When I was in Partial Hospital the staff there kept emphasising how we are not supposed to Isolate Ourselves, it was something to be fought against. At least there was a roomful of us that knew what Isolating Yourself meant. In that way I miss Partial Hospital because there I was one among many. Now I am the only one (in my family) and nobody understands me.
People all the time say how happy I am, that they would have never guessed I had a mental problem. That is because I am a master at The Mask. The group at Partial Hospital knew what that was too. It's when you put the best face on things that you can, and hide what's going on underneith. It's what some people mean when they say "leave your problems outside the door when you go to work"
I started to grow A Mask when I was young. I learned very early not to let people know how I was REALLY feeling after I kept getting beat up in elementary school. You learn real early to say what people want to hear. You learn real early to put yourself in other people's footsteps and react to whatever it is they are feeling.
It's like a clown. Laughing on the outside and crying on the inside.
When depression overtakes me, it's not like I wake up one morning and decide, ok, I'm depressed. This means I stay in the house today and withdraw from people. It's more a very slow going down hill, very gradual, and by the time you realise maybe you should tell your med nurse what's going on, it's got you in it's grip.
So here I sit. The car goes nowhere. Nobody understands why I am as I am. Husband keeps bitching about the house, all the things I am not doing, and how I stay chained to the computer all day and all night. But if I ask him to pick something up for me, cash my cheque or whatever he becomes An Enabler. Of course there's a trade. He knows all about my money while I know nothing about his, except he keeps bitching about having to pay all the bills.
It's far easier to communicate with the world through a computer monitor. So when they say, "I love my computer because all my friends are in it" that describes me.
I'll emerge from my shell when I feel like it, or the meds begin to work, whatever comes first
Linda let it wash over you hun. Men can whinge for no good reason, we all know that. Don't take criticism on board. Just sidestep it. x Are there any classes at the hospital where they talk to partners? Might help him to understand a little more xx
ReplyDeleteHi Jules and thanks for your reply, I really appreciate you taking the time to read!!! DH will not go, he thinks people are out to get my money and fill me full of pills. He's an old dog (70) and won't be taught any new tricks at his age. I have to let it wash over me like you said, but sometimes it gets to me...this is OT but I have noticed this word "whinge" several times on fb, is it something like having a moan, and how do you pronounce? take care xx
ReplyDeleteHi Linda oh that's a shame, but never mind. I know it's hard to let stuff wash over you, but I also know that a lot of what comes out of men's mouths they don't mean, and can relate to the kind of morning they are having or whether they are hungry or not lol! 'Whinge' lol-yes it means to moan in a whiny way, and is pronounced with a silent h and a soft g sound ( should be spelt 'winj'!)
ReplyDelete