Another day, another try

I just had two cups of coffee and then one peanut butter toast. Every day I try to have the best diet day I am able. I always start right, and end up wishing I never ate some of the things I ate during that day. Today I am ashamed to say, I really have to get a shower and wash my hair. I am ashamed to even have to say such a thing, it used to be an automatic given that I get up, shower and face the day. Now it is a conscious effort, a thing to be dreaded and put off as long as possible.

Of course I will shower and wash my hair. But I want everybody to understand that when you are depressed, every move you make out of your own way is a conscious, deliberate hike up a large mountain, in a day of successive  mountains. I don't want to be this way. I didn't ask to be this way. I want to be like everybody else and make a positive difference in the world. I can't emphasise enough the effort it takes to do ordinary things.

Which brings me back to my shower and hair wash. It is my choice to have waist-length hair and I am so used to handling it, I shouldn't even have to mention it as a chore but I am today.

I will ride my bike. I do this everyday for 20 minutes. It sits in the living room in front of the TV, I just have to walk 3 steps from here, get on it and pedal.

I should be taking my clothes to the laundromat but I am putting that off until tomorrow. Then there's the weekend to work. While I dread having to leave the house and dread the pain in my ankles and legs, at least I feel a little useful and need those few pennies so bad.

I must do better today. I must give myself proper portions of food, and I mustn't let myself go downhill and pick at everything I see. Let me see if I can get through this day and at the end of it give myself some credit for having made a decent try, at least