Today is a brilliant day, the sun shining brightly in a cloudless sky on all the icy snow. If I go out, I will need shades so I can see with all the white on the ground. However, I won't be going out today. I thought I was, but my carotid artery ultrasound is next Tuesday, not this one! So glad I saw it in time not to show up for nothing and waste my gas.
Sunny days like this one give me energy to do things at hand, so this is why I am posting today..here lately I haven't felt like it. My diet has been terrible for the past week. Definitely not helped by grey skies and my grandson's birthday cake and ice cream! I am powerless when it comes to this kind of temptation!
I had a peanut butter and banana sandwich for breakfast, and I plan to have cottage cheese mixed with something for lunch. Maybe some yoghurt for flavour. Then I will do my best to get around my husband's cooking. You see, he comes from the mountains down south and most of his food, though delicious, is full of fat and calories. I have some Healthy Choice diet meals in the freezer, I will do my best to eat one of those for supper.
Much of my eating problems come from the fact that my husband is an early-to-bed-early-to rise- person and I am a night owl. So he likes to eat supper around 2pm and heads to bed after 4pm (he says he is watching TV but I know he sleeps through programmes.) So here's me getting up at 7, having breakfast around 9, and I should be eating lunch about the time he likes to eat supper. Back in the day before I knew him, supper was at 5pm and I do my best when I eat like this. During the depressing winter months it is so easy just to eat what he does and when he does, then be hungry in the evening and night hours that I am up.
The fact that my eye doctor found cholesterol in a vein in my left eye last week (hence the test and blood work) means I will probably be put on a low fat diet (technically I am supposed to be on one anyway, as I take pills for high cholesterol) means I will have to be extra strict. Today I feel able to cope. I hope tomorrow I feel able to cope as well, for my health's sake
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Haven't written in a while
I am making myself write this because I don't feel like doing it. Some might say, that's when you have the most to say. My thoughts are all jumbled. All I do on the pc is play games. I used to spend a lot of time doing other things on line. After all Facebook isn't the whole internet. So why do I spend so much time here?
I don't even keep up with my fb family like I should. I am stuck under my rock, can't even think for myself much less anybody else. This is the shameful truth. Now, not only have I boxed myself into a small house not wanting to come out. I have also boxed myself into a little corner of fb and can't see past the games.
Maybe I need to call my med nurse but do you know all she'll do is put up my pill dosage.. If I tell her I want to go to the partial hospital again she will say fine but then I have to add that I don't have a way up there and back. I've also boxed myself and my car into a limited place. Home, work, doctors I can get to. Otherwise I ask somebody (usually my daughter) to take me. I have put myself in a box and I don't know how to climb out.
Besides all my mental ignorance I did find out one thing about my lapband which helps me at night. A couple of nights I woke up with an awful pain in my gut. It felt like something was tunnelling it's way through my stomach and was having a very hard time getting through. Well it was all my fault. I have been getting away with murder picking at this and that and one of the things I was picking at was potato chips. Also I am not very good at remembering to chew everything that I eat very thoroughly before I swallow. Well my guess is that some chips that were not chewed right were getting stuck in the small section where the band was around my stomach. I waited it out because there was nothing I could do about it. Then I resolved not to eat any more potato chips, at least at night when they would give me trouble.
Back to the partial hospital, I feel that I could get more out of it if I could attend, because I went last summer and spent a lot of time feeling my way around, getting used to the way they did things. This time I could spend more time on my problems. I said this last summer but I will repeat it here. At the partial hospital, you are made to focus on your own troubles, this is your time, and to put yourself first for once in your life. Many of us give little pieces of ourselves away every day until there is nothing left but an empty shell. This is the point I have gotten to. I know when I need help
I don't even keep up with my fb family like I should. I am stuck under my rock, can't even think for myself much less anybody else. This is the shameful truth. Now, not only have I boxed myself into a small house not wanting to come out. I have also boxed myself into a little corner of fb and can't see past the games.
Maybe I need to call my med nurse but do you know all she'll do is put up my pill dosage.. If I tell her I want to go to the partial hospital again she will say fine but then I have to add that I don't have a way up there and back. I've also boxed myself and my car into a limited place. Home, work, doctors I can get to. Otherwise I ask somebody (usually my daughter) to take me. I have put myself in a box and I don't know how to climb out.
Besides all my mental ignorance I did find out one thing about my lapband which helps me at night. A couple of nights I woke up with an awful pain in my gut. It felt like something was tunnelling it's way through my stomach and was having a very hard time getting through. Well it was all my fault. I have been getting away with murder picking at this and that and one of the things I was picking at was potato chips. Also I am not very good at remembering to chew everything that I eat very thoroughly before I swallow. Well my guess is that some chips that were not chewed right were getting stuck in the small section where the band was around my stomach. I waited it out because there was nothing I could do about it. Then I resolved not to eat any more potato chips, at least at night when they would give me trouble.
Back to the partial hospital, I feel that I could get more out of it if I could attend, because I went last summer and spent a lot of time feeling my way around, getting used to the way they did things. This time I could spend more time on my problems. I said this last summer but I will repeat it here. At the partial hospital, you are made to focus on your own troubles, this is your time, and to put yourself first for once in your life. Many of us give little pieces of ourselves away every day until there is nothing left but an empty shell. This is the point I have gotten to. I know when I need help
Monday, January 31, 2011
I weigh 256 lbs now!!!
I would say a little over 30lbs has gone but I have a long way to go. At least 100 more lbs, maybe more if I can get down a little further. This lap-band fill is better than the last one. I can actually feel things get stuck in the upper part of my stomach if I don'r chew them enough. My remedy for this is to drink something and wash it down. This happened to me last night around midnight. Amanda came in the door and had some left-over Chinese food with her. I grabbed a piece of chicken and didn't chew it properly. It felt like something sharp had got stuck in my throat and was very painful until I thought of drinking to help it past the restriction and into the larger stomach.
Serves me right. I had no business, especially at midnight, to raid anybody's leftovers.
I find I am having to scale down my portions, and it's difficult to remember that I can't eat much any more. I load up my plate the way I used to do then remember most of that food won't get down my stomach. Of course I am reminded that while the lap-band helps with portions, it's very easy to eat around it. I am a "picker" Pickers eat little bits all through the day instead of 3 proper meals and a snack. So that is a special challenge for me.
I also have trouble remembering to chew my food thoroughly to make sure it doesn't get stuck like it did midnight last night. That was scary for the moment and I was so relieved once the chicken got past the band. It's so easy to gulp things like I used to do. Before this fill I was eating pretty much the same as always and it all went down, and I could eat a fair amount at one go .
This is why I am suprised that I was able to go down from 262 1/2 lbs to 256 1/2 lbs. That's 6 lbs down in a month. Not exactly gangbusters, but at least maybe my skin will not sag as much as if I had gotten the by-pass and lost a great deal of weight by now.
I am like everybody else, I am so sick of all this snow and cold. Most diet food is cold food, when you think about it. Comfort food is usually nice and hot to warm you and make you feel good. Beware the hot comfort food!
Serves me right. I had no business, especially at midnight, to raid anybody's leftovers.
I find I am having to scale down my portions, and it's difficult to remember that I can't eat much any more. I load up my plate the way I used to do then remember most of that food won't get down my stomach. Of course I am reminded that while the lap-band helps with portions, it's very easy to eat around it. I am a "picker" Pickers eat little bits all through the day instead of 3 proper meals and a snack. So that is a special challenge for me.
I also have trouble remembering to chew my food thoroughly to make sure it doesn't get stuck like it did midnight last night. That was scary for the moment and I was so relieved once the chicken got past the band. It's so easy to gulp things like I used to do. Before this fill I was eating pretty much the same as always and it all went down, and I could eat a fair amount at one go .
This is why I am suprised that I was able to go down from 262 1/2 lbs to 256 1/2 lbs. That's 6 lbs down in a month. Not exactly gangbusters, but at least maybe my skin will not sag as much as if I had gotten the by-pass and lost a great deal of weight by now.
I am like everybody else, I am so sick of all this snow and cold. Most diet food is cold food, when you think about it. Comfort food is usually nice and hot to warm you and make you feel good. Beware the hot comfort food!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Had my second "fill" today,and weigh-in
This is lap-band business today....I had my second "fill" This is when the doctor locates the port on the top of my stomach and injects saline water into the lap-band device. A month ago, at my first fill, the doctor put 2 cc in, and today another 2 cc was added. Whereas the first time it didn't seem to make a difference in how I felt, this time I could feel the device as it inflated, so to speak. I can still feel it now. It feels kinda like when you have eaten a big dinner and you feel stuffed. Much as you would like another helping of dessert, you have to turn it down. Maybe later.
I have to stick to liquids again for the next couple of days, so it's back to Shakesville and my trusty little blender!
Oh and despite all my picking, I did manage to lose a little weight. Last month I weighed 262 1/2 lbs. and today I was down to 256 1/2 lbs. I can only put it down to riding my recumbent bike twice daily for exercise. Needless to say, all this made me feel a lot better. Plus the bright sunshiney day after the storm we had yesterday definitely helped a lot. It was hard to see with the sun's glare on the white snow, which is really piled up high now.
Yesterday I was so down. It was snowing heavily, there was no school so Max was bored and running around. Plus all of us in this small house makes it feel very claustrophobic. There's really no where to go unless you go to bed. The bedrooms are so cold you have to get under the covers to feel warm. No sitting up watching TV in there in the winter-time!!!
On good days everybody goes out and I feel better again with some space around me for a while.
I hope this month coming up I can lose a little more as February is here and I would really like to get as close to 200lbs as I can get before the hot weather comes.
Hot weather!!! I've forgotten what that is!!!
I have to stick to liquids again for the next couple of days, so it's back to Shakesville and my trusty little blender!
Oh and despite all my picking, I did manage to lose a little weight. Last month I weighed 262 1/2 lbs. and today I was down to 256 1/2 lbs. I can only put it down to riding my recumbent bike twice daily for exercise. Needless to say, all this made me feel a lot better. Plus the bright sunshiney day after the storm we had yesterday definitely helped a lot. It was hard to see with the sun's glare on the white snow, which is really piled up high now.
Yesterday I was so down. It was snowing heavily, there was no school so Max was bored and running around. Plus all of us in this small house makes it feel very claustrophobic. There's really no where to go unless you go to bed. The bedrooms are so cold you have to get under the covers to feel warm. No sitting up watching TV in there in the winter-time!!!
On good days everybody goes out and I feel better again with some space around me for a while.
I hope this month coming up I can lose a little more as February is here and I would really like to get as close to 200lbs as I can get before the hot weather comes.
Hot weather!!! I've forgotten what that is!!!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
The Shower.... a depressed person's view
All depressed people who read this will nod their heads in agreement, while the lucky ones without depression hanging over their heads probably won't understand.
I just took a shower and washed my hair. Big deal, some might say. Plus I brushed my teeth. Because I suffer from bipolar disorder (the depressed end) there are some things I just don't want to do, or the wherewithal to do necessary things just evades me. In fact, one of the things doctors look for in a patient with depression is how they are dressed, and what state of cleanliness their body is in and if they cared enough to try.
It seems strange to want to write about a subject which is disgusting...what is worse than a person who has sat around in their same clothes for 3 days? At my worst I have been there. The biggest issue is getting out of bed, and once out, you just sit around. In my case I spend the day online, watching TV and eating junk food. I don't care what I look like, what the junk food is doing to my body and even if I smell or not. Very disgusting I know but I promised to talk about even the ugly stuff here.
You just can't physically or mentally take care of yourself when you feel this way. I said go on line and watch TV. It's more like facing the keyboard and maybe picking at an online game. The TV is background noise. Usually when I get this way I get on the phone and cry to my med nurse, who has me come in and puts my medication up, or changes it around.
Somehow even though very depressed, it occurs to me that they could haul my ass off to Butler and look after me. I wouldn't have to do anything. They would even get me out of bed and shower me and place my meals in front of me.
But I have always had a little spark left even in the deepest depression. I know my mood will change in time. I work in a nursing home. I see people being made to do things because it is convenient for the daily running of the ward. In fact I have been there, 30+ years ago when I was off the wall in a manic state. They haul you out of bed, a nurse on either side. You have to eat when they say. You have to shower when they say or they haul you in the shower by force and wash you themselves because it has to be done.
That to me would be the absolute bottom and I never want to have to sink that low again as long as I live. So now you see why depressed people eventually find enough mental strength to do their personal care...and why it is such a big feat that I found it necessary to announce it in a weight-loss blog
I just took a shower and washed my hair. Big deal, some might say. Plus I brushed my teeth. Because I suffer from bipolar disorder (the depressed end) there are some things I just don't want to do, or the wherewithal to do necessary things just evades me. In fact, one of the things doctors look for in a patient with depression is how they are dressed, and what state of cleanliness their body is in and if they cared enough to try.
It seems strange to want to write about a subject which is disgusting...what is worse than a person who has sat around in their same clothes for 3 days? At my worst I have been there. The biggest issue is getting out of bed, and once out, you just sit around. In my case I spend the day online, watching TV and eating junk food. I don't care what I look like, what the junk food is doing to my body and even if I smell or not. Very disgusting I know but I promised to talk about even the ugly stuff here.
You just can't physically or mentally take care of yourself when you feel this way. I said go on line and watch TV. It's more like facing the keyboard and maybe picking at an online game. The TV is background noise. Usually when I get this way I get on the phone and cry to my med nurse, who has me come in and puts my medication up, or changes it around.
Somehow even though very depressed, it occurs to me that they could haul my ass off to Butler and look after me. I wouldn't have to do anything. They would even get me out of bed and shower me and place my meals in front of me.
But I have always had a little spark left even in the deepest depression. I know my mood will change in time. I work in a nursing home. I see people being made to do things because it is convenient for the daily running of the ward. In fact I have been there, 30+ years ago when I was off the wall in a manic state. They haul you out of bed, a nurse on either side. You have to eat when they say. You have to shower when they say or they haul you in the shower by force and wash you themselves because it has to be done.
That to me would be the absolute bottom and I never want to have to sink that low again as long as I live. So now you see why depressed people eventually find enough mental strength to do their personal care...and why it is such a big feat that I found it necessary to announce it in a weight-loss blog
Monday, January 24, 2011
Diet Musings, part 2
I haven't written here in a while. My diet is non-existent eg I ate a couple of handfuls of miniature marshmallos just now and my meal portions could be a lot smaller. This has been a disastrous month diet-wise. I managed to lose 5lbs last month but only a miracle could save me this Thursday when I weigh in again. I am going to ask for another "fill" and see if I can get this stomach smaller so it will hold less. I was able to eat a plateful of supper earlier and I shouldn't be able to eat much more than a cupful of food.
It's like weight-Watchers. You know you had a bad week, and the best you can do is weigh in, take your dressing-down and make another start with a bright shiny new slate. I honestly can't feel the effects of having this implanted device...well maybe if I could, I would be extremely careful what, and how much I put in my stomach.
However I am riding my incumbent bike 20 minutes twice a day for what it's worth. I know that if I don't restrict my eating I might as well not bother. But at least I can tone my legs if nothing else.
This has also been a hard month family situation-wise, lots of stress (therefore lots of stress eating, a habit I would like to break forever.) Also the miserable cold and snowy weather never did sit well with me. Some like the cold but it only makes me miserable. It doesn't help that we have to keep the thermostat lower because of the cost. Just makes me want to stay in my nice warm bed all day, and when I do get up, I have no ambition to do anything.
To this end I have asked DH to wake me up about 7:30am rather than the 9 am he usually does for the discipline because this is what I do on the weekend anyway. I get up at 7am and eat and get ready for work. This includes of course The Dreaded Shower. It is soooo cold. I told myself I would do this every day, but this am I did not shower. Tomorrow I promise I will shower. I have to get in some kind of routine. Routine works for me...when I can establish one
It's like weight-Watchers. You know you had a bad week, and the best you can do is weigh in, take your dressing-down and make another start with a bright shiny new slate. I honestly can't feel the effects of having this implanted device...well maybe if I could, I would be extremely careful what, and how much I put in my stomach.
However I am riding my incumbent bike 20 minutes twice a day for what it's worth. I know that if I don't restrict my eating I might as well not bother. But at least I can tone my legs if nothing else.
This has also been a hard month family situation-wise, lots of stress (therefore lots of stress eating, a habit I would like to break forever.) Also the miserable cold and snowy weather never did sit well with me. Some like the cold but it only makes me miserable. It doesn't help that we have to keep the thermostat lower because of the cost. Just makes me want to stay in my nice warm bed all day, and when I do get up, I have no ambition to do anything.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Diet Musings
I go to see my Weight Loss Doctor next Thursday (can't believe we have gone through January, just about). I haven't been very good for this past month and I am sure it will show up on the scale. I think I can still eat a large amount when I sit down to eat supper or other meal. I am hoping he can fill my band a little more so I will have to physically stop eating after a cup of food, which is the ideal.
I am fighting carb overload as well, which I go through every year. While I can honestly say that this year has been the best I have ever had when it comes to Seasonal Affective Disorder, I still have the carbs calling my name. These are what I call The Diet Wreckers. For example, right on my stove right now is a plate of chocolate chip cookies that I am trying hard to stay away from. It's bad enough that I ate two late last night.
People say, "well Linda you need to tell the people in your house that if they want goodies, to eat them where you can't see them as it is your weakness." Well this is true but in real life people eat what they want, when they want and where they want and it is up to me not to give way to the temptation. Which is easier said than done.
Maybe some of the reason I feel like this is because I can't feel the presence of the lap-band inside my stomach. I mean, I can feel the port of I press around the upper part of my stomach, but I don't feel the tightness around the stomach itself that is supposed to make you feel full on a small amount of food.
One of the things that works for me is, as the longer days that bring the warmer weather is around the corner, my diet changes naturally from junk to things that are better for me to eat. Just think of it. All the foods that are good for you are mostly cold items and that is not what you want to eat when you feel cold!
At least I am still riding my recumbent bike 20 min/day. The Dietition wants me to add another 20 minutes at night to increase my activity. Well my excuse is, it's too cold to get on the bike!!! It seems any excuse is good enough for me....well maybe I can make myself get on the bike at night for 5 minutes and work up. At the best part of my weight loss through hypnosis, I was doing 1/2 hr twice a day. I really hope I can do this again, as I did lose more weight and inches when I did
I am fighting carb overload as well, which I go through every year. While I can honestly say that this year has been the best I have ever had when it comes to Seasonal Affective Disorder, I still have the carbs calling my name. These are what I call The Diet Wreckers. For example, right on my stove right now is a plate of chocolate chip cookies that I am trying hard to stay away from. It's bad enough that I ate two late last night.
People say, "well Linda you need to tell the people in your house that if they want goodies, to eat them where you can't see them as it is your weakness." Well this is true but in real life people eat what they want, when they want and where they want and it is up to me not to give way to the temptation. Which is easier said than done.
Maybe some of the reason I feel like this is because I can't feel the presence of the lap-band inside my stomach. I mean, I can feel the port of I press around the upper part of my stomach, but I don't feel the tightness around the stomach itself that is supposed to make you feel full on a small amount of food.
One of the things that works for me is, as the longer days that bring the warmer weather is around the corner, my diet changes naturally from junk to things that are better for me to eat. Just think of it. All the foods that are good for you are mostly cold items and that is not what you want to eat when you feel cold!
At least I am still riding my recumbent bike 20 min/day. The Dietition wants me to add another 20 minutes at night to increase my activity. Well my excuse is, it's too cold to get on the bike!!! It seems any excuse is good enough for me....well maybe I can make myself get on the bike at night for 5 minutes and work up. At the best part of my weight loss through hypnosis, I was doing 1/2 hr twice a day. I really hope I can do this again, as I did lose more weight and inches when I did
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)