I am very depressed with no motivation at all and the smallest tasks seem like mountains to overcome. But this time it is my fault. I haven't taken my Respiridol (sp) in four days. This is because the bottle is still sitting up in the Walmart pharmacy. Why is it up there you might ask. At least it has company there are 3 other refills waiting, two belonging to DH. I will get them today. We have to go to the bank to deposit the income tax cheques (don't worry, my car repair ate up nearly all of them.)
Between now and then I have to take a shower and wash my hair. A big task that I don't feel like doing but I know I have to do it. Then there's all the dishes to be washed. I am not lazy folks. I have worked hard in the past, and managed to do things I look back on with amazement.
Today I just put Max on the bus, what a nervous wreck I was, I stood by the window for nearly 1/2 hour afraid to sit down in case the bus came and Max would miss it on account of me. Why so nervous for nothing. This is an easy task and shouldn't bother me at all.
A few years ago I was bringing him to day-care and driving to work and making 8am. I remember doing it like a robot, step by step but at least I was doing it. If I had to do it again, don't know how I would cope.
It's got to be that when I do get out, I look at everybody in their jobs and wonder how it is they are able to do these jobs and accomplish all the tasks. Of course I did this for years. Although I never liked dealing with the public. My best job would be to do something which didn't involve others because it is getting harder and harder just to face people. People don't bite. Maybe it's the effort it takes just to make conversation. On the weekends I just see the weekend staff and the residents and they all know me.
I like things to be routine and not change on me and leave me hanging wondering what to do or what to say. It makes me nervous just to think about a job where I would have to think on my feet, like say for example, working in a busy coffee shop waiting on the public and operating the window where you have to use the cash register.
I worked in McDonald's in the grill for 2 years, hot, bothersome work that keptme on my feet all day. They wanted me to learn the register and the window but no way could I cope, I was a nervous wreck in case I made a mistake and I would get shouted at. Right now if I could find a way to get the $70 I get for my 2 day's work I would quit there as well. The weekend is to be dreaded.
I am not lazy, I am just afraid of life I guess. Today I will have my other pills. Maybe I will feel a little better. Meanwhile I have to shower and washy my hair and get these dishes done
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Japan...some thoughts
I was stunned last week when Japan sustained such a large earthquake and tsaumi, surely way and above what a country ought to be asked to stand. Now I am still stunned this week and it feels like a large wave knocked me over and pinned me down on the seabed because of this nuclear reactor accident. It just gets worse and worse. I am seeing a lot of snow now where Sendai (northern part of the island that suffers the most) and people just wondering around lost.
I think about how rescuers must think when they survey the endless rubble of houses, vehicles and such as far as the eye can see. How do you overcome how hopeless it is. How do you cope with the feeling that there may be people just hanging on in that rubble by a miracle and you are unable to find them, much less save them. How does a rescuer place him or herself in danger climbing in and out of the debris only to find dead people under it.
How does it feel to have escaped that murderous wave only to find yourself alone, family lost, everything you own gone, just walking up and down with no idea of what to do next but to walk back and forth. Maybe someone might take you by the elbow and steer you to a shelter where there is a little food to eat, a little tea to drink...maybe? With all the hungry homeless filling these shelters already, how do you hold out your hand for food when there is next to nothing and a hungry child is next to you crying?
Added to that is the radiation from that nuclear plant....nobody is explaining in detail how much radiation there is, the true condition of those reactors and what is a safe distance to be away from them. All those people plus rescuers, reporters, military and so forth could be walking under a deadly reactive cloud but nobody knows for sure, and if they do, nobody is telling.
I could carry on and on but this is all I will say here, there is too much going on in my head that is impossible to get my brain around. What has happened to Japan can happen here in the US or any other country. The unfathomable thing is, the impossible is still going on there, There are still after shocks and even more earthquakes even. There is no food, no gas, the weather is against them and now there is this radiation thing. You can't see, smell or feel radiation until after it affects you. An invisible, undetectable monster spreading over the whole planet
I think about how rescuers must think when they survey the endless rubble of houses, vehicles and such as far as the eye can see. How do you overcome how hopeless it is. How do you cope with the feeling that there may be people just hanging on in that rubble by a miracle and you are unable to find them, much less save them. How does a rescuer place him or herself in danger climbing in and out of the debris only to find dead people under it.
How does it feel to have escaped that murderous wave only to find yourself alone, family lost, everything you own gone, just walking up and down with no idea of what to do next but to walk back and forth. Maybe someone might take you by the elbow and steer you to a shelter where there is a little food to eat, a little tea to drink...maybe? With all the hungry homeless filling these shelters already, how do you hold out your hand for food when there is next to nothing and a hungry child is next to you crying?
Added to that is the radiation from that nuclear plant....nobody is explaining in detail how much radiation there is, the true condition of those reactors and what is a safe distance to be away from them. All those people plus rescuers, reporters, military and so forth could be walking under a deadly reactive cloud but nobody knows for sure, and if they do, nobody is telling.
I could carry on and on but this is all I will say here, there is too much going on in my head that is impossible to get my brain around. What has happened to Japan can happen here in the US or any other country. The unfathomable thing is, the impossible is still going on there, There are still after shocks and even more earthquakes even. There is no food, no gas, the weather is against them and now there is this radiation thing. You can't see, smell or feel radiation until after it affects you. An invisible, undetectable monster spreading over the whole planet
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Got my comeuppance
I think my stomach is ok now. I am heating the kettle for a cup of tea. As the title says, I got my comeuppance and it was way overdue. I must learn to chew chew chew my mouthfuls and not to eat so much.
Those of you with weak stomachs can opt out here:
...............................................................................................
I had some sweet and sour pork from the Chinese place up the street, the one where my husband really likes the food (he is picky). Anyway here's this sweet and sour pork with fried rice and egg roll, something I shouldn't be eating anyway. I ate some and put the rest away.
A couple of hours later I decided to eat more. Let me tell you, for the one person in the world who doesn't eat Chinese food, that the pork is heavily battered and fried like a nice piece of fried fish, well, it's FRIED and I love fried food. And the red sauce, well yum yum on the tum
To cut a long story short, I ate too much, the food had no where to go but back up because of the restriction around my stomach. After I threw up I felt no better. I could feel food kind of stuck on it's way down to my main stomach but I had to let it just make it's way down there on it's own. Now I am ok but I was in pain for about an hour.
Well it serves me right. I'm not supposed to eat this kind of fattening food anyway. And when I do eat it, I need to chew chew chew very thoroughly so the food will go down right down and not get stuck. I have to remember that the band in my stomach works by restricting the amount of food I eat. If I eat too much or too fast, I get my comeuppance...and that's the first time since the operation that the food did come back up (yeah I know that's a pretty poor play on words.)
Lesson learned: Eat little, chew thoroughly, and pay attention to the little sensations that tell me I am being to greedy!!!
Those of you with weak stomachs can opt out here:
...............................................................................................
I had some sweet and sour pork from the Chinese place up the street, the one where my husband really likes the food (he is picky). Anyway here's this sweet and sour pork with fried rice and egg roll, something I shouldn't be eating anyway. I ate some and put the rest away.
A couple of hours later I decided to eat more. Let me tell you, for the one person in the world who doesn't eat Chinese food, that the pork is heavily battered and fried like a nice piece of fried fish, well, it's FRIED and I love fried food. And the red sauce, well yum yum on the tum
To cut a long story short, I ate too much, the food had no where to go but back up because of the restriction around my stomach. After I threw up I felt no better. I could feel food kind of stuck on it's way down to my main stomach but I had to let it just make it's way down there on it's own. Now I am ok but I was in pain for about an hour.
Well it serves me right. I'm not supposed to eat this kind of fattening food anyway. And when I do eat it, I need to chew chew chew very thoroughly so the food will go down right down and not get stuck. I have to remember that the band in my stomach works by restricting the amount of food I eat. If I eat too much or too fast, I get my comeuppance...and that's the first time since the operation that the food did come back up (yeah I know that's a pretty poor play on words.)
Lesson learned: Eat little, chew thoroughly, and pay attention to the little sensations that tell me I am being to greedy!!!
Friday, March 11, 2011
I feel so depressed
I really need to get away from the earthquake news on TV. It has been on all day and has settled on me like a dark cloud. Because I am always depressed anyway to a greater or lesser degree, this just adds to it. I am like that about catastrophes. Any time something terrible happens you will find me dazed in front of the TV, hearing the same things over and over.
Over the years many have told me not to watch any longer than I need to for updates as it brings me down so low. But something draws me to these things. The '89 earthquake in California, 9-11, the Indonesia tsaumi in 2004, Haiti's earthquake last year, to mention a few. I try to watch other channels but I keep going back to the news. Oh I remember another...the Gulf war with the burning oilfields and so forth. I don't know why I am like this.
What draws me to these terrible happenings?This dazed and depressed feeling will last a few days, until other news comes up. The disaster still goes on but I am able to get away from it. Oh, and the Gulf oil spill last year. I watched oil coming out of that damaged oil-well like a zombie.
Tomorrow I have to work so I will be away from the TV, and because I have to race through to get my work done, I won't have any time to watch residents' TV's as I work in their rooms. I stay in the house too much but I don't want to go out unless I have to, when I have no choice.
I should delete this but maybe I will let it stand. This is the bipolar part coming out, and as I lean more to the depressed end, that is how I feel. I did ride my bike but still can't get hold of my eating like I should...depressed I guess
Over the years many have told me not to watch any longer than I need to for updates as it brings me down so low. But something draws me to these things. The '89 earthquake in California, 9-11, the Indonesia tsaumi in 2004, Haiti's earthquake last year, to mention a few. I try to watch other channels but I keep going back to the news. Oh I remember another...the Gulf war with the burning oilfields and so forth. I don't know why I am like this.
What draws me to these terrible happenings?This dazed and depressed feeling will last a few days, until other news comes up. The disaster still goes on but I am able to get away from it. Oh, and the Gulf oil spill last year. I watched oil coming out of that damaged oil-well like a zombie.
Tomorrow I have to work so I will be away from the TV, and because I have to race through to get my work done, I won't have any time to watch residents' TV's as I work in their rooms. I stay in the house too much but I don't want to go out unless I have to, when I have no choice.
I should delete this but maybe I will let it stand. This is the bipolar part coming out, and as I lean more to the depressed end, that is how I feel. I did ride my bike but still can't get hold of my eating like I should...depressed I guess
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Sill can't get my day right (eating-wise)
This is the third day I have tried to have a good diet day. Breakfast and lunch are fine, it's something about the early afternoon and on from there that is dragging me down. Seeing as Gene is working second shift I don't have his high-calorie suppers to tempt me, and I am eating the diet meals. I think it all boils down to stress.
Yesterday I did good up to about 4 pm and then my grandson wanted chips and how easy it is to eat a handful myself. When he acts up I find myself eating. It's like I stood outside myself yesterday and watched me put away 5 sugar cookies. These cookies are nothing at all special, except they are soft-textured. You can get the whole package for $1 (10 large cookies) so you know they are crap.
Ever wonder why most people are so fat in this country? Less and less money coming into the house. More high-calorie, cheap junk comes in to fill the stomach and used for stress eating. It's an endless circle and I am trying to break the circle for myself.
By then I feel the day is shot so I eat handfuls of cereal like a robot and vow tomorrow I will do better. Meanwhile the weeks are going by and I worry about losing enough weight to make a difference in the hot summer around the corner. One of my problems is that I have trouble seeing the big picture, the goal I am working for. Some people can keep their eyes on the prize and steadily work towards it until it is reached.
A better person than me could have at least 30 more pounds gone by this time than what I have now.
All I can say is, today I will try to do better. I have eaten breakfast and am not hungry. Lunch will be in a couple of hours time. Maybe if I cycle 20 minutes I might feel like I am accomplishing something. I haven't been on the bike in 2 weeks. My excuse is that I am trying to go through my things in the hopes that we can move into a much better place than where I am now. I've lived here 28 years. That is an awful lot of "stuff" to go through
Yesterday I did good up to about 4 pm and then my grandson wanted chips and how easy it is to eat a handful myself. When he acts up I find myself eating. It's like I stood outside myself yesterday and watched me put away 5 sugar cookies. These cookies are nothing at all special, except they are soft-textured. You can get the whole package for $1 (10 large cookies) so you know they are crap.
Ever wonder why most people are so fat in this country? Less and less money coming into the house. More high-calorie, cheap junk comes in to fill the stomach and used for stress eating. It's an endless circle and I am trying to break the circle for myself.
By then I feel the day is shot so I eat handfuls of cereal like a robot and vow tomorrow I will do better. Meanwhile the weeks are going by and I worry about losing enough weight to make a difference in the hot summer around the corner. One of my problems is that I have trouble seeing the big picture, the goal I am working for. Some people can keep their eyes on the prize and steadily work towards it until it is reached.
A better person than me could have at least 30 more pounds gone by this time than what I have now.
All I can say is, today I will try to do better. I have eaten breakfast and am not hungry. Lunch will be in a couple of hours time. Maybe if I cycle 20 minutes I might feel like I am accomplishing something. I haven't been on the bike in 2 weeks. My excuse is that I am trying to go through my things in the hopes that we can move into a much better place than where I am now. I've lived here 28 years. That is an awful lot of "stuff" to go through
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Haven't written in a long time....
It's been so long since I wrote anything here. No, I didn't drop off the edge of the earth. I've just been very down and my mind seems to be like cotton wool and doesn't want to work. I am hoping that writing this, will mean that I am looking up a little and maybe things are turning the corner.
A couple of weeks ago I went to the weight loss surgeon's office for my check-up and they gave me a 1cc fill (in the past it has been 2cc's.) This means I have to be very careful to chew my food well because it gets stuck in the banded part of my stomach and won't go down. When I first begin to eat, usually I have forgotten this and I have to find out the hard way. It is a very unpleasant feeling, like something is lodged in my throat. I drink something and it takes a slow time before it passes the barrier and enters the larger stomach below. One day I will remember to chew well on the first bite.
I like to eat peanut butter and banana on toast for breakfast. This is an example of a food that must be chewed thoroughly before it goes down. Some foods are smooth (such as ice cream and mashed potatoes that I have no business eating anyway.)
Speaking of ice cream, I have some forbidden things to confess that I ate yesterday. I do well for breakfast. I am not a big breakfast eater so that sandwich and coffee is all I want. But yesterday I was on a roll. It seems once I start, I can't stop.
I ate:
coleslaw (not low calorie)
2 slices of pork, that was more fatty than I should have eaten (leftovers)
Hubby went to work for 1pm and I remembered there was maple walnut ice cream in the freezer. I wasn't happy until I had eaten 3 helpings. Gene will know when he goes to get some for himself that I ate it. Some I can explain away. I'll say that Amanda ate it,lol. But I know the difference
2 large helpings of natcho cheese chips (a weakness of mine, for the cheesy, salty taste)
By them I was overfull and uncomfortable and wish I never saw this food much less ate any. I can't remember off the bat what else I ate besides a pickle sandwich and two handfuls of ripple chips. By them some food had gone down and I ate a frozen diet meal (210 calories)
Then a break from eating (fat pig that I am) and about 8pm I made myself some diet ice cream from Slimfast powder and milk, ate this about 10pm and that was the end of my awful day of eating.
All I can do is put it behind me and start afresh today. For lunch I might eat some baked beans (protein) and hopefully that won't start a chain reaction of cravings like yesterday. I must stick to this. We are in March now and at last weigh in I was 252 lbs. If I want to get anywhere near 200 lbs I have to do some hard, hard work. Wish me luck
A couple of weeks ago I went to the weight loss surgeon's office for my check-up and they gave me a 1cc fill (in the past it has been 2cc's.) This means I have to be very careful to chew my food well because it gets stuck in the banded part of my stomach and won't go down. When I first begin to eat, usually I have forgotten this and I have to find out the hard way. It is a very unpleasant feeling, like something is lodged in my throat. I drink something and it takes a slow time before it passes the barrier and enters the larger stomach below. One day I will remember to chew well on the first bite.
I like to eat peanut butter and banana on toast for breakfast. This is an example of a food that must be chewed thoroughly before it goes down. Some foods are smooth (such as ice cream and mashed potatoes that I have no business eating anyway.)
Speaking of ice cream, I have some forbidden things to confess that I ate yesterday. I do well for breakfast. I am not a big breakfast eater so that sandwich and coffee is all I want. But yesterday I was on a roll. It seems once I start, I can't stop.
I ate:
coleslaw (not low calorie)
2 slices of pork, that was more fatty than I should have eaten (leftovers)
Hubby went to work for 1pm and I remembered there was maple walnut ice cream in the freezer. I wasn't happy until I had eaten 3 helpings. Gene will know when he goes to get some for himself that I ate it. Some I can explain away. I'll say that Amanda ate it,lol. But I know the difference
2 large helpings of natcho cheese chips (a weakness of mine, for the cheesy, salty taste)
By them I was overfull and uncomfortable and wish I never saw this food much less ate any. I can't remember off the bat what else I ate besides a pickle sandwich and two handfuls of ripple chips. By them some food had gone down and I ate a frozen diet meal (210 calories)
Then a break from eating (fat pig that I am) and about 8pm I made myself some diet ice cream from Slimfast powder and milk, ate this about 10pm and that was the end of my awful day of eating.
All I can do is put it behind me and start afresh today. For lunch I might eat some baked beans (protein) and hopefully that won't start a chain reaction of cravings like yesterday. I must stick to this. We are in March now and at last weigh in I was 252 lbs. If I want to get anywhere near 200 lbs I have to do some hard, hard work. Wish me luck
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)