins too. Mind you, eating so many muffins has made me muffin shaped so they are doing me no favours but they are sooo good. I don't even think I get to drink Pumpkin coffee (maybe I can if I add my own skim milk and sweetener) but you know it wouldn't be the same without the good ole fattening creamer and sugar.

In my younger, skinnier, poorer days you could get 4 muffin Jiffy Mix for $1 and I made them all the time. Two packages together made 12 and were very good with plenty of butter. There were more sweet-eaters around then than I live with now so I didn't get to be a pig with them.

When Jiffy Mix for muffins was 3 for $1 (the corn ones were still 4 for $1) I still baked them but there tended to be more of them around and they went right around my middle so I quit making them. In fact I haven't baked in a long while.

The last time I made muffins was when Amanda and I went to church and there was always a call for baked goods for Sunday School, Pot-luck suppers, bake sales, and I had a new, very dangerous type of muffin. Two boxes of cake mix made exactly 48 muffins, and these fitted very nicely in a cookie pan covered with foil paper.

They were dangerous because I made them for the seasons. Halloween Party cupcakes would have been chocolate cake, orange icing and decorated with candy corn or something similar. Easter would have meant yellow cake with pastel icing and Easter candy, and so on.

I was very generous with the icing and candy.........needless to say I haven't been to church for years much less baked any kind of muffin.

And so next week, November 5, I start my 2-week pre-op protein shakes diet, and of course after there will be more shakes gradually working up to food. But my job will be to get as much protein and nutritional food as I can ( which will leave no room for junk) into that tiny stomach. That plus vitamins will keep my hair from falling out *shriek*

And so my last weekend for junk and Reece's Peanut Butter cups. But if I do it right there should be much less of me by this time next year. Hopefully my craving for sugar will be way in the past *crosses fingers*

The Person I Was

 

I always loved Indian anything and when I was in Walgreen's just now I checked out the "rock-bottom" sale shelf and saw this bag and another like it, only in browns. They were originally 2 for $10 and are Indian patterened cloth bags, such as I would have carried in the '70's back in my hippy days, so-to-speak.

I paid $1.50 for it, brought it home and said, maybe I could use this bag for inspiration as I get closer to my WLS as encouragement to carry on. Maybe when I lose weight I might recapture something of the person I used to be. I liked Bo-Ho 70's stuff but it's impossible to wear any of that at the size I am now. Maybe if I work hard enough, I can wear a little of it again

Ordered An Abdominal Support..My Aches and Pains

This support is costing me $60 in all. It's extended size and I want it to support my stomach and take some weight off my back. Girdles don't work much any more because they make them long in the torso and I think it only makes things worse to have them bunched up around my waist. When I work it's far too hot to use a body shaper like this. So this is a simple support just for the belly (where most of my weight problems are) and help my back not to ache when I do the least little thing other than sit on my lazy butt all day.

Ache and Pain #2
My left ankle, which has this bone splinter in it that I never knew about because it never gave me many problems before. So my feet hurt. What else can I expect at 280lbs? X-rays showed the problem and I have been wearing ankle support and ace-bandages for over a month now. It is getting mighty old. And again, this is aggravated by standing on it too long, or working my weekends, which turns me into a cripple until I sit down

Ache and pain #3

My left knee and sometimes the long bone attached to it. I have fallen on this knee so much in the past. It seems like every time I fell, this was the knee that hit the ground first, so it's much worse than my right one. Again, gets very aggravated when I stand or walk too long.

Ache and pain #4

My back. The weight of my belly strains it, as well as the fact that I have degenerative spine problems. I was assured that as you get older (and being obese certainly doesn't help) that this is common, some are more degenerated than others. Either way my back kills me if I do anything but sit. This is why I have ordered this abdominal support. It is more costly than I wanted to pay but I looked at the cheap ones and dismissed them for one reason or the other and kept coming back to this one. It's for extended sizes 2x-4x and should get round my stomach and help my back. The girdles are not cutting it any more and regular binders are so wide and as I don't have a torso (being little over 5' and all my weight in my middle section) a regular binder would be too wide in the wrong places.

I think I'm ready to exchange my junk food for a smaller size now. When weight affects your mobility it's time to get something done about it

Weight Loss Surgery..various thoughts on Sugar

Now that my surgery is right around the corner I have a whole lot of new thoughts going through my mind, the least of which is making it alive through the procedure. I trust my dr. and everyone who will take care of me, call me dumb but that part doesn't linger in my mind at all.

The thing that haunts me is suppose this doesn't work. Suppose after all my good intentions and going under the knife I still stay 280lbs. Suppose my sweet tooth overtakes my new small stomach. They say the lap band isn't as successful when it comes to people addicted to sweet.

To me addiction to anything sweet is a state of mind and it's followed me all my life. I can follow a diet and lose weight but sugar creeps up on you. I can chase it away for a while then there it is again, haunting me. I am looking through the forums and articles about how to deal with sweet.

If I can conquer this I stand a better job of losing this great millstone around my middle section and better my quality of life. I have to think about this and keep the evil Sweet Monster away. Salt is no problem, I can do without that, there's Mrs Dash and the natural flavours come through the food when you don't drown it in salt.

Crispy things like chips I can give or take, and peanuts fall in the same category. I like fruits and veg. but a large part of my diet will be protein and I was never a big protein eater. Guess I'll have to learn won't I.

This will not come easy to me and I hope I have the strength to keep to the straight and narrow. Even when things get hard, even when I am depressed, even when life drags me down.

This time next year if I handle this right, perhaps I can be 80lbs less with any kind of luck and staying away from my "red light" foods. Those of us who went to old school Weight Watchers remember red, yellow and green foods. Ice cream, cake, pie, cookies etc fall into that catagory for me

I may never eat these foods again!!!

I am busily stuffing myself with plenty of goodies as my time is rapidly approaching when I can't have them any more. November 5th is the day I start the shakes and small meals and vitamins. I am dreading this and on the other hand wish it would hurry up so I can get on with it.

I gained 30lbs since May and it is very easy to see where they have come from. I have been a pig, just eating, knowing I will be forced to stop and knowing that eating will be a very different experience once the band is in.

I don't feel well as I eat through my last goodie binge. I have heartburn and I generally feel like a heavy bag of cement that has water being added to it. The food just sits around in my stomach and I know I am carrying a lot of fluid. I am also right back in my "fat clothes". But I am busily saying "good bye" to pastry, KFC, large helpings and just eating because it is there and because it tastes good.

I have a few things I would like to eat besides sweet things. Pizza and Italian grinders with all the trimmings, yum yum. Spare ribs from Smoky Bones, the whole rack so I can eat more later. Buffet places so I can find the greasy, fattening fried things and the desserts. Buffet places usually love me because I am not a big eater in one sitting, and I am not a big meat eater and they make all kinds of money on me because desserts are cheap to make.

After I get my band, the emphasis will be on getting all the protein I can in my small meals, and taking vitamins and getting back on the exercise bike. My reward will be my clothes getting looser, taking excess weight off my left leg and ankle so I can walk again, and being able to wear decent shoes. Hopefully I will gain as much of my health as I can and get enthusiasm back in life.

Right now, even tho I can eat whatever I want, I am not happy. I am over 280 lbs and I need to lose a good hundred of them. Over the years I have gained 130lbs and as many of them as I can get rid of, I hope I can reach my goal of size 14

The Pit of Despair

I got up at 9:30. I hate that. Of course the alarm, my daughter and grandson in turn tried to get me out of bed but I slept on with my c-pap machine. The sheer inertia. This is past depression. This is just standing still with a brain that is completely white-washed. If this is what Abilify does I don't think I want to continue with this drug.

I need ambition and drive and ...lets face it...a pain-free ankle. That ankle with the chipped bone is really dragging me down and what is there to do about it. Dr Pohl and I agreed that all my excess weight was aggravating it. It was always there, just in the background and manageable.

It's hard to work like this. It is way to easy to sit on my ass like this and write useless drivel waiting for life to happen to me instead of the other way around.

Something will motivate me but the motivation won't come from within. The nurse is supposed to call me this week with my surgery date and then I can pull myself together and get the diet shakes and vitamins and wait for life to transform me instead of the other way around. I may lose weight. I may shed 100lbs over the next year and that would be a very great success. Weight-loss wise.

But what will I be left with? Better health and the same old mind? Or will the old me return with a better outlook on life?

So I wait here for life to deal with me and I take what's left. No fight left in me at all

Weight-loss saga, things are picking up now

On Thursday I saw Dr. Pohl and he told me in about a month I could have my lap-band surgery done. It's been a long hard road lasting 5 years now, and I know a great deal of hard work is awaiting me. I had gained 30lbs since I saw him last but he didn't dwell on it. I told him about my ankle and my knee and agreed with me that the only cure for these was less weight to aggravate the joints.

Next week the nurse is supposed to call me with my surgery date. I have some paperwork to fill out and send back. I have to see the anaesthesiologist and have the blood tests done and between all this be on their shakes diet for 3 weeks before the doctor operates.

Money is so short in this house. It's so depressing and just when I have to buy special stuff to eat and the vitamins they want me to take and there is no way around it. I have to go to GNC for their protein powder and drink 3 shakes a day, with a light meal for supper. I hate to cook so it's frozen diet meals for me. I get along very well with diet shakes and at least I am allowed one at night.

I can also drink regular coffee and tea provided I use a serving of skim milk and I am very grateful for this because without coffee I would never wake up in the am. So having lose 60lbs before on the same kind of diet in 3-4 months I imagine I can do it again.

I am so happy I was approved for the surgery finally and that all my tests came out well. Within all the depression maybe I can find a small encouraging thought that maybe something will get better for me. Just so many problems, irritations and things-I-can't-help in my life. Sometimes I can deal with it better than other times

Been a long time since I last posted

Why does it take such an effort for me to do the things other people just take in their stride of a day? Even taking my pills is something to be put off as long as possible. Who am I to wish someone would show up and hand me a small paper cup of pills just like the nurse does in the nursing home where I work?

Taking a shower, fixing myself something to eat, much less doing household chores requires such an effort. This is why I tend to reach for the easiest thing in front of my face to eat. Junk requires no thought, no preparation, such a pity it is so terrible for your health. No matter what the people in this house think, it isn't my choice to eat junk food and deliberately make myself fat and unhealthy. It's just EASIER, what part of that don't normal people understand?

I see Dr. Pohl (weight loss surgeon) on the 14th for my next office visit. The insurance has cleared my application and it's all systems go I guess but I know he won't recognise me from what I was 4 months ago. I am fat and very swollen in the face and have a bum left leg and a brace on my foot. I haven't gotten on my bike in a long while, it is growing dust and clothes. It's not that I don't want to exercise. I know what I have to do. It's just I can't seem to make the transition from the seat I am on now, and the seat on the bike.

PEOPLE JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND what depressed people go through. They give us lip-service and medication, push us out the door with a list of things to set us on the right path for health. But something gets lost in the translation and it is all I can do to put one foot ahead of the other. So far I have taken my am pills, filled out and posted two bills and cleaned my teeth. Gene is embarrassed to have to get my pills from Wal-mart and I can't blame him. I am all out of Lamictal and the Wellbuterin is not far behind.

Somehow I will have to get a shower and drive up there and run in and out of the pharmacy because I have no choice. If I don't take those kinds of pills I feel very sick very quickly.