I am very depressed with no motivation at all and the smallest tasks seem like mountains to overcome. But this time it is my fault. I haven't taken my Respiridol (sp) in four days. This is because the bottle is still sitting up in the Walmart pharmacy. Why is it up there you might ask. At least it has company there are 3 other refills waiting, two belonging to DH. I will get them today. We have to go to the bank to deposit the income tax cheques (don't worry, my car repair ate up nearly all of them.)
Between now and then I have to take a shower and wash my hair. A big task that I don't feel like doing but I know I have to do it. Then there's all the dishes to be washed. I am not lazy folks. I have worked hard in the past, and managed to do things I look back on with amazement.
Today I just put Max on the bus, what a nervous wreck I was, I stood by the window for nearly 1/2 hour afraid to sit down in case the bus came and Max would miss it on account of me. Why so nervous for nothing. This is an easy task and shouldn't bother me at all.
A few years ago I was bringing him to day-care and driving to work and making 8am. I remember doing it like a robot, step by step but at least I was doing it. If I had to do it again, don't know how I would cope.
It's got to be that when I do get out, I look at everybody in their jobs and wonder how it is they are able to do these jobs and accomplish all the tasks. Of course I did this for years. Although I never liked dealing with the public. My best job would be to do something which didn't involve others because it is getting harder and harder just to face people. People don't bite. Maybe it's the effort it takes just to make conversation. On the weekends I just see the weekend staff and the residents and they all know me.
I like things to be routine and not change on me and leave me hanging wondering what to do or what to say. It makes me nervous just to think about a job where I would have to think on my feet, like say for example, working in a busy coffee shop waiting on the public and operating the window where you have to use the cash register.
I worked in McDonald's in the grill for 2 years, hot, bothersome work that keptme on my feet all day. They wanted me to learn the register and the window but no way could I cope, I was a nervous wreck in case I made a mistake and I would get shouted at. Right now if I could find a way to get the $70 I get for my 2 day's work I would quit there as well. The weekend is to be dreaded.
I am not lazy, I am just afraid of life I guess. Today I will have my other pills. Maybe I will feel a little better. Meanwhile I have to shower and washy my hair and get these dishes done
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Japan...some thoughts
I was stunned last week when Japan sustained such a large earthquake and tsaumi, surely way and above what a country ought to be asked to stand. Now I am still stunned this week and it feels like a large wave knocked me over and pinned me down on the seabed because of this nuclear reactor accident. It just gets worse and worse. I am seeing a lot of snow now where Sendai (northern part of the island that suffers the most) and people just wondering around lost.
I think about how rescuers must think when they survey the endless rubble of houses, vehicles and such as far as the eye can see. How do you overcome how hopeless it is. How do you cope with the feeling that there may be people just hanging on in that rubble by a miracle and you are unable to find them, much less save them. How does a rescuer place him or herself in danger climbing in and out of the debris only to find dead people under it.
How does it feel to have escaped that murderous wave only to find yourself alone, family lost, everything you own gone, just walking up and down with no idea of what to do next but to walk back and forth. Maybe someone might take you by the elbow and steer you to a shelter where there is a little food to eat, a little tea to drink...maybe? With all the hungry homeless filling these shelters already, how do you hold out your hand for food when there is next to nothing and a hungry child is next to you crying?
Added to that is the radiation from that nuclear plant....nobody is explaining in detail how much radiation there is, the true condition of those reactors and what is a safe distance to be away from them. All those people plus rescuers, reporters, military and so forth could be walking under a deadly reactive cloud but nobody knows for sure, and if they do, nobody is telling.
I could carry on and on but this is all I will say here, there is too much going on in my head that is impossible to get my brain around. What has happened to Japan can happen here in the US or any other country. The unfathomable thing is, the impossible is still going on there, There are still after shocks and even more earthquakes even. There is no food, no gas, the weather is against them and now there is this radiation thing. You can't see, smell or feel radiation until after it affects you. An invisible, undetectable monster spreading over the whole planet
I think about how rescuers must think when they survey the endless rubble of houses, vehicles and such as far as the eye can see. How do you overcome how hopeless it is. How do you cope with the feeling that there may be people just hanging on in that rubble by a miracle and you are unable to find them, much less save them. How does a rescuer place him or herself in danger climbing in and out of the debris only to find dead people under it.
How does it feel to have escaped that murderous wave only to find yourself alone, family lost, everything you own gone, just walking up and down with no idea of what to do next but to walk back and forth. Maybe someone might take you by the elbow and steer you to a shelter where there is a little food to eat, a little tea to drink...maybe? With all the hungry homeless filling these shelters already, how do you hold out your hand for food when there is next to nothing and a hungry child is next to you crying?
Added to that is the radiation from that nuclear plant....nobody is explaining in detail how much radiation there is, the true condition of those reactors and what is a safe distance to be away from them. All those people plus rescuers, reporters, military and so forth could be walking under a deadly reactive cloud but nobody knows for sure, and if they do, nobody is telling.
I could carry on and on but this is all I will say here, there is too much going on in my head that is impossible to get my brain around. What has happened to Japan can happen here in the US or any other country. The unfathomable thing is, the impossible is still going on there, There are still after shocks and even more earthquakes even. There is no food, no gas, the weather is against them and now there is this radiation thing. You can't see, smell or feel radiation until after it affects you. An invisible, undetectable monster spreading over the whole planet
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Got my comeuppance
I think my stomach is ok now. I am heating the kettle for a cup of tea. As the title says, I got my comeuppance and it was way overdue. I must learn to chew chew chew my mouthfuls and not to eat so much.
Those of you with weak stomachs can opt out here:
...............................................................................................
I had some sweet and sour pork from the Chinese place up the street, the one where my husband really likes the food (he is picky). Anyway here's this sweet and sour pork with fried rice and egg roll, something I shouldn't be eating anyway. I ate some and put the rest away.
A couple of hours later I decided to eat more. Let me tell you, for the one person in the world who doesn't eat Chinese food, that the pork is heavily battered and fried like a nice piece of fried fish, well, it's FRIED and I love fried food. And the red sauce, well yum yum on the tum
To cut a long story short, I ate too much, the food had no where to go but back up because of the restriction around my stomach. After I threw up I felt no better. I could feel food kind of stuck on it's way down to my main stomach but I had to let it just make it's way down there on it's own. Now I am ok but I was in pain for about an hour.
Well it serves me right. I'm not supposed to eat this kind of fattening food anyway. And when I do eat it, I need to chew chew chew very thoroughly so the food will go down right down and not get stuck. I have to remember that the band in my stomach works by restricting the amount of food I eat. If I eat too much or too fast, I get my comeuppance...and that's the first time since the operation that the food did come back up (yeah I know that's a pretty poor play on words.)
Lesson learned: Eat little, chew thoroughly, and pay attention to the little sensations that tell me I am being to greedy!!!
Those of you with weak stomachs can opt out here:
...............................................................................................
I had some sweet and sour pork from the Chinese place up the street, the one where my husband really likes the food (he is picky). Anyway here's this sweet and sour pork with fried rice and egg roll, something I shouldn't be eating anyway. I ate some and put the rest away.
A couple of hours later I decided to eat more. Let me tell you, for the one person in the world who doesn't eat Chinese food, that the pork is heavily battered and fried like a nice piece of fried fish, well, it's FRIED and I love fried food. And the red sauce, well yum yum on the tum
To cut a long story short, I ate too much, the food had no where to go but back up because of the restriction around my stomach. After I threw up I felt no better. I could feel food kind of stuck on it's way down to my main stomach but I had to let it just make it's way down there on it's own. Now I am ok but I was in pain for about an hour.
Well it serves me right. I'm not supposed to eat this kind of fattening food anyway. And when I do eat it, I need to chew chew chew very thoroughly so the food will go down right down and not get stuck. I have to remember that the band in my stomach works by restricting the amount of food I eat. If I eat too much or too fast, I get my comeuppance...and that's the first time since the operation that the food did come back up (yeah I know that's a pretty poor play on words.)
Lesson learned: Eat little, chew thoroughly, and pay attention to the little sensations that tell me I am being to greedy!!!
Friday, March 11, 2011
I feel so depressed
I really need to get away from the earthquake news on TV. It has been on all day and has settled on me like a dark cloud. Because I am always depressed anyway to a greater or lesser degree, this just adds to it. I am like that about catastrophes. Any time something terrible happens you will find me dazed in front of the TV, hearing the same things over and over.
Over the years many have told me not to watch any longer than I need to for updates as it brings me down so low. But something draws me to these things. The '89 earthquake in California, 9-11, the Indonesia tsaumi in 2004, Haiti's earthquake last year, to mention a few. I try to watch other channels but I keep going back to the news. Oh I remember another...the Gulf war with the burning oilfields and so forth. I don't know why I am like this.
What draws me to these terrible happenings?This dazed and depressed feeling will last a few days, until other news comes up. The disaster still goes on but I am able to get away from it. Oh, and the Gulf oil spill last year. I watched oil coming out of that damaged oil-well like a zombie.
Tomorrow I have to work so I will be away from the TV, and because I have to race through to get my work done, I won't have any time to watch residents' TV's as I work in their rooms. I stay in the house too much but I don't want to go out unless I have to, when I have no choice.
I should delete this but maybe I will let it stand. This is the bipolar part coming out, and as I lean more to the depressed end, that is how I feel. I did ride my bike but still can't get hold of my eating like I should...depressed I guess
Over the years many have told me not to watch any longer than I need to for updates as it brings me down so low. But something draws me to these things. The '89 earthquake in California, 9-11, the Indonesia tsaumi in 2004, Haiti's earthquake last year, to mention a few. I try to watch other channels but I keep going back to the news. Oh I remember another...the Gulf war with the burning oilfields and so forth. I don't know why I am like this.
What draws me to these terrible happenings?This dazed and depressed feeling will last a few days, until other news comes up. The disaster still goes on but I am able to get away from it. Oh, and the Gulf oil spill last year. I watched oil coming out of that damaged oil-well like a zombie.
Tomorrow I have to work so I will be away from the TV, and because I have to race through to get my work done, I won't have any time to watch residents' TV's as I work in their rooms. I stay in the house too much but I don't want to go out unless I have to, when I have no choice.
I should delete this but maybe I will let it stand. This is the bipolar part coming out, and as I lean more to the depressed end, that is how I feel. I did ride my bike but still can't get hold of my eating like I should...depressed I guess
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Sill can't get my day right (eating-wise)
This is the third day I have tried to have a good diet day. Breakfast and lunch are fine, it's something about the early afternoon and on from there that is dragging me down. Seeing as Gene is working second shift I don't have his high-calorie suppers to tempt me, and I am eating the diet meals. I think it all boils down to stress.
Yesterday I did good up to about 4 pm and then my grandson wanted chips and how easy it is to eat a handful myself. When he acts up I find myself eating. It's like I stood outside myself yesterday and watched me put away 5 sugar cookies. These cookies are nothing at all special, except they are soft-textured. You can get the whole package for $1 (10 large cookies) so you know they are crap.
Ever wonder why most people are so fat in this country? Less and less money coming into the house. More high-calorie, cheap junk comes in to fill the stomach and used for stress eating. It's an endless circle and I am trying to break the circle for myself.
By then I feel the day is shot so I eat handfuls of cereal like a robot and vow tomorrow I will do better. Meanwhile the weeks are going by and I worry about losing enough weight to make a difference in the hot summer around the corner. One of my problems is that I have trouble seeing the big picture, the goal I am working for. Some people can keep their eyes on the prize and steadily work towards it until it is reached.
A better person than me could have at least 30 more pounds gone by this time than what I have now.
All I can say is, today I will try to do better. I have eaten breakfast and am not hungry. Lunch will be in a couple of hours time. Maybe if I cycle 20 minutes I might feel like I am accomplishing something. I haven't been on the bike in 2 weeks. My excuse is that I am trying to go through my things in the hopes that we can move into a much better place than where I am now. I've lived here 28 years. That is an awful lot of "stuff" to go through
Yesterday I did good up to about 4 pm and then my grandson wanted chips and how easy it is to eat a handful myself. When he acts up I find myself eating. It's like I stood outside myself yesterday and watched me put away 5 sugar cookies. These cookies are nothing at all special, except they are soft-textured. You can get the whole package for $1 (10 large cookies) so you know they are crap.
Ever wonder why most people are so fat in this country? Less and less money coming into the house. More high-calorie, cheap junk comes in to fill the stomach and used for stress eating. It's an endless circle and I am trying to break the circle for myself.
By then I feel the day is shot so I eat handfuls of cereal like a robot and vow tomorrow I will do better. Meanwhile the weeks are going by and I worry about losing enough weight to make a difference in the hot summer around the corner. One of my problems is that I have trouble seeing the big picture, the goal I am working for. Some people can keep their eyes on the prize and steadily work towards it until it is reached.
A better person than me could have at least 30 more pounds gone by this time than what I have now.
All I can say is, today I will try to do better. I have eaten breakfast and am not hungry. Lunch will be in a couple of hours time. Maybe if I cycle 20 minutes I might feel like I am accomplishing something. I haven't been on the bike in 2 weeks. My excuse is that I am trying to go through my things in the hopes that we can move into a much better place than where I am now. I've lived here 28 years. That is an awful lot of "stuff" to go through
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Haven't written in a long time....
It's been so long since I wrote anything here. No, I didn't drop off the edge of the earth. I've just been very down and my mind seems to be like cotton wool and doesn't want to work. I am hoping that writing this, will mean that I am looking up a little and maybe things are turning the corner.
A couple of weeks ago I went to the weight loss surgeon's office for my check-up and they gave me a 1cc fill (in the past it has been 2cc's.) This means I have to be very careful to chew my food well because it gets stuck in the banded part of my stomach and won't go down. When I first begin to eat, usually I have forgotten this and I have to find out the hard way. It is a very unpleasant feeling, like something is lodged in my throat. I drink something and it takes a slow time before it passes the barrier and enters the larger stomach below. One day I will remember to chew well on the first bite.
I like to eat peanut butter and banana on toast for breakfast. This is an example of a food that must be chewed thoroughly before it goes down. Some foods are smooth (such as ice cream and mashed potatoes that I have no business eating anyway.)
Speaking of ice cream, I have some forbidden things to confess that I ate yesterday. I do well for breakfast. I am not a big breakfast eater so that sandwich and coffee is all I want. But yesterday I was on a roll. It seems once I start, I can't stop.
I ate:
coleslaw (not low calorie)
2 slices of pork, that was more fatty than I should have eaten (leftovers)
Hubby went to work for 1pm and I remembered there was maple walnut ice cream in the freezer. I wasn't happy until I had eaten 3 helpings. Gene will know when he goes to get some for himself that I ate it. Some I can explain away. I'll say that Amanda ate it,lol. But I know the difference
2 large helpings of natcho cheese chips (a weakness of mine, for the cheesy, salty taste)
By them I was overfull and uncomfortable and wish I never saw this food much less ate any. I can't remember off the bat what else I ate besides a pickle sandwich and two handfuls of ripple chips. By them some food had gone down and I ate a frozen diet meal (210 calories)
Then a break from eating (fat pig that I am) and about 8pm I made myself some diet ice cream from Slimfast powder and milk, ate this about 10pm and that was the end of my awful day of eating.
All I can do is put it behind me and start afresh today. For lunch I might eat some baked beans (protein) and hopefully that won't start a chain reaction of cravings like yesterday. I must stick to this. We are in March now and at last weigh in I was 252 lbs. If I want to get anywhere near 200 lbs I have to do some hard, hard work. Wish me luck
A couple of weeks ago I went to the weight loss surgeon's office for my check-up and they gave me a 1cc fill (in the past it has been 2cc's.) This means I have to be very careful to chew my food well because it gets stuck in the banded part of my stomach and won't go down. When I first begin to eat, usually I have forgotten this and I have to find out the hard way. It is a very unpleasant feeling, like something is lodged in my throat. I drink something and it takes a slow time before it passes the barrier and enters the larger stomach below. One day I will remember to chew well on the first bite.
I like to eat peanut butter and banana on toast for breakfast. This is an example of a food that must be chewed thoroughly before it goes down. Some foods are smooth (such as ice cream and mashed potatoes that I have no business eating anyway.)
Speaking of ice cream, I have some forbidden things to confess that I ate yesterday. I do well for breakfast. I am not a big breakfast eater so that sandwich and coffee is all I want. But yesterday I was on a roll. It seems once I start, I can't stop.
I ate:
coleslaw (not low calorie)
2 slices of pork, that was more fatty than I should have eaten (leftovers)
Hubby went to work for 1pm and I remembered there was maple walnut ice cream in the freezer. I wasn't happy until I had eaten 3 helpings. Gene will know when he goes to get some for himself that I ate it. Some I can explain away. I'll say that Amanda ate it,lol. But I know the difference
2 large helpings of natcho cheese chips (a weakness of mine, for the cheesy, salty taste)
By them I was overfull and uncomfortable and wish I never saw this food much less ate any. I can't remember off the bat what else I ate besides a pickle sandwich and two handfuls of ripple chips. By them some food had gone down and I ate a frozen diet meal (210 calories)
Then a break from eating (fat pig that I am) and about 8pm I made myself some diet ice cream from Slimfast powder and milk, ate this about 10pm and that was the end of my awful day of eating.
All I can do is put it behind me and start afresh today. For lunch I might eat some baked beans (protein) and hopefully that won't start a chain reaction of cravings like yesterday. I must stick to this. We are in March now and at last weigh in I was 252 lbs. If I want to get anywhere near 200 lbs I have to do some hard, hard work. Wish me luck
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Reply to a friend who is going through weight loss surgery
I've been very depressed and down on myself and letting life run me over so I haven't spent much time here. I wanted to record everything and stay faithful to this blog but I let it slip by. Anyway, one of my fb friends who is going through the weight loss surgery experience posted that she felt down and doubted her decision to go through with it. I wrote her a reply that ended up long.
When I read it a second time I decided I would make it a blog entry. Linda C. this one is for you !
.................................................................................................................................................................
When I read it a second time I decided I would make it a blog entry. Linda C. this one is for you !
.................................................................................................................................................................
Linda I understand. For years I tried to fix the problem myself. I spent money on weightloss groups, pills, gymn equipment, and all kinds of diets. At some point we have to let go and tell ourselves that we have done as much as we can, time to call in the experts.
If somebody broke a bone, would we expect that person to fix it by themselves? No, we call in a doctor to set the bone properly and put a cast on it. We have been conditioned as over-weight people that we are lazy, have no will power, looking for a quick fix. The vast majority of us are nothing of the kind, and would have never willingly put ourselves in the predicament we are in, no more than an alcholic or drug addict decides in advance that they will become dependent on those things.
Our drug is food, and unfortunately we can't get away from it. We need to eat every day, prepare it for other people, it's in our face all day long. I get so frustrated over the things thin people say about heavy people and how we got this way...grrrr I'm on a rant here...Linda I understand if nobody else does because I am going through it and I am still learning right from wrong and how to deal with a stomach redesigned by surgery.
Please don't get depressed or figure it's all your fault, or this is what you get when you eat all the pie and cake. We are our own worst enemies. My med nurse told me once that I would never treat another person as harshly as I treat myself. This is longer than I intended to write and maybe I should have pm'd you. But you know, I hope many people read this and let it strike a chord. Maybe they might understand just a little if they read something by a fat person (((((((Linda))))))
If somebody broke a bone, would we expect that person to fix it by themselves? No, we call in a doctor to set the bone properly and put a cast on it. We have been conditioned as over-weight people that we are lazy, have no will power, looking for a quick fix. The vast majority of us are nothing of the kind, and would have never willingly put ourselves in the predicament we are in, no more than an alcholic or drug addict decides in advance that they will become dependent on those things.
Our drug is food, and unfortunately we can't get away from it. We need to eat every day, prepare it for other people, it's in our face all day long. I get so frustrated over the things thin people say about heavy people and how we got this way...grrrr I'm on a rant here...Linda I understand if nobody else does because I am going through it and I am still learning right from wrong and how to deal with a stomach redesigned by surgery.
Please don't get depressed or figure it's all your fault, or this is what you get when you eat all the pie and cake. We are our own worst enemies. My med nurse told me once that I would never treat another person as harshly as I treat myself. This is longer than I intended to write and maybe I should have pm'd you. But you know, I hope many people read this and let it strike a chord. Maybe they might understand just a little if they read something by a fat person (((((((Linda))))))
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Feeling pretty good today
Today is a brilliant day, the sun shining brightly in a cloudless sky on all the icy snow. If I go out, I will need shades so I can see with all the white on the ground. However, I won't be going out today. I thought I was, but my carotid artery ultrasound is next Tuesday, not this one! So glad I saw it in time not to show up for nothing and waste my gas.
Sunny days like this one give me energy to do things at hand, so this is why I am posting today..here lately I haven't felt like it. My diet has been terrible for the past week. Definitely not helped by grey skies and my grandson's birthday cake and ice cream! I am powerless when it comes to this kind of temptation!
I had a peanut butter and banana sandwich for breakfast, and I plan to have cottage cheese mixed with something for lunch. Maybe some yoghurt for flavour. Then I will do my best to get around my husband's cooking. You see, he comes from the mountains down south and most of his food, though delicious, is full of fat and calories. I have some Healthy Choice diet meals in the freezer, I will do my best to eat one of those for supper.
Much of my eating problems come from the fact that my husband is an early-to-bed-early-to rise- person and I am a night owl. So he likes to eat supper around 2pm and heads to bed after 4pm (he says he is watching TV but I know he sleeps through programmes.) So here's me getting up at 7, having breakfast around 9, and I should be eating lunch about the time he likes to eat supper. Back in the day before I knew him, supper was at 5pm and I do my best when I eat like this. During the depressing winter months it is so easy just to eat what he does and when he does, then be hungry in the evening and night hours that I am up.
The fact that my eye doctor found cholesterol in a vein in my left eye last week (hence the test and blood work) means I will probably be put on a low fat diet (technically I am supposed to be on one anyway, as I take pills for high cholesterol) means I will have to be extra strict. Today I feel able to cope. I hope tomorrow I feel able to cope as well, for my health's sake
Sunny days like this one give me energy to do things at hand, so this is why I am posting today..here lately I haven't felt like it. My diet has been terrible for the past week. Definitely not helped by grey skies and my grandson's birthday cake and ice cream! I am powerless when it comes to this kind of temptation!
I had a peanut butter and banana sandwich for breakfast, and I plan to have cottage cheese mixed with something for lunch. Maybe some yoghurt for flavour. Then I will do my best to get around my husband's cooking. You see, he comes from the mountains down south and most of his food, though delicious, is full of fat and calories. I have some Healthy Choice diet meals in the freezer, I will do my best to eat one of those for supper.
Much of my eating problems come from the fact that my husband is an early-to-bed-early-to rise- person and I am a night owl. So he likes to eat supper around 2pm and heads to bed after 4pm (he says he is watching TV but I know he sleeps through programmes.) So here's me getting up at 7, having breakfast around 9, and I should be eating lunch about the time he likes to eat supper. Back in the day before I knew him, supper was at 5pm and I do my best when I eat like this. During the depressing winter months it is so easy just to eat what he does and when he does, then be hungry in the evening and night hours that I am up.
The fact that my eye doctor found cholesterol in a vein in my left eye last week (hence the test and blood work) means I will probably be put on a low fat diet (technically I am supposed to be on one anyway, as I take pills for high cholesterol) means I will have to be extra strict. Today I feel able to cope. I hope tomorrow I feel able to cope as well, for my health's sake
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Haven't written in a while
I am making myself write this because I don't feel like doing it. Some might say, that's when you have the most to say. My thoughts are all jumbled. All I do on the pc is play games. I used to spend a lot of time doing other things on line. After all Facebook isn't the whole internet. So why do I spend so much time here?
I don't even keep up with my fb family like I should. I am stuck under my rock, can't even think for myself much less anybody else. This is the shameful truth. Now, not only have I boxed myself into a small house not wanting to come out. I have also boxed myself into a little corner of fb and can't see past the games.
Maybe I need to call my med nurse but do you know all she'll do is put up my pill dosage.. If I tell her I want to go to the partial hospital again she will say fine but then I have to add that I don't have a way up there and back. I've also boxed myself and my car into a limited place. Home, work, doctors I can get to. Otherwise I ask somebody (usually my daughter) to take me. I have put myself in a box and I don't know how to climb out.
Besides all my mental ignorance I did find out one thing about my lapband which helps me at night. A couple of nights I woke up with an awful pain in my gut. It felt like something was tunnelling it's way through my stomach and was having a very hard time getting through. Well it was all my fault. I have been getting away with murder picking at this and that and one of the things I was picking at was potato chips. Also I am not very good at remembering to chew everything that I eat very thoroughly before I swallow. Well my guess is that some chips that were not chewed right were getting stuck in the small section where the band was around my stomach. I waited it out because there was nothing I could do about it. Then I resolved not to eat any more potato chips, at least at night when they would give me trouble.
Back to the partial hospital, I feel that I could get more out of it if I could attend, because I went last summer and spent a lot of time feeling my way around, getting used to the way they did things. This time I could spend more time on my problems. I said this last summer but I will repeat it here. At the partial hospital, you are made to focus on your own troubles, this is your time, and to put yourself first for once in your life. Many of us give little pieces of ourselves away every day until there is nothing left but an empty shell. This is the point I have gotten to. I know when I need help
I don't even keep up with my fb family like I should. I am stuck under my rock, can't even think for myself much less anybody else. This is the shameful truth. Now, not only have I boxed myself into a small house not wanting to come out. I have also boxed myself into a little corner of fb and can't see past the games.
Maybe I need to call my med nurse but do you know all she'll do is put up my pill dosage.. If I tell her I want to go to the partial hospital again she will say fine but then I have to add that I don't have a way up there and back. I've also boxed myself and my car into a limited place. Home, work, doctors I can get to. Otherwise I ask somebody (usually my daughter) to take me. I have put myself in a box and I don't know how to climb out.
Besides all my mental ignorance I did find out one thing about my lapband which helps me at night. A couple of nights I woke up with an awful pain in my gut. It felt like something was tunnelling it's way through my stomach and was having a very hard time getting through. Well it was all my fault. I have been getting away with murder picking at this and that and one of the things I was picking at was potato chips. Also I am not very good at remembering to chew everything that I eat very thoroughly before I swallow. Well my guess is that some chips that were not chewed right were getting stuck in the small section where the band was around my stomach. I waited it out because there was nothing I could do about it. Then I resolved not to eat any more potato chips, at least at night when they would give me trouble.
Back to the partial hospital, I feel that I could get more out of it if I could attend, because I went last summer and spent a lot of time feeling my way around, getting used to the way they did things. This time I could spend more time on my problems. I said this last summer but I will repeat it here. At the partial hospital, you are made to focus on your own troubles, this is your time, and to put yourself first for once in your life. Many of us give little pieces of ourselves away every day until there is nothing left but an empty shell. This is the point I have gotten to. I know when I need help
Monday, January 31, 2011
I weigh 256 lbs now!!!
I would say a little over 30lbs has gone but I have a long way to go. At least 100 more lbs, maybe more if I can get down a little further. This lap-band fill is better than the last one. I can actually feel things get stuck in the upper part of my stomach if I don'r chew them enough. My remedy for this is to drink something and wash it down. This happened to me last night around midnight. Amanda came in the door and had some left-over Chinese food with her. I grabbed a piece of chicken and didn't chew it properly. It felt like something sharp had got stuck in my throat and was very painful until I thought of drinking to help it past the restriction and into the larger stomach.
Serves me right. I had no business, especially at midnight, to raid anybody's leftovers.
I find I am having to scale down my portions, and it's difficult to remember that I can't eat much any more. I load up my plate the way I used to do then remember most of that food won't get down my stomach. Of course I am reminded that while the lap-band helps with portions, it's very easy to eat around it. I am a "picker" Pickers eat little bits all through the day instead of 3 proper meals and a snack. So that is a special challenge for me.
I also have trouble remembering to chew my food thoroughly to make sure it doesn't get stuck like it did midnight last night. That was scary for the moment and I was so relieved once the chicken got past the band. It's so easy to gulp things like I used to do. Before this fill I was eating pretty much the same as always and it all went down, and I could eat a fair amount at one go .
This is why I am suprised that I was able to go down from 262 1/2 lbs to 256 1/2 lbs. That's 6 lbs down in a month. Not exactly gangbusters, but at least maybe my skin will not sag as much as if I had gotten the by-pass and lost a great deal of weight by now.
I am like everybody else, I am so sick of all this snow and cold. Most diet food is cold food, when you think about it. Comfort food is usually nice and hot to warm you and make you feel good. Beware the hot comfort food!
Serves me right. I had no business, especially at midnight, to raid anybody's leftovers.
I find I am having to scale down my portions, and it's difficult to remember that I can't eat much any more. I load up my plate the way I used to do then remember most of that food won't get down my stomach. Of course I am reminded that while the lap-band helps with portions, it's very easy to eat around it. I am a "picker" Pickers eat little bits all through the day instead of 3 proper meals and a snack. So that is a special challenge for me.
I also have trouble remembering to chew my food thoroughly to make sure it doesn't get stuck like it did midnight last night. That was scary for the moment and I was so relieved once the chicken got past the band. It's so easy to gulp things like I used to do. Before this fill I was eating pretty much the same as always and it all went down, and I could eat a fair amount at one go .
This is why I am suprised that I was able to go down from 262 1/2 lbs to 256 1/2 lbs. That's 6 lbs down in a month. Not exactly gangbusters, but at least maybe my skin will not sag as much as if I had gotten the by-pass and lost a great deal of weight by now.
I am like everybody else, I am so sick of all this snow and cold. Most diet food is cold food, when you think about it. Comfort food is usually nice and hot to warm you and make you feel good. Beware the hot comfort food!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Had my second "fill" today,and weigh-in
This is lap-band business today....I had my second "fill" This is when the doctor locates the port on the top of my stomach and injects saline water into the lap-band device. A month ago, at my first fill, the doctor put 2 cc in, and today another 2 cc was added. Whereas the first time it didn't seem to make a difference in how I felt, this time I could feel the device as it inflated, so to speak. I can still feel it now. It feels kinda like when you have eaten a big dinner and you feel stuffed. Much as you would like another helping of dessert, you have to turn it down. Maybe later.
I have to stick to liquids again for the next couple of days, so it's back to Shakesville and my trusty little blender!
Oh and despite all my picking, I did manage to lose a little weight. Last month I weighed 262 1/2 lbs. and today I was down to 256 1/2 lbs. I can only put it down to riding my recumbent bike twice daily for exercise. Needless to say, all this made me feel a lot better. Plus the bright sunshiney day after the storm we had yesterday definitely helped a lot. It was hard to see with the sun's glare on the white snow, which is really piled up high now.
Yesterday I was so down. It was snowing heavily, there was no school so Max was bored and running around. Plus all of us in this small house makes it feel very claustrophobic. There's really no where to go unless you go to bed. The bedrooms are so cold you have to get under the covers to feel warm. No sitting up watching TV in there in the winter-time!!!
On good days everybody goes out and I feel better again with some space around me for a while.
I hope this month coming up I can lose a little more as February is here and I would really like to get as close to 200lbs as I can get before the hot weather comes.
Hot weather!!! I've forgotten what that is!!!
I have to stick to liquids again for the next couple of days, so it's back to Shakesville and my trusty little blender!
Oh and despite all my picking, I did manage to lose a little weight. Last month I weighed 262 1/2 lbs. and today I was down to 256 1/2 lbs. I can only put it down to riding my recumbent bike twice daily for exercise. Needless to say, all this made me feel a lot better. Plus the bright sunshiney day after the storm we had yesterday definitely helped a lot. It was hard to see with the sun's glare on the white snow, which is really piled up high now.
Yesterday I was so down. It was snowing heavily, there was no school so Max was bored and running around. Plus all of us in this small house makes it feel very claustrophobic. There's really no where to go unless you go to bed. The bedrooms are so cold you have to get under the covers to feel warm. No sitting up watching TV in there in the winter-time!!!
On good days everybody goes out and I feel better again with some space around me for a while.
I hope this month coming up I can lose a little more as February is here and I would really like to get as close to 200lbs as I can get before the hot weather comes.
Hot weather!!! I've forgotten what that is!!!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
The Shower.... a depressed person's view
All depressed people who read this will nod their heads in agreement, while the lucky ones without depression hanging over their heads probably won't understand.
I just took a shower and washed my hair. Big deal, some might say. Plus I brushed my teeth. Because I suffer from bipolar disorder (the depressed end) there are some things I just don't want to do, or the wherewithal to do necessary things just evades me. In fact, one of the things doctors look for in a patient with depression is how they are dressed, and what state of cleanliness their body is in and if they cared enough to try.
It seems strange to want to write about a subject which is disgusting...what is worse than a person who has sat around in their same clothes for 3 days? At my worst I have been there. The biggest issue is getting out of bed, and once out, you just sit around. In my case I spend the day online, watching TV and eating junk food. I don't care what I look like, what the junk food is doing to my body and even if I smell or not. Very disgusting I know but I promised to talk about even the ugly stuff here.
You just can't physically or mentally take care of yourself when you feel this way. I said go on line and watch TV. It's more like facing the keyboard and maybe picking at an online game. The TV is background noise. Usually when I get this way I get on the phone and cry to my med nurse, who has me come in and puts my medication up, or changes it around.
Somehow even though very depressed, it occurs to me that they could haul my ass off to Butler and look after me. I wouldn't have to do anything. They would even get me out of bed and shower me and place my meals in front of me.
But I have always had a little spark left even in the deepest depression. I know my mood will change in time. I work in a nursing home. I see people being made to do things because it is convenient for the daily running of the ward. In fact I have been there, 30+ years ago when I was off the wall in a manic state. They haul you out of bed, a nurse on either side. You have to eat when they say. You have to shower when they say or they haul you in the shower by force and wash you themselves because it has to be done.
That to me would be the absolute bottom and I never want to have to sink that low again as long as I live. So now you see why depressed people eventually find enough mental strength to do their personal care...and why it is such a big feat that I found it necessary to announce it in a weight-loss blog
I just took a shower and washed my hair. Big deal, some might say. Plus I brushed my teeth. Because I suffer from bipolar disorder (the depressed end) there are some things I just don't want to do, or the wherewithal to do necessary things just evades me. In fact, one of the things doctors look for in a patient with depression is how they are dressed, and what state of cleanliness their body is in and if they cared enough to try.
It seems strange to want to write about a subject which is disgusting...what is worse than a person who has sat around in their same clothes for 3 days? At my worst I have been there. The biggest issue is getting out of bed, and once out, you just sit around. In my case I spend the day online, watching TV and eating junk food. I don't care what I look like, what the junk food is doing to my body and even if I smell or not. Very disgusting I know but I promised to talk about even the ugly stuff here.
You just can't physically or mentally take care of yourself when you feel this way. I said go on line and watch TV. It's more like facing the keyboard and maybe picking at an online game. The TV is background noise. Usually when I get this way I get on the phone and cry to my med nurse, who has me come in and puts my medication up, or changes it around.
Somehow even though very depressed, it occurs to me that they could haul my ass off to Butler and look after me. I wouldn't have to do anything. They would even get me out of bed and shower me and place my meals in front of me.
But I have always had a little spark left even in the deepest depression. I know my mood will change in time. I work in a nursing home. I see people being made to do things because it is convenient for the daily running of the ward. In fact I have been there, 30+ years ago when I was off the wall in a manic state. They haul you out of bed, a nurse on either side. You have to eat when they say. You have to shower when they say or they haul you in the shower by force and wash you themselves because it has to be done.
That to me would be the absolute bottom and I never want to have to sink that low again as long as I live. So now you see why depressed people eventually find enough mental strength to do their personal care...and why it is such a big feat that I found it necessary to announce it in a weight-loss blog
Monday, January 24, 2011
Diet Musings, part 2
I haven't written here in a while. My diet is non-existent eg I ate a couple of handfuls of miniature marshmallos just now and my meal portions could be a lot smaller. This has been a disastrous month diet-wise. I managed to lose 5lbs last month but only a miracle could save me this Thursday when I weigh in again. I am going to ask for another "fill" and see if I can get this stomach smaller so it will hold less. I was able to eat a plateful of supper earlier and I shouldn't be able to eat much more than a cupful of food.
It's like weight-Watchers. You know you had a bad week, and the best you can do is weigh in, take your dressing-down and make another start with a bright shiny new slate. I honestly can't feel the effects of having this implanted device...well maybe if I could, I would be extremely careful what, and how much I put in my stomach.
However I am riding my incumbent bike 20 minutes twice a day for what it's worth. I know that if I don't restrict my eating I might as well not bother. But at least I can tone my legs if nothing else.
This has also been a hard month family situation-wise, lots of stress (therefore lots of stress eating, a habit I would like to break forever.) Also the miserable cold and snowy weather never did sit well with me. Some like the cold but it only makes me miserable. It doesn't help that we have to keep the thermostat lower because of the cost. Just makes me want to stay in my nice warm bed all day, and when I do get up, I have no ambition to do anything.
To this end I have asked DH to wake me up about 7:30am rather than the 9 am he usually does for the discipline because this is what I do on the weekend anyway. I get up at 7am and eat and get ready for work. This includes of course The Dreaded Shower. It is soooo cold. I told myself I would do this every day, but this am I did not shower. Tomorrow I promise I will shower. I have to get in some kind of routine. Routine works for me...when I can establish one
It's like weight-Watchers. You know you had a bad week, and the best you can do is weigh in, take your dressing-down and make another start with a bright shiny new slate. I honestly can't feel the effects of having this implanted device...well maybe if I could, I would be extremely careful what, and how much I put in my stomach.
However I am riding my incumbent bike 20 minutes twice a day for what it's worth. I know that if I don't restrict my eating I might as well not bother. But at least I can tone my legs if nothing else.
This has also been a hard month family situation-wise, lots of stress (therefore lots of stress eating, a habit I would like to break forever.) Also the miserable cold and snowy weather never did sit well with me. Some like the cold but it only makes me miserable. It doesn't help that we have to keep the thermostat lower because of the cost. Just makes me want to stay in my nice warm bed all day, and when I do get up, I have no ambition to do anything.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Diet Musings
I go to see my Weight Loss Doctor next Thursday (can't believe we have gone through January, just about). I haven't been very good for this past month and I am sure it will show up on the scale. I think I can still eat a large amount when I sit down to eat supper or other meal. I am hoping he can fill my band a little more so I will have to physically stop eating after a cup of food, which is the ideal.
I am fighting carb overload as well, which I go through every year. While I can honestly say that this year has been the best I have ever had when it comes to Seasonal Affective Disorder, I still have the carbs calling my name. These are what I call The Diet Wreckers. For example, right on my stove right now is a plate of chocolate chip cookies that I am trying hard to stay away from. It's bad enough that I ate two late last night.
People say, "well Linda you need to tell the people in your house that if they want goodies, to eat them where you can't see them as it is your weakness." Well this is true but in real life people eat what they want, when they want and where they want and it is up to me not to give way to the temptation. Which is easier said than done.
Maybe some of the reason I feel like this is because I can't feel the presence of the lap-band inside my stomach. I mean, I can feel the port of I press around the upper part of my stomach, but I don't feel the tightness around the stomach itself that is supposed to make you feel full on a small amount of food.
One of the things that works for me is, as the longer days that bring the warmer weather is around the corner, my diet changes naturally from junk to things that are better for me to eat. Just think of it. All the foods that are good for you are mostly cold items and that is not what you want to eat when you feel cold!
At least I am still riding my recumbent bike 20 min/day. The Dietition wants me to add another 20 minutes at night to increase my activity. Well my excuse is, it's too cold to get on the bike!!! It seems any excuse is good enough for me....well maybe I can make myself get on the bike at night for 5 minutes and work up. At the best part of my weight loss through hypnosis, I was doing 1/2 hr twice a day. I really hope I can do this again, as I did lose more weight and inches when I did
I am fighting carb overload as well, which I go through every year. While I can honestly say that this year has been the best I have ever had when it comes to Seasonal Affective Disorder, I still have the carbs calling my name. These are what I call The Diet Wreckers. For example, right on my stove right now is a plate of chocolate chip cookies that I am trying hard to stay away from. It's bad enough that I ate two late last night.
People say, "well Linda you need to tell the people in your house that if they want goodies, to eat them where you can't see them as it is your weakness." Well this is true but in real life people eat what they want, when they want and where they want and it is up to me not to give way to the temptation. Which is easier said than done.
Maybe some of the reason I feel like this is because I can't feel the presence of the lap-band inside my stomach. I mean, I can feel the port of I press around the upper part of my stomach, but I don't feel the tightness around the stomach itself that is supposed to make you feel full on a small amount of food.
One of the things that works for me is, as the longer days that bring the warmer weather is around the corner, my diet changes naturally from junk to things that are better for me to eat. Just think of it. All the foods that are good for you are mostly cold items and that is not what you want to eat when you feel cold!
At least I am still riding my recumbent bike 20 min/day. The Dietition wants me to add another 20 minutes at night to increase my activity. Well my excuse is, it's too cold to get on the bike!!! It seems any excuse is good enough for me....well maybe I can make myself get on the bike at night for 5 minutes and work up. At the best part of my weight loss through hypnosis, I was doing 1/2 hr twice a day. I really hope I can do this again, as I did lose more weight and inches when I did
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Changing the title of my blog yet again
I have decided to change the title of my blog to include the struggles I have with bipolar disorder as well as the lap band. I think the success of the band rests on how I feel from one day to the next and I am fighting two battles. It isn't easy. I have my good days and then I have my bad days and right now it seems my struggle with mental illness has taken over my food issues for now.
For those who don't know, Bipolar Disorder (or Manic-Depresssion as they called it before) is caused by a chemical disorder in the brain. The drugs I have to take try to stabilise the ups and downs in my moods so I can function as well as possible in the real world. Even though great strides have been made in the past few years in having mental illness brought out of the shadows into the so-called "normal world", there is still a stigma attached.
This stigma means many people with mental illness suffer in silence because they don't want anybody to know because of the fear of being judged for what they cannot help.
I don't care any more what people think because I have a mental disability. Let the sunlight in. You would be surprised how many people there are out there who are coping with some form of mental problem. I refuse to hide under a rock any more. Maybe I can help somebody else by speaking out.
So I have two problems to deal with. Obesity which affects my physical well-being, hence the lap-band surgery. And Bipolar Disorder which affects my mind and day-to-day life, so there are drugs I have to take.
Every day is a challenge
For those who don't know, Bipolar Disorder (or Manic-Depresssion as they called it before) is caused by a chemical disorder in the brain. The drugs I have to take try to stabilise the ups and downs in my moods so I can function as well as possible in the real world. Even though great strides have been made in the past few years in having mental illness brought out of the shadows into the so-called "normal world", there is still a stigma attached.
This stigma means many people with mental illness suffer in silence because they don't want anybody to know because of the fear of being judged for what they cannot help.
I don't care any more what people think because I have a mental disability. Let the sunlight in. You would be surprised how many people there are out there who are coping with some form of mental problem. I refuse to hide under a rock any more. Maybe I can help somebody else by speaking out.
So I have two problems to deal with. Obesity which affects my physical well-being, hence the lap-band surgery. And Bipolar Disorder which affects my mind and day-to-day life, so there are drugs I have to take.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Some thoughts after my bed-time meds
I have a good 15 minutes before my bed-time meds cut in and make me drowsy. Right now I am having problems with the fuzzy vision again. I have tried not to spend so much time time on here so that my eyes wouldn't be strained as much. What I don't get is that about 2 months ago I had no problems spending hour after hour at my games, or looking things up. Now I don't enjoy it because things are so blurry. Yes, even with my expensive new glasses. Which really frosts me, seeing as I paid so much for them.
I see the Eye Dr. again on Feb. 4, and I will complain...if I can wait that long!!!
Meanwhile I am still starting the day off right diet-wise and then going down hill steadily in the afternoon. I think it must be stress. I have a situation I am living with made of many smaller situations that I can't really do anything about. Because I have always emotionally eaten, the least thing has me reaching for stuff I shouldn't eat. I know I sound like a broke record. People reading must think "All she does is say she is eating what she shouldn't. Why doesn't she get it right for a change?"
Yes there's nothing better that I would like to do but put down here that I eat exactly as I should and the weight is coming off rapidly. But you know I have this feeling that I am not the only one who struggles with emotional eating to cope. And I am very, very guilty.
So tomorrow is a new day and I will start off on the right foot like I do everyday. Wouldn't it be nice if I could keep to my good intentions and get through the day and not nibble on this and that. I am blaming it on the cold as well..anything and anybody but myself.
Because in the final analysis, it's me who puts the food in my mouth, me who chews it up and me who swallows it. I just have to try harder tomorrow
I see the Eye Dr. again on Feb. 4, and I will complain...if I can wait that long!!!
Meanwhile I am still starting the day off right diet-wise and then going down hill steadily in the afternoon. I think it must be stress. I have a situation I am living with made of many smaller situations that I can't really do anything about. Because I have always emotionally eaten, the least thing has me reaching for stuff I shouldn't eat. I know I sound like a broke record. People reading must think "All she does is say she is eating what she shouldn't. Why doesn't she get it right for a change?"
Yes there's nothing better that I would like to do but put down here that I eat exactly as I should and the weight is coming off rapidly. But you know I have this feeling that I am not the only one who struggles with emotional eating to cope. And I am very, very guilty.
So tomorrow is a new day and I will start off on the right foot like I do everyday. Wouldn't it be nice if I could keep to my good intentions and get through the day and not nibble on this and that. I am blaming it on the cold as well..anything and anybody but myself.
Because in the final analysis, it's me who puts the food in my mouth, me who chews it up and me who swallows it. I just have to try harder tomorrow
Friday, January 14, 2011
I don't conform very well, even at 50+
Tomorrow I go to work with two new things: my glasses and my bangs. People will comment on both and I will feel special for a while. The kids in the kitchen are great for noticing anything new that I do, such as my nose ring and latest tattoo or different way of wearing my hair. Guess they look at the old crusty fat broad trying to keep up with the younger ones and laugh behind my back. Either that or they wish their mothers would lighten up a little,lol. I went through that stage where I wanted to look and be like everybody else but it wasn't me.
I wore gold when I wanted to wear silver, and I wore dainty jewellery because who can afford anything big in gold? I went to church and tried to blend in there for the better part of 10 years then I gave it up as a lost cause. I could not fit in even though I tried. It just wasn't me but it took a long time for me to get the message that conforming hair, clothes and jewellery, even glasses, does not a person make.
I knew I was on my way out when I wore a crystal around my neck at Christmas Mass and after that it was all downhill. Don't get me wrong when I go home I go to St. Peter's with Momma and I know the service and am happy in the old ritual, old hymns and prayer books. But I don't do Communion because I wouldn't feel right.
I guess I am a more "do my own thing" person when I am feeling well. That's when I celebrate being different with my silver jewellery, rose quartz pendant, diamond nose ring and two wrist tats. When I am depressed I just wear my outer self such as it is and my inside self shuts down until things turn around and I feel better.
Losing weight will be the biggest change I can make to myself now, and I don't know how I will wear a smaller self or if I will feel comfortable in it. I've been large for over 20 years. All those years spent over 230lbs. At the highest, 290 lbs. I am 258lbs now and feel better in my physical self. It remains to be seen what I will be when all these layers of fat are stripped away.
Maybe I'll just be a smaller person who dresses different as well as being different in the other ways I described. All I know is, I will still be a non-conformist in my ways even as I get older. When I feel well, of course. When depressed I will just wear my outer shell and nurse the inner one until I feel better.
One thing I do know is, you don't fix Bipolar Disorder by losing weight. I will always be wearing that no matter what size I am
I wore gold when I wanted to wear silver, and I wore dainty jewellery because who can afford anything big in gold? I went to church and tried to blend in there for the better part of 10 years then I gave it up as a lost cause. I could not fit in even though I tried. It just wasn't me but it took a long time for me to get the message that conforming hair, clothes and jewellery, even glasses, does not a person make.
I knew I was on my way out when I wore a crystal around my neck at Christmas Mass and after that it was all downhill. Don't get me wrong when I go home I go to St. Peter's with Momma and I know the service and am happy in the old ritual, old hymns and prayer books. But I don't do Communion because I wouldn't feel right.
I guess I am a more "do my own thing" person when I am feeling well. That's when I celebrate being different with my silver jewellery, rose quartz pendant, diamond nose ring and two wrist tats. When I am depressed I just wear my outer self such as it is and my inside self shuts down until things turn around and I feel better.
Losing weight will be the biggest change I can make to myself now, and I don't know how I will wear a smaller self or if I will feel comfortable in it. I've been large for over 20 years. All those years spent over 230lbs. At the highest, 290 lbs. I am 258lbs now and feel better in my physical self. It remains to be seen what I will be when all these layers of fat are stripped away.
Maybe I'll just be a smaller person who dresses different as well as being different in the other ways I described. All I know is, I will still be a non-conformist in my ways even as I get older. When I feel well, of course. When depressed I will just wear my outer shell and nurse the inner one until I feel better.
One thing I do know is, you don't fix Bipolar Disorder by losing weight. I will always be wearing that no matter what size I am
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
The little red pills
I don't like the new pills that I am having to take instead of the Abilify. I had no noticeable side effects with that drug but this one leaves me feeling "off kilter" for the day. I am trying to have patience and maybe this drugged out feeling will pass and I can feel happier again.
I did have a touch of the flu yesterday but it didn't last for long. It seems to be making it's rounds. Today there is a great deal of snow on the ground but that doesn't depress me. I am used to staying in the house all the time so being confined here didn't give me "cabin fever". Even the big branches that broke off the giant pine tree next door and brushed against the roof on their way down last night didn't bother me. They are all laying in the snow not far from my kitchen window. Bet now the neighbour has to take this tree down and there will be even less shade here in the summer. It seems so hard to write anything, my mind feels like cotton wool.
As for the food, I really miss my "snowy day eats." It was always my habit to get plenty of good junk food before a storm to carry me thru. Who knows whether the lights may go out and that's all I'll have? I'd stop at the dollar store and get Little Debbies by the box, candy, cookies and sometimes they would even have some Portuguese bread (Masa) for me to buy. This is good cut nice and thick and covered in butter.
Well maybe I saved myself a few pounds. It's strange how I am thinking of my usual goodies but they seem like words on a page. Maybe it's those little red pills I have to take every night. They are really cramping my style
I did have a touch of the flu yesterday but it didn't last for long. It seems to be making it's rounds. Today there is a great deal of snow on the ground but that doesn't depress me. I am used to staying in the house all the time so being confined here didn't give me "cabin fever". Even the big branches that broke off the giant pine tree next door and brushed against the roof on their way down last night didn't bother me. They are all laying in the snow not far from my kitchen window. Bet now the neighbour has to take this tree down and there will be even less shade here in the summer. It seems so hard to write anything, my mind feels like cotton wool.
As for the food, I really miss my "snowy day eats." It was always my habit to get plenty of good junk food before a storm to carry me thru. Who knows whether the lights may go out and that's all I'll have? I'd stop at the dollar store and get Little Debbies by the box, candy, cookies and sometimes they would even have some Portuguese bread (Masa) for me to buy. This is good cut nice and thick and covered in butter.
Well maybe I saved myself a few pounds. It's strange how I am thinking of my usual goodies but they seem like words on a page. Maybe it's those little red pills I have to take every night. They are really cramping my style
Monday, January 10, 2011
New pills and new glasses
Today I got my new blingin' glasses. They came in a cute little pink bag that could double as an evening purse. Inside the bag right now are the magnetic sun glasses in a cute pink zippered bag and a lense cleaning cloth. There's even a little mirror inside. I don't know what fascinates me more the little purse or the glasses but at least I can see without my vision doubled and my glasses are the latest fashion with sparkley designs on the arms.
That's one thing about me where I seem to spend a lot of money and that's on my glasses. I am poor as a church mouse but I am wearing glasses that cost near $500. I've got no clothes to speak of, ratty house shoes and one pair of sneakers to wear that cost me $19.95 but I've always managed to cobble together enough money to get decent glasses. Mind you the lenses were expensive with the prisms and all, but I am happy.
I need some Bermy sun, I don't like looking this white in my complection, I won't brown back up until summer and the hot weather comes back.
Now about the pills. These are weeny little red ones called Risperidone which is generic for Risperdal. My Medication Nurse said that these are similar to the Abilify which I can't afford. Eventually the generic Abilify will show up but for now I am trying this pill. It has some side effects and I hope I don't get them or this pill is out of here. One is the shakes and the other is..erm... embarrassed here... they could cause the woman to LACTATE. OMG I almost died laughing at that one. I am 55. Kinda late for all that, no thank you 8-0
Anyway please wish me good luck with my new glasses and especially my new pills. I don't want to tremble and lactate....and now you can laugh, can't believe I wrote that
I need some Bermy sun, I don't like looking this white in my complection, I won't brown back up until summer and the hot weather comes back.
Now about the pills. These are weeny little red ones called Risperidone which is generic for Risperdal. My Medication Nurse said that these are similar to the Abilify which I can't afford. Eventually the generic Abilify will show up but for now I am trying this pill. It has some side effects and I hope I don't get them or this pill is out of here. One is the shakes and the other is..erm... embarrassed here... they could cause the woman to LACTATE. OMG I almost died laughing at that one. I am 55. Kinda late for all that, no thank you 8-0
Anyway please wish me good luck with my new glasses and especially my new pills. I don't want to tremble and lactate....and now you can laugh, can't believe I wrote that
Friday, January 7, 2011
Trying Hard to Understand Food
I've been asking myself this question for a long time. Why is it that food bothers me but say, cigarettes or alcohol doesn't? I did smoke ages ago but I had no trouble giving it when I got pregnant with Amanda. Back then, cigarette smoke, coffee and cooking food made me nauseated. Besides one slip-back in the 80's I never went back to the cigarette.
I drank socially in the '70's and '80's but so didn't everybody. I had to give this up in the 90's when I began to take a lot of medication but I didn't really miss it. I don't have a social life that revolves around drink which made this easier.
But then there's the food. Somebody once wrote, "Alcohol, cigarettes, drugs etc you can live without if you have to. But food is around you all day and night long." This is why I find it most unfair that people judge an obese person by saying they have "no will power. I gave up smoking, why can't she give up pastry." I've had this said to me many times so I know how it feels.
I've thought about food, and broke it down into two broad sections. The foods that I like and the foods that I don't like. Obviously the problem lies with the foods I like. My overall preference is pastry, sweet things and ice-cream. When I am not on a diet I stuff myself with these things. My worry is that I will run out. My worry is that here I am getting close to 300lbs and I am slowly killing myself. My worry is that people are judging me and I feel guilty because I am eating. I don't feel well. Excess carbs make you slow, sap your energy and while they make you feel good for the time you are eating them, by the time that last slice of cake is gone, you are left feeling stuffed and guilty. You also ask yourself why you have no control and feel very depressed and unhappy.
I am looking at my favourite muffin, the coffee cake huge one from Dunkin' Donuts. (well not really, only in my mind's eye). It smells delicious. You can smell the sugar and the cinnamon that makes up the huge topping. I always start from the bottom cake part and leave my favourite topping until last. This must be at least 600 calories! It tastes so good going down. The topping is sweet, crunchy and feels good and tastes good in my mouth. Greedy Linda. There's another one just like it in the bag. That one isn't as good as the first one, in fact, I am starting to feel guilty and sorry for myself and depressed that I blew it yet again. Why O Why can't I stay away from these things?
The good news is, among the slips and small back slides that I have had over the past couple of months, those huge muffins haven't been a part of them. Christmas was difficult but I managed to lose 5lbs somehow as I wrote before.
Now I ask myself........300lbs or under 250lbs and slowly downward? It's my choice. I have all the tools to work with. Maybe I just need to resolve to do the best I can and when I fall down, to pick myself up again and carry on. Tomorrow is another day
I drank socially in the '70's and '80's but so didn't everybody. I had to give this up in the 90's when I began to take a lot of medication but I didn't really miss it. I don't have a social life that revolves around drink which made this easier.
But then there's the food. Somebody once wrote, "Alcohol, cigarettes, drugs etc you can live without if you have to. But food is around you all day and night long." This is why I find it most unfair that people judge an obese person by saying they have "no will power. I gave up smoking, why can't she give up pastry." I've had this said to me many times so I know how it feels.
I've thought about food, and broke it down into two broad sections. The foods that I like and the foods that I don't like. Obviously the problem lies with the foods I like. My overall preference is pastry, sweet things and ice-cream. When I am not on a diet I stuff myself with these things. My worry is that I will run out. My worry is that here I am getting close to 300lbs and I am slowly killing myself. My worry is that people are judging me and I feel guilty because I am eating. I don't feel well. Excess carbs make you slow, sap your energy and while they make you feel good for the time you are eating them, by the time that last slice of cake is gone, you are left feeling stuffed and guilty. You also ask yourself why you have no control and feel very depressed and unhappy.
I am looking at my favourite muffin, the coffee cake huge one from Dunkin' Donuts. (well not really, only in my mind's eye). It smells delicious. You can smell the sugar and the cinnamon that makes up the huge topping. I always start from the bottom cake part and leave my favourite topping until last. This must be at least 600 calories! It tastes so good going down. The topping is sweet, crunchy and feels good and tastes good in my mouth. Greedy Linda. There's another one just like it in the bag. That one isn't as good as the first one, in fact, I am starting to feel guilty and sorry for myself and depressed that I blew it yet again. Why O Why can't I stay away from these things?
The good news is, among the slips and small back slides that I have had over the past couple of months, those huge muffins haven't been a part of them. Christmas was difficult but I managed to lose 5lbs somehow as I wrote before.
Now I ask myself........300lbs or under 250lbs and slowly downward? It's my choice. I have all the tools to work with. Maybe I just need to resolve to do the best I can and when I fall down, to pick myself up again and carry on. Tomorrow is another day
Thursday, January 6, 2011
A Good Whine...
...And don't anybody offer me any cheese with that. I think everybody has the right to complain about the things That Will Not Change. My main thing is money and maybe yours is too. Without telling you my whole life story I will say that my husband uses money as a method of control over people, especially me.
I need a lot of medication, and make a lot of doctor visits, all necessary. For example now that my stomach has been banded, I have to see the Weight Loss Surgeon and Dietition on a regular basis. Then there's the management of my bipolar disorder, which because I am doing well keeping it all together, I don't have to live in that office. But that leads to my pet peeve today. I can't afford my Abilify. I have insurance now remember. Never mind that they want $70 as a co-pay. I have asked my medical nurse to fix me up with something I can afford until I can do better.
Then there's my glasses, near $400 more is needed, and if I don't pay my phone bill by the 15th my cell-phone ain't gonna work. And on and on and on.
DH seems to think I have plenty of money and he needs more help with the bills. He cries poverty but I know he has savings. I never knew what he made in his pay-cheque because we handle our own accounts. I am mad because he bitched me out about the heat bill. Well hello it's cold. Again only a small example of what I have to listen to.
So tonight I slammed the remote down on the counter and said that what sense was it to live because I had no money to live with and I can't cope any more. I KNOW he has money. He is the reason why I can't get any help with my living and medical expenses.
People think that just because you are married, that you are doing OK and you can get your money from your husband. Like I said we each manage our own money (but he always wants to know where mine goes).
Granted he is paying all the bills because I can't afford to help him much. Once Medicare and Blue Cross take their $250 and he takes $200 I am not left with much, all I basically have is 10 hours of work pay which I stretch. I don't ask for much, I don't have anything and don't own or ever owned any new furniture or nice things for the house.
OK I've had my whine and feel a little better. Maybe you can pass me some cheese after all. Make it some interesting foreign cheese, some pepperoni and Ritz while you are about it
I need a lot of medication, and make a lot of doctor visits, all necessary. For example now that my stomach has been banded, I have to see the Weight Loss Surgeon and Dietition on a regular basis. Then there's the management of my bipolar disorder, which because I am doing well keeping it all together, I don't have to live in that office. But that leads to my pet peeve today. I can't afford my Abilify. I have insurance now remember. Never mind that they want $70 as a co-pay. I have asked my medical nurse to fix me up with something I can afford until I can do better.
Then there's my glasses, near $400 more is needed, and if I don't pay my phone bill by the 15th my cell-phone ain't gonna work. And on and on and on.
DH seems to think I have plenty of money and he needs more help with the bills. He cries poverty but I know he has savings. I never knew what he made in his pay-cheque because we handle our own accounts. I am mad because he bitched me out about the heat bill. Well hello it's cold. Again only a small example of what I have to listen to.
So tonight I slammed the remote down on the counter and said that what sense was it to live because I had no money to live with and I can't cope any more. I KNOW he has money. He is the reason why I can't get any help with my living and medical expenses.
People think that just because you are married, that you are doing OK and you can get your money from your husband. Like I said we each manage our own money (but he always wants to know where mine goes).
Granted he is paying all the bills because I can't afford to help him much. Once Medicare and Blue Cross take their $250 and he takes $200 I am not left with much, all I basically have is 10 hours of work pay which I stretch. I don't ask for much, I don't have anything and don't own or ever owned any new furniture or nice things for the house.
OK I've had my whine and feel a little better. Maybe you can pass me some cheese after all. Make it some interesting foreign cheese, some pepperoni and Ritz while you are about it
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
At the Vets, Happy and Sad
I brought Lady to the vet's today for a check-up and to get a refill of her thyroid medication. It was seemed like dogs day in the office and I saw all kinds and all sizes. Lady had fun hissing and growling at different ones who go too close. Then I saw a man come in with a large dog with a kind, old husky face but light in colour on the rest of his body. The man had a large piece of cloth tied around the dogs middle and had trouble getting the dog in. I heard him tell the receptionist that it was his mother's dog. He let the cloth down gently and I could see the poor dog wasn't able to stand, but fell over in a huddle. I knew what was going to happen.
I was in that position 10 years ago with my Peanut, who, after 2 years of treatment for mega colon and then cardiomyopathy, was very sick and the vet, knowing how grieved I was, had to tell me it would be the kindest gift I could give her, if I would have her put to sleep.
The vet came and took the man and his dog away, and then a short time later the man came back and left the office in a hurry and I could tell he was crying. I felt so sad because I had looked into the patient old eyes of the dog as he laid there, and I knew somehow the poor animal knew his suffering would be at an end
Other dogs, young ones with their whole lives ahead of them, bounced around on their leashes, coming in for their rabies shots and small stuff. I sat next to a man who had a large white Chihuahua who was 1 1/2 years old, and he told me about what companionship his dog was to him. This was a happy story.
Meanwhile when Lady had her turn, I was happy to find out she had almost gained back a pound from a month ago. She had blood-work done, and the doctor decided to up her medication as her thyroid levels were still a little low. Otherwise my little girl was in good shape and I could take her home.
I said to the vet, "I could never work here among sick pets and having to put them to sleep". She told me it took a special person to do this work. For the old sick ones, she said it was a blessing and a kindness for them to be free of their pain and lack of quality of life.
As I sat in the reception area waiting for the blood work to come through, an elderly man came in and asked for his pet's remains. The receptionist went in the back and brought out a small, forest-green bag which somehow struck me as elegant even though I knew what it's contents were.
Let's just say, the vet's office is nowhere to go if you forgot your Xanax that morning (as I did). Too many thoughts happy and sad
I was in that position 10 years ago with my Peanut, who, after 2 years of treatment for mega colon and then cardiomyopathy, was very sick and the vet, knowing how grieved I was, had to tell me it would be the kindest gift I could give her, if I would have her put to sleep.
The vet came and took the man and his dog away, and then a short time later the man came back and left the office in a hurry and I could tell he was crying. I felt so sad because I had looked into the patient old eyes of the dog as he laid there, and I knew somehow the poor animal knew his suffering would be at an end
Other dogs, young ones with their whole lives ahead of them, bounced around on their leashes, coming in for their rabies shots and small stuff. I sat next to a man who had a large white Chihuahua who was 1 1/2 years old, and he told me about what companionship his dog was to him. This was a happy story.
Meanwhile when Lady had her turn, I was happy to find out she had almost gained back a pound from a month ago. She had blood-work done, and the doctor decided to up her medication as her thyroid levels were still a little low. Otherwise my little girl was in good shape and I could take her home.
I said to the vet, "I could never work here among sick pets and having to put them to sleep". She told me it took a special person to do this work. For the old sick ones, she said it was a blessing and a kindness for them to be free of their pain and lack of quality of life.
As I sat in the reception area waiting for the blood work to come through, an elderly man came in and asked for his pet's remains. The receptionist went in the back and brought out a small, forest-green bag which somehow struck me as elegant even though I knew what it's contents were.
Let's just say, the vet's office is nowhere to go if you forgot your Xanax that morning (as I did). Too many thoughts happy and sad
Monday, January 3, 2011
Of Crafts and Prisms
Yes these are a strange pair but that's what occupied my time today. First of all I went to see the Dietition. I have broken the 260 lb by 1/2 lb but that still puts me in the 250's doesn't it. Decades are important. As you lose 10 lbs by 10 lbs it feels like you are getting something done.
During my hypnosis last year I got down to 243 lbs before the weight started to go the other way. My temporary goal is to get that far down again and celebrate with a great big cake...I'm just kidding.
Anyway, I explained to the Dietition that my appetite is in my head, more than physical stomach hunger. I can tell you here and now that I haven't felt hungry since the day I had the surgery. What my head tells me is that there are Things Lurking In Cupboards and Sometimes In Plain Sight in my kitchen that would be Good To Eat. I then have a choice..I can give in to eating the things that got me up to 290lbs to start with, or find something to occupy my hands and time.
This is where crafts come in. She pushed a piece of paper across her desk with a whole list of things to do and out of them all it seemed some kind of craft would be the cheapest to do. Playing my facebook games isn't cutting it any more. When I run out of challenges and get too much money in the game, why bother. Maybe when I can extend my plot in Frontierville, it will interest me in clearing and fixing it up.
The prisms will be added to my new glasses (yes of course I had to purchase another pair of glasses!). They will be there to correct the eye strain I have been having over the past couple of months. Right now everything looks blurred and I am making many typing mistakes (thank you Spellcheck). The way it was explained by the Eye Doctor was that the muscles in my eyes used for focusing were needing help and it was causing me eye strain to focus on anything near, and increasingly, far away.
The prisms in my glasses would relieve the strain on my eye muscles and I would be able to focus again. Of course these glasses don't come cheap, none of mine ever do because along with the necessary expensive lenses, I like a decent pair of frames. Mine will be a metallic burgundy with bling on the sides, a little perk to try and boost my appearance.
Cheap craft work and expensive prisms. What can I say
During my hypnosis last year I got down to 243 lbs before the weight started to go the other way. My temporary goal is to get that far down again and celebrate with a great big cake...I'm just kidding.
Anyway, I explained to the Dietition that my appetite is in my head, more than physical stomach hunger. I can tell you here and now that I haven't felt hungry since the day I had the surgery. What my head tells me is that there are Things Lurking In Cupboards and Sometimes In Plain Sight in my kitchen that would be Good To Eat. I then have a choice..I can give in to eating the things that got me up to 290lbs to start with, or find something to occupy my hands and time.
This is where crafts come in. She pushed a piece of paper across her desk with a whole list of things to do and out of them all it seemed some kind of craft would be the cheapest to do. Playing my facebook games isn't cutting it any more. When I run out of challenges and get too much money in the game, why bother. Maybe when I can extend my plot in Frontierville, it will interest me in clearing and fixing it up.
The prisms will be added to my new glasses (yes of course I had to purchase another pair of glasses!). They will be there to correct the eye strain I have been having over the past couple of months. Right now everything looks blurred and I am making many typing mistakes (thank you Spellcheck). The way it was explained by the Eye Doctor was that the muscles in my eyes used for focusing were needing help and it was causing me eye strain to focus on anything near, and increasingly, far away.
The prisms in my glasses would relieve the strain on my eye muscles and I would be able to focus again. Of course these glasses don't come cheap, none of mine ever do because along with the necessary expensive lenses, I like a decent pair of frames. Mine will be a metallic burgundy with bling on the sides, a little perk to try and boost my appearance.
Cheap craft work and expensive prisms. What can I say
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Its true: the lap-band doesn't stop you from eating
Why is it that I start each day with the best of intentions when it comes to food, only to flounder later on in the day.The lap-band is great for keeping you from eating in bulk (as in eating small portions for meals) but is no defence against picking at this and that. I have to do better. Some how the other I have to find a way of keeping my hands occupied and my mind off, say, a handful of chips here, a candy there, pretzels and crackers. I notice I crave salt. Mike brings salt-and-vinegar chips in the house and that combination is irresistible.
Ice cream I can make from a Slimfast shake so that is not my problem any more. Chocolates, if they are in the house hidden from me, are also not a problem. Most pastry I have a much better chance than before of not eating.I've been doing my best to stay way from it. Christmas with the extra calorie-laden goodies is past and there were no parties or booze for me there.
Here it is at 11:30pm and most people will say, "Linda it is late. Save yourself some calories and go to bed." It's making myself go to bed that I have a problem with. Like making myself do chores, making myself take a shower, making myself get out of bed in the first place. I know that doesn't make any sense.
Tomorrow I see the Dietition but I don't think she can help me much with the picking. I did real good against this when I was seeing the Hypnosis Guy. I wish I could afford to see him again but my money is so short and has to go so many ways. I tried listening to a CD last week but I think I need his voice to make it work. I have to make time for myself. I am under a lot of stress from various directions and food was always my "fall back upon".
Why can't I just see food as others do, as a fuel to keep my body going so I can do interesting things and stay healthy. Why O Why
Ice cream I can make from a Slimfast shake so that is not my problem any more. Chocolates, if they are in the house hidden from me, are also not a problem. Most pastry I have a much better chance than before of not eating.I've been doing my best to stay way from it. Christmas with the extra calorie-laden goodies is past and there were no parties or booze for me there.
Here it is at 11:30pm and most people will say, "Linda it is late. Save yourself some calories and go to bed." It's making myself go to bed that I have a problem with. Like making myself do chores, making myself take a shower, making myself get out of bed in the first place. I know that doesn't make any sense.
Tomorrow I see the Dietition but I don't think she can help me much with the picking. I did real good against this when I was seeing the Hypnosis Guy. I wish I could afford to see him again but my money is so short and has to go so many ways. I tried listening to a CD last week but I think I need his voice to make it work. I have to make time for myself. I am under a lot of stress from various directions and food was always my "fall back upon".
Why can't I just see food as others do, as a fuel to keep my body going so I can do interesting things and stay healthy. Why O Why
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)