Momma's soup and New Years

I made a pot of Momma's soup today and it is all gone. This is notable because I actually got the urge to get up and take a rotisserie chicken carcass and add things to it in a pot. I never get the urge to cook anything.

And secondly, because I am the only one (excuse me Aloma!) who inherited Momma's ability to make soup out of anything and have it turn out nice somehow. My sister Aloma makes fabulous pastry and bread items, so she shouldn't begrudge me this one thing, hehehe

My mother is 87 and grew up in hard times in Bermuda and she wasted nothing. Anything left over in the week went up into the freezer and at the end, usually a Saturday, she would make a pot of soup out of it. She still makes soup now, tho with only herself to cook for, she has to plan for the ingredients.

Momma will call me at 11:45 tonight and see the New Year in with me. We will watch Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper and see the ball in Times Square descend and watch the people celebrate. We have had this little ritual every year for many, many years. I will be happy to tell her I made some of her soup today and that will make her pleased. We will talk about who is still here and who has passed, and chit-chat about other people's business in St George's and the rest of the island.

We will speak about 1/2 hour and we will hang up, glad to see another New Year in on the phone if not in person. Momma calls today Old Year's Day, well that kinda wraps 2010 up and prepares us for a New Year, the unwritten page.

Every year that Momma calls, I have tears in my eyes that she has made it through another year and we can celebrate. I am very blessed that I still have my mother at 55 years of age.

I try not to think of one year when she wouldn't be able to call me and what will I do and how I will cope. Then I push that awful thought away and remind myself that I still have her and how pleased she will be that I made her soup today and didn't waste anything, it was all leftovers with a few additions

Momma I had no barley to put in the soup like you do, and while I had potatoes and an onion, I had no carrots. But that's the way you do it...take what you have and make do

Happy New Year Momma

I had my lapband "fill" today

In order to explain what a "fill" is, we have to refer to this diagram again (which I posted before). The part I am referring to is the Port, the lower white round thing that is located on the top part of my belly. All along since I had the surgery the gastric band has been loose, I guess to get me used to it and finish healing. All I know is, the first week or two my stomach was happy with just the shakes I was allowed. By the time I got to eating again, it seemed my stomach could hold more and more.

So today the Weight Loss Doctor put an end to my foolishness and injected saline solution into the band to make it tighter against my stomach. This is what happened, for those of you who are interested:
He had me lay on the examination table with my legs hanging over the edge at the knees. Then he felt around my upper belly until he located the port. Then came a small sting as the needle went through the skin and then it hit a hard rubbery thing which he injected the saline solution in. It wasn't much, maybe 1cc, I forgot to ask.

My daughter went in with me and she said it looked very weird when he pulled the needle out and my skin sort of pulled up as the needle came through the plastic port. I just felt a slight tugging, there was no pain.

Then he put a bandaid on and told me to drink liquids until Sunday which didn't bother me. I go back at the end of January.

I am saving the best part for last. Somehow, after all my picking and eating cookie dough, chocolates and cookies, I lost 5lbs. I don't look a gift horse in the mouth. I took it and ran. Now it's almost time for another shake. This time it's Slim-fast ($8, much better than $25 like the other powder)

I must feel good today because DH brought rotisserie chicken for supper, made mashed potatoes and stuffing, peas and gravy and I didn't care.. He didn't do it on purpose, he had no idea what my circumstances would be after I had my appointment

My head is a jumbled mess

Just can't seem to get organised enough to do anything it seems. There  are tons of online sales for women's clothes, some 80% off. I just looked through my favourite larger sized catalogue, "Woman Within" and saw a T-shirt type of top which I could wear to work. Buy one get 1/2 off. I just saw them. Even I with nothing could afford those few bucks for something to wear for work.

Just didn't have the wherewithal to haul out my card and fill in the order form.

I tell myself I can get some at Wal-Mart but I know I won't. I don't like going up there and nothing fits me anyway. I did make a Monday appointment for the Eye Doctor because something has to be done about my sight. The problem seems to be mostly in my right eye which is the weaker one. Well I'll put that aside until Monday. One worry at a time.

I see the Weight Loss Surgeon tomorrow in the morning and I don't think he will be too pleased with me. Christmas and worry and stress and "head appetite" have taken their toll. "Head appetite" is the urge to eat that you get when you are not hungry. You just want to eat and if there are any goodies nearby, will power goes out the window. "Stomach appetite" explains itself. You are hungry, then it is time to eat something, something sensible that is on your eating plan.

I have to fight this beast by myself. The lap-band can only help, not cure my obesity. I have to put forth the effort and right now it looks so impossible. Summer is a long way away.

This will make you laugh. I got a fake bang from Avon at a reduced price and it is sitting there on a stuffed turtle like a long-haired guinea pig. I want bangs but don't want to cut them. Every time I do, I end up growing them out again. The problem is, my hair is a mess. My roots are about 4 inches long. I have a box of dye around here somewhere. I got two boxes for the price of one some months back. Everything seems such a jumble. I want to do things, then I get lost in the translation.

I feel like I need some kind person to take me by the hand and sort everything out for me so I can find my way. The weight loss is all jumbled up with the rest. This is not a good blog entry but it stands anyway

Double vision in my eyes

I have to call the eye doctor and make an appointment for my eyes to be checked. What was basically a small nuisance (I put it down to too much time spent here!) is now really bothering me, and television is getting to be the same way. I spend a lot less time here, thinking it was eye strain, but it seems to make no difference. In the morning everything seems ok (well, not as bad, then as the day progresses it seems to get worse. I hope there is nothing serious wrong with my eyes because I have had this dread all my life of losing my vision.

I am seeing this now through my eyelashes. I know that sounds strange but I can make the letters out better this way.  Tomorrow I call. Worry about the money later. I have to see so many people and everyone needs a co-pay. Medicare only wants you to see the eye doctor every 2 years and I am used to going every year because of the tests.

I have had high eye pressures for years, so I have to do all those expensive tests when I go in. I am really afraid because my sister came down with glaucoma a couple of years ago, and now I understand my mother has drops to take as well.

I dread having to get new glasses because the Rx's are expensive and I am spoiled and like all the extra stuff like anti-glare and the lens-darkening and the very newest lenses. The last pair I got were $500 just for the lenses and I don't have that kind of money now.

Oh well I will just call tomorrow and let it go from there. I have been with my eye doctors now for well over 20 years and I trust them with my sight and they know how afraid I am of going blind

Feel down and out

The sun is out, and the roads are clear so why am I not happy? I wanted the sunshine so I have it. It may be freezing cold but still the sun is out and the sky is showing some blue even.

The snow makes me eat. It's always been that way. It's like I (as well as everybody else) has this built-in urge to get food and plenty of goodies when a storm is approaching. Here in RI it is a state joke that since the Blizzard of '78 people run out for bread and milk when they see the first snowflake fall.

I didn't buy anything special yesterday in fact I just drove by every store with a death grip on my steering wheel, trying to get home in one piece as the snow fell harder and harder. But I managed to find things to eat during the night. There were 3 cartons of ice cream up in the freezer, so I made myself a small cone with the fudge ripple. You can see I hadn't eaten any ice cream for a long time with all that ice cream as well as ice cream sandwiches still up there.

I still have no concentration and can't even settle long enough here to play my games with any enthusiasm. I know I get this way (Seasonal Affective Disorder) every year but even with the extra Abilify it managed to come back to haunt me. So I am working against biology folks, just have to wait it out and try not to get any more down than I am.

On a better note, I see the Weight Loss Surgeon on Wednesday and hopefully he will fill the lap band a little so I can get back on track. I do eat less at one sitting but little bits here and there are the calories that add up. I wish I could feel more enthusiasm for life. I try hard not to burden others with my misery but I imagine here in my own blog I can sit on the pity-pot for a while

Oh yeah  and the sun went back in. Figures

I feel like Charlie Brown this year... They keep taking my football away

This is Christmas Eve and I should be happy and not depressed. The kind of depression I have just now is undefined, can't really put my finger on it. All I know is, my usual way of coping with this depression is not there for me even though it is Christmas. There are no pies, or cake, or special cookies and candies for me to nibble on.

I know this sounds very childish and as it is I am embarrassed to be admitting I am depressed and don't have any goodies to make it all go away. Waaah  Waaah.

There is nothing on TV but Christmas stuff and the news is very light-weight and repeats itself. My games are boring. In fact, I have felt this way for  a couple of weeks now. I just go through the motions. When it's not fun any more it's work but I care enough to want to keep up and my friends play. Maybe they feel the same way. I don't know.

Maybe I might feel better if I cleaned up the kitchen some, it is such a mess right now. Everybody just fills up the sink and things need putting away. This house is too small for 5 people, just a little more room would mean so much to me. Or an attic or basement just to get rid of the clutter in.

I will be out of this house tomorrow and Sunday because it is the weekend and I am working. I will wear my bright red shirt over navy work pants, and I have attached a corsage like they wore on coats back in the day. My mother had many pretty ones.
 This is just a plastic flower pick like you would use for Christmas decorations and I have 1/2 dozen safety pins holding it on. Maybe the old folks will get a kick out of it. I can try anyway.

There is one thing I do whenever I go to work, in any of the jobs I have ever had. I leave my problems on the doorstep before I walk in and put on my "people" face. I am so successful at this over the years that everyone thinks I am a happy person, live a charmed life. I have been told this to my face.

Unfortunately the problems are right there on the doorstep waiting for me when I leave to go home. And they will be tomorrow, even though it is Christmas and I should be happy

I don't feel like writing..but maybe it might help

My stomach doesn't feel so good and I know why, Today I went to Building 19 (cut rate store) to look for family gifts. I like it in there but I only go around Christmas time when I have a little money and have to make it stretch.

I got some things that I thought were nice for what I could pay and ended up in the section where all the foods were, many of them from overseas that I would love to try. I ended up throwing  a package of chocolate mint meringues in my cart. I thought, 4 of them were 120 calories, and they had no fat. I ignored the sugar part.

Long story short over the course of the day every single blessed meringue was gone. I ate the last one about an hour ago and I am feeling sorry for myself that I was so greedy. I read in a forum that there is such things as "stomach hunger" and "head hunger". I am supposed to eat my meals measured out and stay away from all the no-no's that my head was telling me I that wanted to eat.

So far what has gotten me in trouble is two tubs of cookie dough, these meringues, and when Gene makes corn bread and pinto beans Southern style I don't know when to quit.

I am also ashamed because I stepped on the scale a couple of days ago and I had lost 2lbs...I was down to 263.5. Well now I bet I gained those back today. One blessing is that I only work weekends and so have missed all the goodies in the nursing home. The girls and the families bring in so many home-made treats and they are so hard to turn down. I have Christmas day, Boxing Day then I am back on the straight and narrow.

 I see the Weight Loss Surgeon next Wednesday and I hope he makes this stomach smaller so that I will feel bad when I eat to much because I've been getting away with so much murder I am wondering if he really put a band in there  :-/

Feelings

I drew this a couple of days ago and called it "Feelings". Have you ever had a fleeting thought and a feeling, negative or positive, occur with it? There are no words for the feelings. It could be just the way the sunlight is falling on a particular object, or just the intensity of the light itself. Some fleeting feelings are upsetting as they pass by. Some leave you feeling "happy in your own skin". Some feelings are happy, sad, or just like a leaden grey winter sky like today.

But I never had a way of expressing those feelings. There are no words for some of them. I was driving home from work a couple of days ago and it suddenly occurred to me to use colours for description. This makes sense. Use colours when there are no words to describe how you feel, or for those fleeting feelings that are like shadows running past.

For example, at work, someone had put pictures of cats and kittens from a calender around a small sink with  paper towels hanging on a wall. On the paper holder there is a ginger and white car with his paw extended out, like he wanted to shake hands with me. My thoughts when I see this picture are : Is this kitty alive or dead? Does he have a good home, is he being treated right? Then I get depressed for a minute until I wash that sink and move away, and those feelings submerge and something else comes up.

I can explain that feeling, But the flitting ones that leave you feeling this way or that have no words to describe them...unless you use colours and this is what I did. Now none of this may make sense to anybody but myself. But I had to set it down for my own benefit because it's something that has been occurring to me for a long time. Feelings that have no words to describe them. Use a colour

Lack of concentration around this time of year

It seems as though my mind has taken a vacation somewhere. I can't really concentrate. I love to play my games on Facebook but they have lost interest for me now. I mean, the point of playing is lost on me. I check in but the enthusiasm just isn't there the way it was a couple of weeks ago.

I didn't pay much attention to this until it dawned on me that television shows, even my favourite Britcoms, were not holding my attention as they usually do. Because I've seen them over and over these shows are like old friends to me but again the anticipation of a happy evening spent watching just wasn't there on Tuesday night.

Then there are books. I haven't read much at all since getting this computer, since I can find everything I want online. But now and then I take up a book from my over-crowded book shelves and sit down to read. I read the  same lines over and over and then give up.

Now I know for sure my concentration is failing me. Crossword puzzles (the easiest ones!) occupy my mind when my concentration is low, but now I am busted down to Word Search and this afternoon it took quite a while for me to find all the easy words on an easy page!!!

I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder every year around this time but this year, maybe because I am taking the Abilify, I haven't hit the bottom of the depression barrel as much as I have in past years (though the season is yet young!) But maybe the lack of concentration, one of the symptoms, has come by to pay me a call anyway.

People might say, Linda, if you can't concentrate, how are you writing this? Each time I sit down to write, I try to set my feelings down, and the rest writes itself, no effort needed. If I had to  write something involving facts and figures, well I couldn't manage that at all because that requires a lot of concentration!

This post has nothing to do with weight loss, except that in my normal SAD years I crave nothing but carbs especially the sweet, calorie-laden ones. Let's put it this way: I haven't eaten any sugar sandwiches yet and they are not calling my name. To make a decent sugar sandwich, you must have two slices of white bread, butter them on the thick side and sprinkle plenty of sugar on both sides, put them together and eat one, then get another one for good measure. 20lbs. gained in no time.

This year things should be different. Maybe I might not lose as much or as quickly these winter months but soon as the spring sun begins to shine I will more than make up for the time. I want smaller shorts for summer and a one piece bathing suit to wear on the beach

Another day, another try

I just had two cups of coffee and then one peanut butter toast. Every day I try to have the best diet day I am able. I always start right, and end up wishing I never ate some of the things I ate during that day. Today I am ashamed to say, I really have to get a shower and wash my hair. I am ashamed to even have to say such a thing, it used to be an automatic given that I get up, shower and face the day. Now it is a conscious effort, a thing to be dreaded and put off as long as possible.

Of course I will shower and wash my hair. But I want everybody to understand that when you are depressed, every move you make out of your own way is a conscious, deliberate hike up a large mountain, in a day of successive  mountains. I don't want to be this way. I didn't ask to be this way. I want to be like everybody else and make a positive difference in the world. I can't emphasise enough the effort it takes to do ordinary things.

Which brings me back to my shower and hair wash. It is my choice to have waist-length hair and I am so used to handling it, I shouldn't even have to mention it as a chore but I am today.

I will ride my bike. I do this everyday for 20 minutes. It sits in the living room in front of the TV, I just have to walk 3 steps from here, get on it and pedal.

I should be taking my clothes to the laundromat but I am putting that off until tomorrow. Then there's the weekend to work. While I dread having to leave the house and dread the pain in my ankles and legs, at least I feel a little useful and need those few pennies so bad.

I must do better today. I must give myself proper portions of food, and I mustn't let myself go downhill and pick at everything I see. Let me see if I can get through this day and at the end of it give myself some credit for having made a decent try, at least

Dishes and depression

I have a stack of dishes so high that everything I own is in the sink. I can see them from where I am sitting now. I need to get up and do them but depression has me by the butt and is holding me in this chair. When I saw my medication nurse last week she asked me how the lap-band was doing. I said "fine, I don't even know it is there. But to tell the truth, you can fix my stomach all you like, but my mind is still broken and it can't be fixed".

For those who don't know, I have Bipolar disorder which is a chemical imbalance in the brain. I take a lot of medication to control it but sometimes I feel mighty low. They added Abilify to my mix of Lamictal, Prozac and Wellbutrin and Xanax for my anxiety attacks but it is still an uphill battle. Depressed people can't "pull themselves up by their bootstraps" or "get a move on", and being told there are many people much worse off than  we are just adds guilt to the depression.

Amanda bought cookie dough from my grandson's school fund-raising and two big tubs are sitting in the fridge. M&M's and Snickerdoodle. I have a great weakness for raw cookie dough and I have had a couple of tablespoons of each. I am gonna get yelled at. I can't take any more and I feel kinda sick for eating what I did. So why did I eat it? It wasn't cookies, it was just plain ole dough.

This post is not for encouraging anyone to feel better about themselves, or turn them away from getting a lap-band placed around their stomach. This is about being depressed, unable to communicate this to anybody but this blog, and at least getting those dishes done. There's nothing any more that can be done for me. I am on medication for mental illness for the rest of my life and I have to live around it. I accept that. But some days are worse to live around than others, and it has been this way for the past few days.

Linda get a move on, and pull yourself by your boot-straps. Don't you know there are many people much worse off than you????

I needed to read this article about feeling full with the lap-band today

I have been having problems with picking between meals, and eating things that contain more calories than I should be eating. I had told my doctor that I don't feel like anything was done to my stomach...I haven't thrown up, or overstuffed myself, or anything like that. I see him in the New Year and I believe he will fill the band a little.

This link is from Obesity Help, submitted by a patient whose doctor had written the article and it was the very thing I needed to read today. I thought I'd add it here, for those who don't mind a long read in order to understand what is to be expected from the lap-band device: what it does, and what it doesn't do, and how you should work with it to be successful:

http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/lapband/4270806/A-great-article-re-restriction-and-how-the-band-works/

Midddle-aged woman VS Walmart

I just got back from Walmart with my three prescriptions in my hand. This is no easy task these days, as my daughter found out when she tried to get them for me yesterday. They had her going around in so many circles that she said she was done and left and I couldn't blame her in the least.

 I knew I had to go up there today because I had no medication left, and sort it out myself. Let's just say I hate going to Walmart or any other business in that vacinity because the traffic is horrendous and I've almost been run over a time or two up there. Also the hugeness of the store gives me anxiety attacks if I am alone.

So I put on my best middle-aged, slightly confused face and went to The Pharmacy To Get My Medication.

I told the young girl at the counter where you hand in the new Rx's what my problem was, and what happened to my daughter yesterday. She shook her head and did a few things with her computer behind the desk, and said I had 3 Rx's waiting for me. My middle-aged, slightly confused face serves me very well when dealing with Those Who Are In Authority, as well as Those Who Think They Are In Authority.

Everybody likes to feel they are better off in any way than you are if you are the one coming for advice, a favour, or in my case, to have my pill problem taken care of. Government loves the slightly-confused person and will go out of their way (as much as a Government person can go out of their way) to help you along.

People might laugh at me and my daughter thinks I am nuts. Her idea is Ma go get what you want, they are no better than you are and their job is to serve you, not the other way around.

But I still say you catch more flies with honey and it doesn't matter to me at all what  way I use to get what I want, or need, as long as I accomplish my purpose. The middle-aged, slightly confused persona has got me through many problems and with a lot less aggravation.

This has nothing to do with weight-loss, but I thought I would include it anyway, as one of my "survival tactics"

Terrible weekend food-wise

Right now I am eating a piece of fruitcake. Yes you read correctly. Gene just can in bringing a small slab of Hostess fruitcake. When I read the calories, 1/4 of the cake was 420 calories. Why do I keep shooting myself in the foot like this. No matter what anybody brings in this house, I need to be able to stare it in the eye and say "no".

The only redeeming thing is that I just rode my recumbent bike for 20 minutes but that was only 120 calories. I figure I have at least 200 calories here.

Let me see. I got an operation to reduce the size of my stomach and I should be going slowly down in weight if I stick to what they say. I have grown cocky over the past week or two. Nothing has happened when I eat a no-no. No pain in the stomach, no indigestion, no throwing up. So I have grown bolder and bolder and I am defeating the purpose of the whole thing.

Mind you the band around my stomach is slack and won't be filled until the New Year. Maybe this is why I can eat when I shouldn't.  Maybe the doctor wants me to have a nice Christmas (read eating what I want)  before a full stop is put to all this extra food I am eating. All I know is, by the time I see the dietition I better be under 265lbs. Tomorrow there is a support meeting for banders/bypass patients at 6 and I need to be there. Maybe something will get said that will knock some sense into my head.

I said I would write all here, the good and the bad, the successes and the failures, the highs and lows that I  go through. I never said I was perfect and I went into this with my eyes completely open. Should I get a few extra dollars I will get some powdered Slimfast and do the two shakes/one meal thing and try to balance the calories out.

I have this terrible habit of up-ending the chocolate syrup bottle (they make chocolate shakes around here) and just squirting some into my mouth. Well I read the calories...2tbs = 100 calories. And I KNOW that mouthful was much larger than 2 tbs so that is out as of last night. I do the same thing whenever there is a can of whipped cream in the fridge (and I know I am not alone!!!)

I will eat a diet meal tonight. I need my portions laid out for me. If I help myself I am far too generous and end up with much more than I should have on my plate   : /

It is what it is

Today I went to my medical nurse (I have biolar disorder as well as a few other health issues that I take pills for) and basically told her here I was with my lap-band in place, just like I wanted, but today I feel very down about issues around the house. Without getting into the details, let it suffice that because of the economy, I have 5 people living in one small house, with attendant belongings. One is out of work but doing the best that they can. Two face being laid off but can collect. And then there's me, working the weekends, I am disabled and need the few cents for medication and other needs.

Money is a great factor and in this I am not alone. There are some doing better than my situation, and some doing far worse.I want to live somewhere warm. This house is composed of two Qounset huts put together, hardly any insulation and it is freezing in here. The furnace can stay on 70 degrees all day and night and it would still be cold. I think this is what is bothering me the most. That there is no money to do any better, and isn't the American dream to do better? The American dream is DEAD. There's no climbing up, only falling down the ladder of success for all the people I know.

IT IS WHAT IT IS. Remember the Serenity Prayer, "God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom  to know the difference", something like that. Well I say, IT IS AS IT IS. You must put up with the things you cannot change. If you have tried in every way you know, it's time to accept that and try to improve your life in other ways.

I have done all I can to enable me to improve my health. I have undergone an operation to help me to reduce my weight, and sometimes are better than others when it comes to eating a little more than I should. I am an emotional eater and that is my fight to struggle with.

At present the band around my stomach is loose. There is nothing much stopping the food from going down and that means whatever I throw down there. I am doing pretty good sticking to not drinking 1.2 hour before, during and after meals. But it is so  easy to eat more than they say because I  have no symptoms. I told the doctor I don't even feel the device inside my stomach area.

Meanwhile now I am cold and drinking tea. There is a great pile of dishes to be done, maybe I might feel better when they are washed and put away. The rest of the house, well I can't do much with. I can tidy the stuff but there is no room for a proper place to store it.

Maybe I ought to sit on the pity pot a little longer then get up and carry on. It is what it is

Food troubles

I am disgusted with myself. I vowed today that I would not pick at food I should not eat today after being such a picker yesterday. I did fine up to about 3pm when I saw that stupid left-over, dried out candy that Max didn't use for his gingerbread house in school. Why O why didn't I throw this out yesterday. The candy was awful so why did I eat it?

Of course after that the horse was out of the barn and I would say I ate 1/2 stack of Ritz crackers over the past few hours. I also ate the end of the can of lentil soup I opened for lunch. I have to get a hold on here. I have a device around my stomach that is a "tool" to help me lose weight. But it's just like the wall, a nail and a hammer. If I use the hammer the right way I can bang the nail in the wall and hang a picture up. If I don't make the effort to use the hammer nothing will get done.

That's easy to say. I wish I could tell you that it is all calm sailing but do you know, the same fights I faced with food before the operation are the same ones I am facing now.

I did very well with the protein shakes because all choice is taken out of my hands, I am told to drink this and eat that, all done, weight gets lost. Breakfast is fine. I have coffee, and Cream of Wheat for breakfast. I can also have toast. Nothing stopping me from having egg and toast for breakfast either.

Lunch is problematic in that a strict measure has to be followed. 1 cup of food, no more, with protein as the most important part. Yesterday I had tuna fish mixed with diet Italian salad dressing (instead of mayo) with 6 saltine crackers. That was ok.

On the shakes before the operation I found it very helpful to eat a diet meal that was all measured out, rather than supper food which was neither here nor there for portions. After that, wait an hour, and have some tea or diet drink and later make " ice cream" out of my last shake of the day. (Ice Cream..make shake and freeze, stirring every now and then, takes about a couple of hours.)

OK I have thought this through and tomorrow I will try yet again. I will get a diet meal for supper. That is portioned and calorie controlled and should get me past supper.

I have to learn the portions because when I get my first "fill" after Christmas the band will constrict and cause the stomach opening to be smaller. Then I will be FORCED to eat very little. Wish me luck as  I again try tomorrow to get this done right and keep the scale needle moving downward instead of the other way around

Went to see the Dietition today

One of the things you must do after surgery, besides go to to doctor when they set you an appointment, is to see a dietition. This is usually the person who helped you with your diet before the surgery is done, and so I turned up today. She hadn't seen me in a couple of months and seemed surprised that I had gone through the surgery and was 3 weeks out already. On her scale I weighed 265 lbs.

I would say, the 20 lbs I have lost so far is in my face and neck, and I have lost some of my upper chest. Belly, hips and my broad backside will be the last to go. I know this by experience, having suffered through many diets before.

After I faced Mr Scale with the dietition, I sat down at her desk and played with her fake rubbery food. All kinds of meat, veg, fruit and starch were represented. These were to teach what a portion is but they are so realistic they look ready-to-eat.

By and large she was satisfied with my progress. She said I was not supposed to lose much weight in the first 6 weeks, as they wanted me to get used to everything. My lap-band appears to be unfilled and this is why I am having hardly any problems with it. It's there but I have had no problems chewing and swallowing meat and she even said that I could have toast!!! Bread!!! I've been craving bread but will have to watch the portions.

One thing I have noticed is that my belly is sagging lower than it was, and it's all black-and-blue from the heperan shots they gave me in the hospital. I am hoping, a long way down the road, that I might qualify for the operation to remove this "apron" of skin. Otherwise I will have to pay for it myself and it will just have to be rolled up in a nice stout girdle and I will have to live with it.

My arms and legs are not bad, it's just the barrel of fat around my torso that is causing all the problems.

Even though I am not one for group sessions of anything, I will do my best to attend a support group for lap-band/gastric bypass patients on December 14, from 6-7pm. Maybe they might have some good tips and recipes that I can copy. Especially diet versions of the sweet things I am beginning to miss

Don't feel like writing but here I am anyway

I don't know why I am writing, I really don't have anything to say that is helpful. Anybody who figured I would write a blog full of success and sunlight will soon find out that this is not that kind of account. As I am writing this I am eating a small piece of brownie (and when I go to the dietition I will "fess up" ) These guys around here made a beautiful pan of nice chocolatey brownies and left them around for me to see.

Of course none of this was done to lure me away from my meal plan but eventually water wears down stone and I broke off a little fragment here and there. Well it is gone and I hope nobody else brings in any more to stare at me.

I know what I am doing. I know this is what got me into trouble in the first place.

I lose weight best when I am on protein shakes. The less different types of food I have in my diet the better I do. Well I guess I was doing well so the Doctor told me to eat and I think I am running into a little bit of trouble.

Today for supper I had some butter beans, a small piece of roast and a small amount of mashed potatoes and gravy. I think it was more than a cupful that I ate. I am glad I am going to the dietition tomorrow so she can sort me out before I fall into deep trouble. The lap-band around my stomach isn't full, and it won't be tightened until after Christmas so while it is a deterrent the food can still get by pretty easily. I do what I am told about not drinking before, during and an hour after eating. I understand the reason for that.

Another thing is, I am craving salt. I can eat pickles (not the skin) and they taste so good. Also I grab a chip when anybody has some salt and vinegar ones and just suck the salt off and let the chip disintegrate on my tongue. Otherwise than the run-in with the brownie business I have kept away from all the sweets.

Now I have confessed and maybe writing about it and owning up to my great failings will help in the long run. I hope so

My life as an onion

I see my life as represented by the onion, a vegetable which starts small and grows many layers. The larger the onion, the more layers there are. As a morbidly obese person, I started off somewhere being The Ideal Weight. In my case I was a young adult weighing 130lbs.

As I carried on with life, it's ups and downs, successes and failures, happiness and sadness as for everybody else in the world, I grew layers around myself against having to "feel" any kind of unpleasantness (and again, everybody in the world has unpleasantness, it's just everybody handles it in a different way.)

In my case I turned to food but I wasn't aware of doing this when I began to get further and further  away from my ideal weight. Cheap empty calories were easy to get when I went through one of my many "poor" phases of my life. Macaroni and cheese, bread, day-old donuts, cookies etc were easy to come by. And then I had Amanda and gained over 70lbs but that wasn't her fault. Many women have children and get themselves right back on track but I didn't.

That's just a couple of examples and I am sure you can fill in your own blanks if you are overweight. But as my life went on, I stuffed down more and more feelings and begin to use food as a tool to get by. Sweet junk worked the best. As I kept gaining people began to say I let myself go, and I began to hide food (which I would buy on my way home from work and eat in secret when nobody else was around). Then started all the diets, both self-imposed and organised, such as Weight Watchers. But because I had unresolved issues the weight always came back "and brought friends".

At very close to 300lbs I was able to have this lap-band surgery done, and now I am down 20lbs. I have been down about 40lbs. with hypnosis but got no further. Sometimes I wonder if there are layers of fat (onion layers) that represent unpleasant things that have to be dealt with before I can pass that particular weight barrier.

The only person who can take this weight off is me. I have tools to help me to do it but it's my final effort that can help me succeed, or make me fail yet again. As I told the doctor, this is the end of the road. This surgery has to work or I'm done for.

But like the onion with it's many layers, I wonder what I will have to face as I start to peel the weight off. I might have to go back into counselling again as I did a couple of years ago to deal with whatever it is I "stuffed" inside me with the many Little Debbies I got my hands on

My routine Doctor visit

I haven't felt much like writing but my sister Aloma is shouting at me so I guess I better get to it...the picture is what a stomach looks like once the lap band is put in place. This band can be filled with saline (or saline can be taken out) through the port (right hand side of the diagram.) The Doctor told me my port was located on the upper part of my stomach, in the middle.

A person having any kind of weight loss surgery has to understand that it is a life-long commitment and that means going to the doctor faithfully when appointments are made, and following advice on using "the tool".
This is what they call the lap-band apparatus. It can't make you lose weight all by itself, it has to be used by you for help but you have to make the effort yourself to eat right.

Also the Dietition will help me along with the new way of eating. I see her this Monday and listen to what she has to say. She has a set of scales that I have to face also. Me and Mr Scale sometimes don't get along and I am always afraid he will tell tales on me. Worst of all I am afraid if when I follow my eating plan faithfully and the needle doesn't go down. Then I know I will be told about My Portions of Food.

The doctor told me it is easy to "eat around" the band by just grazing all day long on forbidden foods. I told him, this is the end of the road for me. If I can't make this work I have lost the fight for good. I was good and never ate anything I wasn't supposed to (my beloved sweet things) but I was surprised to find out Bread, especially nice, crusty grinder rolls, and Italian bread were calling my name and I had to stop-up my ears!

Here are some "nevers"...never drink milk (unless for cereals and things like that), fruit juices, gaterade and soda (even diet). Always nothing to eat 1/2 hour before or an hour after a meal, and never drink anything while you are eating. This is to keep the food in the little stomach as long as possible, and drinking anything will wash the food right down and I wouldn't feel full.

All in all he seemed very pleased with me and told me to come back in a month. There is a lap-band support group that meets once a week where I see my dietition. I think I will go this week, 6-8pm even though I hate to drive at night. Maybe they may have some tips and recipes I can use

Introducing "the tools of the trade"

I thought I would show you my "tools that help me to eat". On the left is my small food processor. Anything put in here comes out like baby food if I hold the button down long enough. This is what I used for eating Thanksgiving turkey last Friday along with gravy, sweet potato casserole and a teensy bit of cranberry sauce. Yesterday I had a can of cream of mushroom soup so I emptied the condensed canfull into the blender, pureed, then put it into a pan with the water like usual.

(I have a Slap Chop as well, but won't be using that for a while because it just chops things).

On the right there's my shake-blender and it is God-sent for making nice fluffy protein shakes and it has had good use for the past month or so. Instead of  having 3 shakes a day I now have two, with the added food giving me the protein I have to have.

Today I did a no-no, and yesterday I did also but nothing happened so I guess it was alright. We have a beautiful veggie plate with broccoli, carrots and celery and the sweetest grape tomatoes I ever tried. I didn't eat the skins, I spit those out, just swallowing the juice and it tasted so good after not having any veg. for a couple of weeks :)

Tomorrow I go see the Doctor. I have a few stitches to come out and I want to see what else he does and ask him about my hiatal hernia that they found. Also tomorrow's breakfast will be Cream of Wheat and I am sooo looking forward to a hot breakfast after cold shakes and yoghurt. I will add my vitamin powder, Bene-fibre and an Equal as well as some skim milk.

My appointment is at 11:30am, and I am glad my daughter is driving me up there. I hate driving at all, much less going out of town because I tend to get lost and end up scared to death in Providence.