Slip-sliding away

I am very depressed with no motivation at all and the smallest tasks seem like mountains to overcome. But this time it is my fault. I haven't taken my Respiridol (sp) in four days. This is because the bottle is still sitting up in the Walmart pharmacy. Why is it up there you might ask. At least it has company there are 3 other refills waiting, two belonging to DH. I will get them today. We have to go to the bank to deposit the income tax cheques (don't worry, my car repair ate up nearly all of them.)

Between now and then I have to take a shower and wash my hair. A big task that I don't feel like doing but I know I have to do it. Then there's all the dishes to be washed. I am not lazy folks. I have worked hard in the past, and managed to do things I look back on with amazement.

Today I just put Max on the bus, what a nervous wreck I was, I stood by the window for nearly 1/2 hour afraid to sit down in case the bus came and Max would miss it on account of me. Why so nervous for nothing. This is an easy task and shouldn't bother me at all.

A few years ago I was bringing him to day-care and driving to work and making 8am. I remember doing it like a robot, step by step but at least I was doing it. If I had to do it again, don't know how I would cope.

It's got to be that when I do get out, I look at everybody in their jobs and wonder how it is they are able to do these jobs and accomplish all the tasks. Of course I did this for years. Although I never liked dealing with the public. My best job would be to do something which didn't involve others because it is getting harder and harder just to face people. People don't bite. Maybe it's the effort it takes just to make conversation. On the weekends I just see the weekend staff and the residents and they all know me.

I like things to be routine and not change on me and leave me hanging wondering what to do or what to say. It makes me nervous just to think about a job where I would have to think on my feet, like say for example, working in a busy coffee shop waiting on the public and operating the window where you have to use the cash register.

I worked in McDonald's in the grill for 2 years, hot, bothersome work that keptme on my feet all day. They wanted me to learn the register and the window but no way could I cope, I was a nervous wreck in case I made a mistake and I would get shouted at. Right now if I could find a way to get the $70 I get for my 2 day's work I would quit there as well. The weekend is to be dreaded.

I am not lazy, I am just afraid of life I guess. Today I will have my other pills. Maybe I will feel a little better. Meanwhile I have to shower and washy my hair and get these dishes done