RI FLOODING....my mind has shut down

When my mind can't wrap itself around a situation it shuts down. For me all this flooding came out of nowhere and while there is water all around me (pond, wetlands, little streams) none of them have crept across the road to bother me.

I walked around yesterday and the water around the pond was level with the road and the yard of the house next to it was full of water SNAP

I went across the road into the woods to check out the little trickle of water that normally meanders past and it was like a raging flood SNAP

The wetlands looked like a lake SNAP

I have pictures on my cell phone but my daughter has been so busy between her ambulance job and her job at the fire station helping to cope with all this water. She was helping the National Guard sandbag last night SNAP

On TV there are vids of the Blackstone and Pawtuxet Rivers way out of their banks. People who have lived in this area all their lives haven't seen this before SNAP

They are talking about 150 year flood waters SNAP

This happens in other states you know, never down the road from me SNAP

There's no school. Max came in from outside and said "Grandma I saw a white helicopter up in the sky" I told him it was probably Channel 12 news surveying the damage for news reports later SNAP

I'm seeing everything in separate pictures, SNAP SNAP SNAP

I copied a picture from the newspaper showing 95 covered in water and I can't find the damn thing to upload it

My mind has SNAPPED

6's and 7's

Somebody at work asked me what I meant by saying "I am all at 6's and 7's" It means "all up a tree" or "all at sea" in other words I am all mixed up and don't know left from right, up from down, having no direction.

My sensible weight loss plan has gone out the window, I haven't listened to my recording (can't find the time when GS is not around (poor excuse I know). Now that Amanda has given me this ticket home I feel under pressure to get all the weight off that I can. This is shallow but I want to look good around critical people who haven't seen me in ages. Also because it's much easier to bear the heat and humidity that way.

For those that don't know, I was born and brought up in Bermuda, I married an American when I was 23 and ended up here in Rhode Island. I love it here, it's close to the ocean and having spent the greater part of my life in this state, I have no desire to leave :)

For over a week now my kitchen has been all torn up, the landlord does his own work so can't blame him for not moving faster. My sink and cabinets are put together. I wash dishes in a pan on the table and rinse and put away. We have paper places, cups, bowls, plastic cutlery. Guess what and I know I am not alone, I can't bear to throw away cups and I wash the cutlery and I like my tea and coffee in proper mugs.

So long story short DH brings home take-out food and the cheapest means the most calorie laden. I am sure I could get around this but I am too frazzled to try. Everything is still in boxes and I don't know where everything is. Adding to this mess is DD decided to paint her room and the kitchen has stuff all over it (Well as the landlord isn't here it isn't getting in his way.)

I did manage to unearth my recumbent bike earlier and peddle for 30 minutes. Because I still haven't replaced the electric cord which makes my resistance, time, calories etc available.

Last of all trying to diet this week is futile. What with candy, special pastry and other Easter goodies I'd just be setting myself for Epic Failure.

After Easter I have to go flat out on diet and exercise. Because if I don't, I will be lumbering off the plane in the heat feeling awful, and looking worse

Women eat for comfort

I have to go to see the weight loss surgery doctor in less than a week and I need to find out where his office is. His main office is in Providence but he has a couple of other offices (probably for scaredy-cat people like me who hate driving to the city). It seems like I am just coasting along food wise. My excuse is I have no kitchen and everything is in boxes and my life seems all unorganised, even more so than usual.

Maybe I am waiting for the dietitian to tell me what to eat and the portions. They like to have you lose some weight to prove you can make the effort once your surgery is done to carry on doing so. It's not like I have no knowledge of calories and portions, every overweight person knows these things back and forward. We have been well educated at places like Weight Watchers and once indoctrinated we never forget.

But because I know a glass of skim milk is 90 calories, a medium orange or apple is 70 calories (or 1/2 cup canned) that doesn't mean I can cope the right way when faced with the choice of a muffin (450 cal. VS apple 70 cal).

I think women have a great deal more problems with food than men do. Just think we buy it, cook it and serve it, most of it for other people who can eat what they please. Most of us are worn out serving other people and have been so used to putting ourselves last that there is nothing much left to us (that is cheap) than junk food. We eat for comfort. We have to comfort ourselves. We comfort others, most of the time with very little thanks, and we feel that a Twinkie will solve all our problems.

At least for the time it takes to eat it. And you know, we don't even allow ourselves to even enjoy what we are eating. We feel guilty for eating what we shouldn't have (we are not stupid, we know all we are doing is wrecking our own health with everything we put in our mouths) So we feel bad once the Twinkie is gone, then reach for another because we are depressed that we ate the first one.

And round and round it goes. We are in stretch pants, T-shirts and old sneakers, and our under wear isn't exactly Victoria's Secret. We are waiting for someone to throw us a life line, save us from ourselves.

This is the story of my life when I am down. When I feel better I try harder and try to look outside myself, and pull the old bootstraps up again

BITHDAY CELEBRATED = LBS GAINED :(

Yesterday I went 55 years old and of course there was a cake and of course it was loaded with calories!!! Of course I helped myself, it's my cake after all (there's not much left in the fridge either,lol) On the weekend the family will take me out for my birthday dinner and I want to go to the Texas Roadhouse. You know the one with the steaks and ribs, peanut shells on the floor and that birthday saddle that no one will get me on, hehehe

Amanda celebrated there too and she was made to get on the saddle and if I would ever get off my lazy butt and upload my pics you could laugh too. My firm excuse will be that my backside is way too big and if I sit there I will break it *dusts hands off*

I refuse to get on that scale until after the weekend because I know it ain't gonna be pretty folks..........this is Excuse #1

Excuse #2 is my tore-up kitchen (again there are pictures to be uploaded, yeah right). There are no cupboards, sink, and my counter is up against the window. It pored down rain yesterday and my landlord was unable to get my brand-new stuff here without it getting wet. So my kitchen is at 6's and 7's, there are boxes all over the place with kitchen items and canned goods in my living room and I haven't a clue where anything is.

Food is take out, bad enough to wash the normal dishes much less a bunch of dirty pots and pans. Dish-washing is done in containers on my kitchen table, rinsed, dried and put away. Usually it's wash, drip dry and The Old Man will put them away whenever, I was never your organised, picky person when it comes to housekeeping. More your friendly, garden-variety god-natured SLOB.

Excuse #3 is my recumbent bike. I couldn't get to it if I tried. It's under all this STUFF and if the Hypnosis Guy reads this I am going into hiding until my life gets back on track again.

Meanwhile, anybody for coffee and left-over birthday cake?????? Help me eat this PLEASE!!!!

Life's Iritations Make Me Eat

Hypnosis, exercise, good eating goes out of the window when things drive me nuts or my orderly day is disrupted. Nothing I can do about it but add to the misery my fat body endures now...I eat

I didn't expect the kitchen to be torn up today, thought that was due tomorrow. So all of a sudden I find myself pushing stuff out of the way. Everything had been all cleared out but over the weekend a few things had crept back. We have to live here, right???

Then the day is crappy, well nothing I can do about that. My boss called and wanted to know if I could come in for a couple of hours. I remembered the cupboards and found a good way out. I told him if he needed me another time this week to let me know. I am working Friday.

That whole nursing home is under quarantine, there is flu, upset stomach etc going around. I just didn't feel like facing it all today at short notice. I had a weekend of it and I can only do so much in 5 hours.

DH is complaining all the time that is normal for him. In fact if he doesn't complain I think he is sick. But it's the same old bullshit day after day after day about things I just can't do anything about.

My daughter calls and says her ex is going back to work and he won't be able to help out as much. I told her not to worry we will think of something later. My main problem with him is on school nights. While he is the sunshine of my life and I would kill anybody who tried to hurt a hair of his head, I can't control him physically anymore. He is autistic and can be good as gold or a monster and just the thought of getting him showered, teeth brushed and in bed by 8pm makes me a shaking mess. I will do what I can I told her.

Cost of the day so far:
2 grape pop tarts, 4 Oreo cookies and a huge Italian spicy grinder.
And God knows what else.
I just don't deal with life well do I. No wonder I am so fat

My Bum Knee

I am back on my "no food after 6pm" effort to try and cut back on calories. When I saw the Hypnosis Guy on Thursday I had him reinforce this because my picking at food at night has been my worst habit.

Hypnosis is a wonderful tool is you are able to use it and have a good rapport with your therapist and he/she can help you realise your goals in your life situation. You may ask, if this is working so well, why are you having stomach surgery done? I just see it as another tool to help me lose this weight a little faster.

In a couple of days I go 55 and while the weight I have lost has made such a difference with my aches and pains and mobility, I still have my left knee which feels like it will go out from under me when I walk. I have to get some weight off that knee. In the past I have fallen on that knee at least 3 times and a few years ago I had so much pain that I finally gave up on the Ace Bandages and braces. I was even using a stick for a while.

I went to the knee doctor and he gave me a cortisone shot. Anybody who has had one of those knows how PAINFUL it is and I never went back. It took the pain away but nothing will make me face that giant needle again. Some people say that shot will last 6 months up to whatever time you are lucky enough to get.

Well as I said I have no pain at all but sometimes it sure feels like it will go out from under me. Maybe if I shift a few more lbs it might do better. My right knee has given me no trouble *knock on wood*

My pain areas are my back and my neck and when I go do my few hours of work I take my Naprosin but at home I don't. Last thing I need is for my stomach to get eaten out on me

THE OLE GREY MARE AIN'T WHAT SHE USED TO BE :D

Standing in Line...not weight related :)

The bank I go to is a branch and has no drive up window so I have to make the monstrous effort to get out of my car, walk in and stand in The Line. Because it's Friday there were plenty of people waiting. Then it occurred to me to notice the unwritten rules about standing in line (especially in banks, government places etc).

Number one is never to openly stare at anyone (unless there's something shocking for all to see,lol) You stare at the wall, the ceiling, to both sides and notice people coming and going out the sides of your eyes. There is always a "personal bubble" to observe, ie, how close you stand to people so nobody invades anybody elses's space.

No looking behind unless there is general talk about the long wait, where are the tellers etc. Then you can chime in and complain too.

If you cough (as I did today, fighting a cold at present) it is always good to have a cough drop. That way the ones around you understand that you realise you have something catching and are doing what you can to keep them germ-free.

That being said, it is permissible for cough drops, gum and maybe even water ( discretely sipped, especially on a hot day) to be consumed in The Line. No food unless you want people to stare at you strangely. Of course all bets are off when there are children to control, so long as they don't annoy the others with it.

Then there is the Stand and Vacant Stare, especially with a longer wait. Shift your weight from foot to foot to broadcast your annoyance at the long wait. Others will be doing the same thing especially if there are ones trying to cash their cheques in their lunch half-hour.

Once you get your business done gather your things and quickly make your way to the exit. Don't forget to look at the long line of people still waiting as you go. You're all done, neener, neener, they still have to wait, neener, neener 8^D

No wonder I just prefer to wait at the drive-up...but then there are a whole bunch of Unwritten Rules for that line too :D

I saw the hypnosis guy today

Once a month I go for a hypnosis session with the Hypnosis Guy, the same one I mentioned earlier. I think I have finally come into the home stretch when it comes to my SAD depression, and just need to knit things together. He was able to sew everything up, especially about not eating after 6pm. It's now 6:04 and I don't want anything to eat, especially those sweets that get me into trouble the worst.

I feel like this is the best year in a long, long while that I got through a winter without coming out fatter than when fall started. I started last summer at 283, and reached my lowest, 243, before I went into hibernation. I would say I have gained little over 10lbs but that is still coming out of it way ahead. I told the Hypnosis Guy that I was gonna go along with the lap-band surgery, and that I pictured it like a three-legged stool. I have the recorded sessions to listen to everyday. Exercise is the second leg. And the surgery will round things out *well that's how I'm planning it anyway*

I am so sick of being fat. I have no clothes, but who wants to go to Wal-mart looking for 3x or going to Catherine's for the really fat people clothes. All the really nice things are size 14 at the largest. Sometimes I send away to Woman Within and get some of their casual things but if I had to attend a wake or some social gathering I have nothing suitable. I have a nice handbag and my silver jewellery but no dress pants with a nice top, much less a skirt and stockings!!!

The only shoes I have are slippers and my big old New Balances and some summer shoes that I can't wear now. You know, most heavy women like me don't bother much about clothes. If it covers, it will do, isn't that awful.

I'm really looking forward to cute shoes. I used to wear heels, never anything flat. But at this size I am afraid of losing my balance and falling...so it's sneakers for me,lol

Seasonal Affective Disorder and weight gain

Monday, 28 September 2009 at 08:49 | Edit note | Delete
Symptoms of SAD may consist of: difficulty waking up in the morning, tendency to oversleep as well as to overeat, and especially a craving for carbohydrates, which leads to weight gain. Other symptoms include a lack of energy, difficulty concentrating on completing tasks, and withdrawal from friends, family, and social activities. All of this leads to the depression, pessimism, and lack of pleasure which characterize a person suffering from this disorder. (Wikipedia)

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Every year I suffer with this. Every year I say this year will be different, but it never is. It starts very slowly around August and I just slow down more and more until at Thanksgiving and Christmas there is very little of me as a human being left to deal with all the dreaded holiday activities.

This year I am declaring an all-out fight against this. Maybe I'm "shoveling shit against the tide" but while I am able to fight I will keep trying. I have lost over 30lbs since summer with the help of The Hypnosis Guy. I listen to the CDs everyday. I am still exercise bike riding 30 min x2 a day. I am still not eating after 6pm and still avoiding pastry and sweet things (my downfall) My med nurse put my Prozac up 10 mg. Those who know me know that I take a lot of medication, much of it against bipolar disorder ( The one leaning towards the depressive side)
(written in Sept. 2009
Now I am trying to get the sun by walking around the block, which is "radical" for me because I hate being outside and so this is way out of my comfort zone. Today I will call my med nurse and get her to boost the Prozac a little more.

Despite all this I see myself staring to eat starches again and not bothering to make my own supper ( DH cooks much better stuff and lots of times he picks up fast food) I am doing my best to eat my fruit and get a salad when I can and try to keep my hands off the chips, crackers, bread and other carbs. I feel myself sliding toward these foods and want to stop it before I get to the point when I don't care anymore about anything and all I do is eat and sleep, and come to myself in the spring and see what an awful wreck I've made of my body the past few months.

Anybody who reads this and suffers SAD I feel so sorry for you, and hope you can overcome it this year

written in my fb notes in August

I selected and went to a hypnotist in June. I was 283 lbs and was heading quickly to 300 lb mark and no insurance to get my stomach done. My health was terrible and I had tried everything and it failed. I had no self-control at all and the thing that brought me to the point where something had to be done no matter what, was when I thought of my GS saying "wake up Grandma" like he does most mornings and him finding me gone.

In hypnosis they access your inner mind all you have to do is concentrate and listen. It helps to close your eyes. The session lasts for an hour, 1/2 of this he spends just talking to you about your problem and the other half is the hypnosis which is recorded on a disk for you to replay every day. (This reinforces what he is trying to do for you).

My first session was for him to do something about my biggest weakness, pastry, ice cream, chocolate and the like. He also wanted me to start a little exercise. I won't walk but I have a recumbent bike and with the hypnosis everyday like clockwork I exercised twice a day My urge for sweet things went. Pounds began to fall away. The next session was to increase my exercise, reinforce the sweet thing and as I had turned to salty things, to restrict salt and my bike riding was 20 minutes a day. A month later my weight loss started to plateau and I realized the night time eating had to go. This was my worse habit, going back to the days when my father and I used to eat junk food in front of the TV when I was young.

The last session I had, was to reinforce the idea of light (I suffer from SAD every year) and to stop my eating after 6pm. Nothing to eat, just water, tea and diet soda all night. It is working!!

I have been doing this for 2 weeks now and the weight loss is much better. During the day I pretty much eat what I want inside the guidelines (no sweet, plenty of water .....oh yeah I forgot to say that in the first session he told me I have to drink plenty of water) I eat supper and after 6pm nothing, just like when you fast for blood work.

Now I bike-ride 1/2 hr. twice a day, drink a lot of water, eat what I want during the day, and don't eat after 6pm. I don't know how much better I can do except for riding a little longer with greater resistance on the bike, or something. I eat a lot of light yogurt and diet jello and when I make a sandwich I use brown bread, stuff like that.

I feel so much better already and my clothes are loose and I am hoping this keeps working so I can get under 200lbs at least...dream weight would be 150lbs or so, so that I can wear normal clothes and not shop in the 3X size. Wish me luck!!!

(the above is from an older blog of mine that I don't write in anymore. I love Robert Jordan's "Wheel of Time" series and this is one of the characters)

Maybe I will succeed this time

I have fought my weight most of my life. Here I am nearly 55 and at 250lbs. Through hypnosis (ongoing) I was able to go from 283 last summer to 243 at my lowest, but I have gained 7lbs. I have bipolar disorder and the winter is the worst season for me to battle and my mind is still not in good shape and it's time to get back on track.

I have applied for weight loss surgery (lap band) as another tool, along with hypnosis and exercise, to get rid of this weight for good. I have many health issues and take a lot of medication and I know weight loss will improve my quality of life.

Other than that, I am ready to write down (yet again!) my battles against the 100lbs I need to lose. I want to link this to my facebook page so anyone who wants to can follow my journey. Wish me luck!!!