Tomorrow I go to work with two new things: my glasses and my bangs. People will comment on both and I will feel special for a while. The kids in the kitchen are great for noticing anything new that I do, such as my nose ring and latest tattoo or different way of wearing my hair. Guess they look at the old crusty fat broad trying to keep up with the younger ones and laugh behind my back. Either that or they wish their mothers would lighten up a little,lol. I went through that stage where I wanted to look and be like everybody else but it wasn't me.
I wore gold when I wanted to wear silver, and I wore dainty jewellery because who can afford anything big in gold? I went to church and tried to blend in there for the better part of 10 years then I gave it up as a lost cause. I could not fit in even though I tried. It just wasn't me but it took a long time for me to get the message that conforming hair, clothes and jewellery, even glasses, does not a person make.
I knew I was on my way out when I wore a crystal around my neck at Christmas Mass and after that it was all downhill. Don't get me wrong when I go home I go to St. Peter's with Momma and I know the service and am happy in the old ritual, old hymns and prayer books. But I don't do Communion because I wouldn't feel right.
I guess I am a more "do my own thing" person when I am feeling well. That's when I celebrate being different with my silver jewellery, rose quartz pendant, diamond nose ring and two wrist tats. When I am depressed I just wear my outer self such as it is and my inside self shuts down until things turn around and I feel better.
Losing weight will be the biggest change I can make to myself now, and I don't know how I will wear a smaller self or if I will feel comfortable in it. I've been large for over 20 years. All those years spent over 230lbs. At the highest, 290 lbs. I am 258lbs now and feel better in my physical self. It remains to be seen what I will be when all these layers of fat are stripped away.
Maybe I'll just be a smaller person who dresses different as well as being different in the other ways I described. All I know is, I will still be a non-conformist in my ways even as I get older. When I feel well, of course. When depressed I will just wear my outer shell and nurse the inner one until I feel better.
One thing I do know is, you don't fix Bipolar Disorder by losing weight. I will always be wearing that no matter what size I am
I wish you well Linda. I know people who have had great success with this procedure and a few who only had short term success. For your health and well-being I pray that you are in the former group.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for dropping by Georgia, it really means a great deal to me when folks visit...and I hope I can be in the successful group. However changing the size of your stomach doesn't alter how you feel about food "in your head" and this is what I am fighting now...something to mention to my dr. when I see him at the end of the month!!!! xxx
ReplyDeleteLinda, I just scheduled my 6 appointments leading up to my sleeve gastrectomy, which will be sometime in June. I too am bi-polar and am really starting to get tremendous anxiety over this whole thing.
ReplyDeleteThinking things like, how fast will I loose weight, what if I don't. Will people know if they look at me. How do I get rid of hanging skin, if I have to keep it, where do I stuff it? Is it going to hurt, will I wake up thinking omg what did I just do? Am I doing this for the right reasons or is it a quick fix and I'm just fooling myself... These questions keep going round and round.
Did you go through something similar? How did you deal with it?