Trying Hard to Understand Food

I've been asking myself this question for a long time. Why is it that food bothers me but say, cigarettes or alcohol doesn't? I did smoke ages ago but I had no trouble giving it when I got pregnant with Amanda. Back then, cigarette smoke, coffee and cooking food made me nauseated. Besides one slip-back in the 80's I never went back to the cigarette.

I drank socially in the '70's and '80's but so didn't everybody. I had to give this up in the 90's when I began to take a lot of medication but I didn't really miss it. I don't have a social life that revolves around drink which made this easier.

But then there's the food. Somebody once wrote, "Alcohol, cigarettes, drugs etc you can live without if you have to. But food is around you all day and night long." This is why I find it most unfair that people judge an obese person by saying they have "no will power. I gave up smoking, why can't she give up pastry." I've had this said to me many times so I know how it feels.

I've thought about food, and broke it down into two broad sections. The foods that I like and the foods that I don't like. Obviously the problem lies with the foods I like. My overall preference is pastry, sweet things and ice-cream. When I am not on a diet I stuff myself with these things. My worry is that I will run out. My worry is that here I am getting close to 300lbs and I am slowly killing myself. My worry is that people are judging me and I feel guilty because I am eating. I don't feel well. Excess carbs make you slow, sap your energy and while they make you feel good for the time you are eating them, by the time that last slice of cake is gone, you are left feeling stuffed and guilty. You also ask yourself why you have no control and feel very depressed and unhappy.

I am looking at my favourite muffin, the coffee cake huge one from Dunkin' Donuts. (well not really, only in my mind's eye). It smells delicious. You can smell the sugar and the cinnamon that makes up the huge topping. I always start from the bottom cake part and leave my favourite topping until last. This must be at least 600 calories! It tastes so good going down. The topping is sweet, crunchy and feels good and tastes good in my mouth. Greedy Linda. There's another one just like it in the bag. That one isn't as good as the first one, in fact, I am starting to feel guilty and sorry for myself and depressed that I blew it yet again. Why O Why can't I stay away from these things?

The good news is, among the slips and small back slides that I have had over the past  couple of months, those huge muffins haven't been a part of them. Christmas was difficult but I managed to lose 5lbs somehow as I wrote before.

Now I ask myself........300lbs or under 250lbs and slowly downward? It's my choice. I have all the tools to work with. Maybe I just need to resolve to do the best I can and when I fall down, to pick myself up again and carry on. Tomorrow is another day