Momma's soup and New Years

I made a pot of Momma's soup today and it is all gone. This is notable because I actually got the urge to get up and take a rotisserie chicken carcass and add things to it in a pot. I never get the urge to cook anything.

And secondly, because I am the only one (excuse me Aloma!) who inherited Momma's ability to make soup out of anything and have it turn out nice somehow. My sister Aloma makes fabulous pastry and bread items, so she shouldn't begrudge me this one thing, hehehe

My mother is 87 and grew up in hard times in Bermuda and she wasted nothing. Anything left over in the week went up into the freezer and at the end, usually a Saturday, she would make a pot of soup out of it. She still makes soup now, tho with only herself to cook for, she has to plan for the ingredients.

Momma will call me at 11:45 tonight and see the New Year in with me. We will watch Kathy Griffin and Anderson Cooper and see the ball in Times Square descend and watch the people celebrate. We have had this little ritual every year for many, many years. I will be happy to tell her I made some of her soup today and that will make her pleased. We will talk about who is still here and who has passed, and chit-chat about other people's business in St George's and the rest of the island.

We will speak about 1/2 hour and we will hang up, glad to see another New Year in on the phone if not in person. Momma calls today Old Year's Day, well that kinda wraps 2010 up and prepares us for a New Year, the unwritten page.

Every year that Momma calls, I have tears in my eyes that she has made it through another year and we can celebrate. I am very blessed that I still have my mother at 55 years of age.

I try not to think of one year when she wouldn't be able to call me and what will I do and how I will cope. Then I push that awful thought away and remind myself that I still have her and how pleased she will be that I made her soup today and didn't waste anything, it was all leftovers with a few additions

Momma I had no barley to put in the soup like you do, and while I had potatoes and an onion, I had no carrots. But that's the way you do it...take what you have and make do

Happy New Year Momma

I had my lapband "fill" today

In order to explain what a "fill" is, we have to refer to this diagram again (which I posted before). The part I am referring to is the Port, the lower white round thing that is located on the top part of my belly. All along since I had the surgery the gastric band has been loose, I guess to get me used to it and finish healing. All I know is, the first week or two my stomach was happy with just the shakes I was allowed. By the time I got to eating again, it seemed my stomach could hold more and more.

So today the Weight Loss Doctor put an end to my foolishness and injected saline solution into the band to make it tighter against my stomach. This is what happened, for those of you who are interested:
He had me lay on the examination table with my legs hanging over the edge at the knees. Then he felt around my upper belly until he located the port. Then came a small sting as the needle went through the skin and then it hit a hard rubbery thing which he injected the saline solution in. It wasn't much, maybe 1cc, I forgot to ask.

My daughter went in with me and she said it looked very weird when he pulled the needle out and my skin sort of pulled up as the needle came through the plastic port. I just felt a slight tugging, there was no pain.

Then he put a bandaid on and told me to drink liquids until Sunday which didn't bother me. I go back at the end of January.

I am saving the best part for last. Somehow, after all my picking and eating cookie dough, chocolates and cookies, I lost 5lbs. I don't look a gift horse in the mouth. I took it and ran. Now it's almost time for another shake. This time it's Slim-fast ($8, much better than $25 like the other powder)

I must feel good today because DH brought rotisserie chicken for supper, made mashed potatoes and stuffing, peas and gravy and I didn't care.. He didn't do it on purpose, he had no idea what my circumstances would be after I had my appointment

My head is a jumbled mess

Just can't seem to get organised enough to do anything it seems. There  are tons of online sales for women's clothes, some 80% off. I just looked through my favourite larger sized catalogue, "Woman Within" and saw a T-shirt type of top which I could wear to work. Buy one get 1/2 off. I just saw them. Even I with nothing could afford those few bucks for something to wear for work.

Just didn't have the wherewithal to haul out my card and fill in the order form.

I tell myself I can get some at Wal-Mart but I know I won't. I don't like going up there and nothing fits me anyway. I did make a Monday appointment for the Eye Doctor because something has to be done about my sight. The problem seems to be mostly in my right eye which is the weaker one. Well I'll put that aside until Monday. One worry at a time.

I see the Weight Loss Surgeon tomorrow in the morning and I don't think he will be too pleased with me. Christmas and worry and stress and "head appetite" have taken their toll. "Head appetite" is the urge to eat that you get when you are not hungry. You just want to eat and if there are any goodies nearby, will power goes out the window. "Stomach appetite" explains itself. You are hungry, then it is time to eat something, something sensible that is on your eating plan.

I have to fight this beast by myself. The lap-band can only help, not cure my obesity. I have to put forth the effort and right now it looks so impossible. Summer is a long way away.

This will make you laugh. I got a fake bang from Avon at a reduced price and it is sitting there on a stuffed turtle like a long-haired guinea pig. I want bangs but don't want to cut them. Every time I do, I end up growing them out again. The problem is, my hair is a mess. My roots are about 4 inches long. I have a box of dye around here somewhere. I got two boxes for the price of one some months back. Everything seems such a jumble. I want to do things, then I get lost in the translation.

I feel like I need some kind person to take me by the hand and sort everything out for me so I can find my way. The weight loss is all jumbled up with the rest. This is not a good blog entry but it stands anyway

Double vision in my eyes

I have to call the eye doctor and make an appointment for my eyes to be checked. What was basically a small nuisance (I put it down to too much time spent here!) is now really bothering me, and television is getting to be the same way. I spend a lot less time here, thinking it was eye strain, but it seems to make no difference. In the morning everything seems ok (well, not as bad, then as the day progresses it seems to get worse. I hope there is nothing serious wrong with my eyes because I have had this dread all my life of losing my vision.

I am seeing this now through my eyelashes. I know that sounds strange but I can make the letters out better this way.  Tomorrow I call. Worry about the money later. I have to see so many people and everyone needs a co-pay. Medicare only wants you to see the eye doctor every 2 years and I am used to going every year because of the tests.

I have had high eye pressures for years, so I have to do all those expensive tests when I go in. I am really afraid because my sister came down with glaucoma a couple of years ago, and now I understand my mother has drops to take as well.

I dread having to get new glasses because the Rx's are expensive and I am spoiled and like all the extra stuff like anti-glare and the lens-darkening and the very newest lenses. The last pair I got were $500 just for the lenses and I don't have that kind of money now.

Oh well I will just call tomorrow and let it go from there. I have been with my eye doctors now for well over 20 years and I trust them with my sight and they know how afraid I am of going blind

Feel down and out

The sun is out, and the roads are clear so why am I not happy? I wanted the sunshine so I have it. It may be freezing cold but still the sun is out and the sky is showing some blue even.

The snow makes me eat. It's always been that way. It's like I (as well as everybody else) has this built-in urge to get food and plenty of goodies when a storm is approaching. Here in RI it is a state joke that since the Blizzard of '78 people run out for bread and milk when they see the first snowflake fall.

I didn't buy anything special yesterday in fact I just drove by every store with a death grip on my steering wheel, trying to get home in one piece as the snow fell harder and harder. But I managed to find things to eat during the night. There were 3 cartons of ice cream up in the freezer, so I made myself a small cone with the fudge ripple. You can see I hadn't eaten any ice cream for a long time with all that ice cream as well as ice cream sandwiches still up there.

I still have no concentration and can't even settle long enough here to play my games with any enthusiasm. I know I get this way (Seasonal Affective Disorder) every year but even with the extra Abilify it managed to come back to haunt me. So I am working against biology folks, just have to wait it out and try not to get any more down than I am.

On a better note, I see the Weight Loss Surgeon on Wednesday and hopefully he will fill the lap band a little so I can get back on track. I do eat less at one sitting but little bits here and there are the calories that add up. I wish I could feel more enthusiasm for life. I try hard not to burden others with my misery but I imagine here in my own blog I can sit on the pity-pot for a while

Oh yeah  and the sun went back in. Figures

I feel like Charlie Brown this year... They keep taking my football away

This is Christmas Eve and I should be happy and not depressed. The kind of depression I have just now is undefined, can't really put my finger on it. All I know is, my usual way of coping with this depression is not there for me even though it is Christmas. There are no pies, or cake, or special cookies and candies for me to nibble on.

I know this sounds very childish and as it is I am embarrassed to be admitting I am depressed and don't have any goodies to make it all go away. Waaah  Waaah.

There is nothing on TV but Christmas stuff and the news is very light-weight and repeats itself. My games are boring. In fact, I have felt this way for  a couple of weeks now. I just go through the motions. When it's not fun any more it's work but I care enough to want to keep up and my friends play. Maybe they feel the same way. I don't know.

Maybe I might feel better if I cleaned up the kitchen some, it is such a mess right now. Everybody just fills up the sink and things need putting away. This house is too small for 5 people, just a little more room would mean so much to me. Or an attic or basement just to get rid of the clutter in.

I will be out of this house tomorrow and Sunday because it is the weekend and I am working. I will wear my bright red shirt over navy work pants, and I have attached a corsage like they wore on coats back in the day. My mother had many pretty ones.
 This is just a plastic flower pick like you would use for Christmas decorations and I have 1/2 dozen safety pins holding it on. Maybe the old folks will get a kick out of it. I can try anyway.

There is one thing I do whenever I go to work, in any of the jobs I have ever had. I leave my problems on the doorstep before I walk in and put on my "people" face. I am so successful at this over the years that everyone thinks I am a happy person, live a charmed life. I have been told this to my face.

Unfortunately the problems are right there on the doorstep waiting for me when I leave to go home. And they will be tomorrow, even though it is Christmas and I should be happy

I don't feel like writing..but maybe it might help

My stomach doesn't feel so good and I know why, Today I went to Building 19 (cut rate store) to look for family gifts. I like it in there but I only go around Christmas time when I have a little money and have to make it stretch.

I got some things that I thought were nice for what I could pay and ended up in the section where all the foods were, many of them from overseas that I would love to try. I ended up throwing  a package of chocolate mint meringues in my cart. I thought, 4 of them were 120 calories, and they had no fat. I ignored the sugar part.

Long story short over the course of the day every single blessed meringue was gone. I ate the last one about an hour ago and I am feeling sorry for myself that I was so greedy. I read in a forum that there is such things as "stomach hunger" and "head hunger". I am supposed to eat my meals measured out and stay away from all the no-no's that my head was telling me I that wanted to eat.

So far what has gotten me in trouble is two tubs of cookie dough, these meringues, and when Gene makes corn bread and pinto beans Southern style I don't know when to quit.

I am also ashamed because I stepped on the scale a couple of days ago and I had lost 2lbs...I was down to 263.5. Well now I bet I gained those back today. One blessing is that I only work weekends and so have missed all the goodies in the nursing home. The girls and the families bring in so many home-made treats and they are so hard to turn down. I have Christmas day, Boxing Day then I am back on the straight and narrow.

 I see the Weight Loss Surgeon next Wednesday and I hope he makes this stomach smaller so that I will feel bad when I eat to much because I've been getting away with so much murder I am wondering if he really put a band in there  :-/

Feelings

I drew this a couple of days ago and called it "Feelings". Have you ever had a fleeting thought and a feeling, negative or positive, occur with it? There are no words for the feelings. It could be just the way the sunlight is falling on a particular object, or just the intensity of the light itself. Some fleeting feelings are upsetting as they pass by. Some leave you feeling "happy in your own skin". Some feelings are happy, sad, or just like a leaden grey winter sky like today.

But I never had a way of expressing those feelings. There are no words for some of them. I was driving home from work a couple of days ago and it suddenly occurred to me to use colours for description. This makes sense. Use colours when there are no words to describe how you feel, or for those fleeting feelings that are like shadows running past.

For example, at work, someone had put pictures of cats and kittens from a calender around a small sink with  paper towels hanging on a wall. On the paper holder there is a ginger and white car with his paw extended out, like he wanted to shake hands with me. My thoughts when I see this picture are : Is this kitty alive or dead? Does he have a good home, is he being treated right? Then I get depressed for a minute until I wash that sink and move away, and those feelings submerge and something else comes up.

I can explain that feeling, But the flitting ones that leave you feeling this way or that have no words to describe them...unless you use colours and this is what I did. Now none of this may make sense to anybody but myself. But I had to set it down for my own benefit because it's something that has been occurring to me for a long time. Feelings that have no words to describe them. Use a colour

Lack of concentration around this time of year

It seems as though my mind has taken a vacation somewhere. I can't really concentrate. I love to play my games on Facebook but they have lost interest for me now. I mean, the point of playing is lost on me. I check in but the enthusiasm just isn't there the way it was a couple of weeks ago.

I didn't pay much attention to this until it dawned on me that television shows, even my favourite Britcoms, were not holding my attention as they usually do. Because I've seen them over and over these shows are like old friends to me but again the anticipation of a happy evening spent watching just wasn't there on Tuesday night.

Then there are books. I haven't read much at all since getting this computer, since I can find everything I want online. But now and then I take up a book from my over-crowded book shelves and sit down to read. I read the  same lines over and over and then give up.

Now I know for sure my concentration is failing me. Crossword puzzles (the easiest ones!) occupy my mind when my concentration is low, but now I am busted down to Word Search and this afternoon it took quite a while for me to find all the easy words on an easy page!!!

I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder every year around this time but this year, maybe because I am taking the Abilify, I haven't hit the bottom of the depression barrel as much as I have in past years (though the season is yet young!) But maybe the lack of concentration, one of the symptoms, has come by to pay me a call anyway.

People might say, Linda, if you can't concentrate, how are you writing this? Each time I sit down to write, I try to set my feelings down, and the rest writes itself, no effort needed. If I had to  write something involving facts and figures, well I couldn't manage that at all because that requires a lot of concentration!

This post has nothing to do with weight loss, except that in my normal SAD years I crave nothing but carbs especially the sweet, calorie-laden ones. Let's put it this way: I haven't eaten any sugar sandwiches yet and they are not calling my name. To make a decent sugar sandwich, you must have two slices of white bread, butter them on the thick side and sprinkle plenty of sugar on both sides, put them together and eat one, then get another one for good measure. 20lbs. gained in no time.

This year things should be different. Maybe I might not lose as much or as quickly these winter months but soon as the spring sun begins to shine I will more than make up for the time. I want smaller shorts for summer and a one piece bathing suit to wear on the beach

Another day, another try

I just had two cups of coffee and then one peanut butter toast. Every day I try to have the best diet day I am able. I always start right, and end up wishing I never ate some of the things I ate during that day. Today I am ashamed to say, I really have to get a shower and wash my hair. I am ashamed to even have to say such a thing, it used to be an automatic given that I get up, shower and face the day. Now it is a conscious effort, a thing to be dreaded and put off as long as possible.

Of course I will shower and wash my hair. But I want everybody to understand that when you are depressed, every move you make out of your own way is a conscious, deliberate hike up a large mountain, in a day of successive  mountains. I don't want to be this way. I didn't ask to be this way. I want to be like everybody else and make a positive difference in the world. I can't emphasise enough the effort it takes to do ordinary things.

Which brings me back to my shower and hair wash. It is my choice to have waist-length hair and I am so used to handling it, I shouldn't even have to mention it as a chore but I am today.

I will ride my bike. I do this everyday for 20 minutes. It sits in the living room in front of the TV, I just have to walk 3 steps from here, get on it and pedal.

I should be taking my clothes to the laundromat but I am putting that off until tomorrow. Then there's the weekend to work. While I dread having to leave the house and dread the pain in my ankles and legs, at least I feel a little useful and need those few pennies so bad.

I must do better today. I must give myself proper portions of food, and I mustn't let myself go downhill and pick at everything I see. Let me see if I can get through this day and at the end of it give myself some credit for having made a decent try, at least

Dishes and depression

I have a stack of dishes so high that everything I own is in the sink. I can see them from where I am sitting now. I need to get up and do them but depression has me by the butt and is holding me in this chair. When I saw my medication nurse last week she asked me how the lap-band was doing. I said "fine, I don't even know it is there. But to tell the truth, you can fix my stomach all you like, but my mind is still broken and it can't be fixed".

For those who don't know, I have Bipolar disorder which is a chemical imbalance in the brain. I take a lot of medication to control it but sometimes I feel mighty low. They added Abilify to my mix of Lamictal, Prozac and Wellbutrin and Xanax for my anxiety attacks but it is still an uphill battle. Depressed people can't "pull themselves up by their bootstraps" or "get a move on", and being told there are many people much worse off than  we are just adds guilt to the depression.

Amanda bought cookie dough from my grandson's school fund-raising and two big tubs are sitting in the fridge. M&M's and Snickerdoodle. I have a great weakness for raw cookie dough and I have had a couple of tablespoons of each. I am gonna get yelled at. I can't take any more and I feel kinda sick for eating what I did. So why did I eat it? It wasn't cookies, it was just plain ole dough.

This post is not for encouraging anyone to feel better about themselves, or turn them away from getting a lap-band placed around their stomach. This is about being depressed, unable to communicate this to anybody but this blog, and at least getting those dishes done. There's nothing any more that can be done for me. I am on medication for mental illness for the rest of my life and I have to live around it. I accept that. But some days are worse to live around than others, and it has been this way for the past few days.

Linda get a move on, and pull yourself by your boot-straps. Don't you know there are many people much worse off than you????

I needed to read this article about feeling full with the lap-band today

I have been having problems with picking between meals, and eating things that contain more calories than I should be eating. I had told my doctor that I don't feel like anything was done to my stomach...I haven't thrown up, or overstuffed myself, or anything like that. I see him in the New Year and I believe he will fill the band a little.

This link is from Obesity Help, submitted by a patient whose doctor had written the article and it was the very thing I needed to read today. I thought I'd add it here, for those who don't mind a long read in order to understand what is to be expected from the lap-band device: what it does, and what it doesn't do, and how you should work with it to be successful:

http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/lapband/4270806/A-great-article-re-restriction-and-how-the-band-works/

Midddle-aged woman VS Walmart

I just got back from Walmart with my three prescriptions in my hand. This is no easy task these days, as my daughter found out when she tried to get them for me yesterday. They had her going around in so many circles that she said she was done and left and I couldn't blame her in the least.

 I knew I had to go up there today because I had no medication left, and sort it out myself. Let's just say I hate going to Walmart or any other business in that vacinity because the traffic is horrendous and I've almost been run over a time or two up there. Also the hugeness of the store gives me anxiety attacks if I am alone.

So I put on my best middle-aged, slightly confused face and went to The Pharmacy To Get My Medication.

I told the young girl at the counter where you hand in the new Rx's what my problem was, and what happened to my daughter yesterday. She shook her head and did a few things with her computer behind the desk, and said I had 3 Rx's waiting for me. My middle-aged, slightly confused face serves me very well when dealing with Those Who Are In Authority, as well as Those Who Think They Are In Authority.

Everybody likes to feel they are better off in any way than you are if you are the one coming for advice, a favour, or in my case, to have my pill problem taken care of. Government loves the slightly-confused person and will go out of their way (as much as a Government person can go out of their way) to help you along.

People might laugh at me and my daughter thinks I am nuts. Her idea is Ma go get what you want, they are no better than you are and their job is to serve you, not the other way around.

But I still say you catch more flies with honey and it doesn't matter to me at all what  way I use to get what I want, or need, as long as I accomplish my purpose. The middle-aged, slightly confused persona has got me through many problems and with a lot less aggravation.

This has nothing to do with weight-loss, but I thought I would include it anyway, as one of my "survival tactics"

Terrible weekend food-wise

Right now I am eating a piece of fruitcake. Yes you read correctly. Gene just can in bringing a small slab of Hostess fruitcake. When I read the calories, 1/4 of the cake was 420 calories. Why do I keep shooting myself in the foot like this. No matter what anybody brings in this house, I need to be able to stare it in the eye and say "no".

The only redeeming thing is that I just rode my recumbent bike for 20 minutes but that was only 120 calories. I figure I have at least 200 calories here.

Let me see. I got an operation to reduce the size of my stomach and I should be going slowly down in weight if I stick to what they say. I have grown cocky over the past week or two. Nothing has happened when I eat a no-no. No pain in the stomach, no indigestion, no throwing up. So I have grown bolder and bolder and I am defeating the purpose of the whole thing.

Mind you the band around my stomach is slack and won't be filled until the New Year. Maybe this is why I can eat when I shouldn't.  Maybe the doctor wants me to have a nice Christmas (read eating what I want)  before a full stop is put to all this extra food I am eating. All I know is, by the time I see the dietition I better be under 265lbs. Tomorrow there is a support meeting for banders/bypass patients at 6 and I need to be there. Maybe something will get said that will knock some sense into my head.

I said I would write all here, the good and the bad, the successes and the failures, the highs and lows that I  go through. I never said I was perfect and I went into this with my eyes completely open. Should I get a few extra dollars I will get some powdered Slimfast and do the two shakes/one meal thing and try to balance the calories out.

I have this terrible habit of up-ending the chocolate syrup bottle (they make chocolate shakes around here) and just squirting some into my mouth. Well I read the calories...2tbs = 100 calories. And I KNOW that mouthful was much larger than 2 tbs so that is out as of last night. I do the same thing whenever there is a can of whipped cream in the fridge (and I know I am not alone!!!)

I will eat a diet meal tonight. I need my portions laid out for me. If I help myself I am far too generous and end up with much more than I should have on my plate   : /

It is what it is

Today I went to my medical nurse (I have biolar disorder as well as a few other health issues that I take pills for) and basically told her here I was with my lap-band in place, just like I wanted, but today I feel very down about issues around the house. Without getting into the details, let it suffice that because of the economy, I have 5 people living in one small house, with attendant belongings. One is out of work but doing the best that they can. Two face being laid off but can collect. And then there's me, working the weekends, I am disabled and need the few cents for medication and other needs.

Money is a great factor and in this I am not alone. There are some doing better than my situation, and some doing far worse.I want to live somewhere warm. This house is composed of two Qounset huts put together, hardly any insulation and it is freezing in here. The furnace can stay on 70 degrees all day and night and it would still be cold. I think this is what is bothering me the most. That there is no money to do any better, and isn't the American dream to do better? The American dream is DEAD. There's no climbing up, only falling down the ladder of success for all the people I know.

IT IS WHAT IT IS. Remember the Serenity Prayer, "God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom  to know the difference", something like that. Well I say, IT IS AS IT IS. You must put up with the things you cannot change. If you have tried in every way you know, it's time to accept that and try to improve your life in other ways.

I have done all I can to enable me to improve my health. I have undergone an operation to help me to reduce my weight, and sometimes are better than others when it comes to eating a little more than I should. I am an emotional eater and that is my fight to struggle with.

At present the band around my stomach is loose. There is nothing much stopping the food from going down and that means whatever I throw down there. I am doing pretty good sticking to not drinking 1.2 hour before, during and after meals. But it is so  easy to eat more than they say because I  have no symptoms. I told the doctor I don't even feel the device inside my stomach area.

Meanwhile now I am cold and drinking tea. There is a great pile of dishes to be done, maybe I might feel better when they are washed and put away. The rest of the house, well I can't do much with. I can tidy the stuff but there is no room for a proper place to store it.

Maybe I ought to sit on the pity pot a little longer then get up and carry on. It is what it is

Food troubles

I am disgusted with myself. I vowed today that I would not pick at food I should not eat today after being such a picker yesterday. I did fine up to about 3pm when I saw that stupid left-over, dried out candy that Max didn't use for his gingerbread house in school. Why O why didn't I throw this out yesterday. The candy was awful so why did I eat it?

Of course after that the horse was out of the barn and I would say I ate 1/2 stack of Ritz crackers over the past few hours. I also ate the end of the can of lentil soup I opened for lunch. I have to get a hold on here. I have a device around my stomach that is a "tool" to help me lose weight. But it's just like the wall, a nail and a hammer. If I use the hammer the right way I can bang the nail in the wall and hang a picture up. If I don't make the effort to use the hammer nothing will get done.

That's easy to say. I wish I could tell you that it is all calm sailing but do you know, the same fights I faced with food before the operation are the same ones I am facing now.

I did very well with the protein shakes because all choice is taken out of my hands, I am told to drink this and eat that, all done, weight gets lost. Breakfast is fine. I have coffee, and Cream of Wheat for breakfast. I can also have toast. Nothing stopping me from having egg and toast for breakfast either.

Lunch is problematic in that a strict measure has to be followed. 1 cup of food, no more, with protein as the most important part. Yesterday I had tuna fish mixed with diet Italian salad dressing (instead of mayo) with 6 saltine crackers. That was ok.

On the shakes before the operation I found it very helpful to eat a diet meal that was all measured out, rather than supper food which was neither here nor there for portions. After that, wait an hour, and have some tea or diet drink and later make " ice cream" out of my last shake of the day. (Ice Cream..make shake and freeze, stirring every now and then, takes about a couple of hours.)

OK I have thought this through and tomorrow I will try yet again. I will get a diet meal for supper. That is portioned and calorie controlled and should get me past supper.

I have to learn the portions because when I get my first "fill" after Christmas the band will constrict and cause the stomach opening to be smaller. Then I will be FORCED to eat very little. Wish me luck as  I again try tomorrow to get this done right and keep the scale needle moving downward instead of the other way around

Went to see the Dietition today

One of the things you must do after surgery, besides go to to doctor when they set you an appointment, is to see a dietition. This is usually the person who helped you with your diet before the surgery is done, and so I turned up today. She hadn't seen me in a couple of months and seemed surprised that I had gone through the surgery and was 3 weeks out already. On her scale I weighed 265 lbs.

I would say, the 20 lbs I have lost so far is in my face and neck, and I have lost some of my upper chest. Belly, hips and my broad backside will be the last to go. I know this by experience, having suffered through many diets before.

After I faced Mr Scale with the dietition, I sat down at her desk and played with her fake rubbery food. All kinds of meat, veg, fruit and starch were represented. These were to teach what a portion is but they are so realistic they look ready-to-eat.

By and large she was satisfied with my progress. She said I was not supposed to lose much weight in the first 6 weeks, as they wanted me to get used to everything. My lap-band appears to be unfilled and this is why I am having hardly any problems with it. It's there but I have had no problems chewing and swallowing meat and she even said that I could have toast!!! Bread!!! I've been craving bread but will have to watch the portions.

One thing I have noticed is that my belly is sagging lower than it was, and it's all black-and-blue from the heperan shots they gave me in the hospital. I am hoping, a long way down the road, that I might qualify for the operation to remove this "apron" of skin. Otherwise I will have to pay for it myself and it will just have to be rolled up in a nice stout girdle and I will have to live with it.

My arms and legs are not bad, it's just the barrel of fat around my torso that is causing all the problems.

Even though I am not one for group sessions of anything, I will do my best to attend a support group for lap-band/gastric bypass patients on December 14, from 6-7pm. Maybe they might have some good tips and recipes that I can copy. Especially diet versions of the sweet things I am beginning to miss

Don't feel like writing but here I am anyway

I don't know why I am writing, I really don't have anything to say that is helpful. Anybody who figured I would write a blog full of success and sunlight will soon find out that this is not that kind of account. As I am writing this I am eating a small piece of brownie (and when I go to the dietition I will "fess up" ) These guys around here made a beautiful pan of nice chocolatey brownies and left them around for me to see.

Of course none of this was done to lure me away from my meal plan but eventually water wears down stone and I broke off a little fragment here and there. Well it is gone and I hope nobody else brings in any more to stare at me.

I know what I am doing. I know this is what got me into trouble in the first place.

I lose weight best when I am on protein shakes. The less different types of food I have in my diet the better I do. Well I guess I was doing well so the Doctor told me to eat and I think I am running into a little bit of trouble.

Today for supper I had some butter beans, a small piece of roast and a small amount of mashed potatoes and gravy. I think it was more than a cupful that I ate. I am glad I am going to the dietition tomorrow so she can sort me out before I fall into deep trouble. The lap-band around my stomach isn't full, and it won't be tightened until after Christmas so while it is a deterrent the food can still get by pretty easily. I do what I am told about not drinking before, during and an hour after eating. I understand the reason for that.

Another thing is, I am craving salt. I can eat pickles (not the skin) and they taste so good. Also I grab a chip when anybody has some salt and vinegar ones and just suck the salt off and let the chip disintegrate on my tongue. Otherwise than the run-in with the brownie business I have kept away from all the sweets.

Now I have confessed and maybe writing about it and owning up to my great failings will help in the long run. I hope so

My life as an onion

I see my life as represented by the onion, a vegetable which starts small and grows many layers. The larger the onion, the more layers there are. As a morbidly obese person, I started off somewhere being The Ideal Weight. In my case I was a young adult weighing 130lbs.

As I carried on with life, it's ups and downs, successes and failures, happiness and sadness as for everybody else in the world, I grew layers around myself against having to "feel" any kind of unpleasantness (and again, everybody in the world has unpleasantness, it's just everybody handles it in a different way.)

In my case I turned to food but I wasn't aware of doing this when I began to get further and further  away from my ideal weight. Cheap empty calories were easy to get when I went through one of my many "poor" phases of my life. Macaroni and cheese, bread, day-old donuts, cookies etc were easy to come by. And then I had Amanda and gained over 70lbs but that wasn't her fault. Many women have children and get themselves right back on track but I didn't.

That's just a couple of examples and I am sure you can fill in your own blanks if you are overweight. But as my life went on, I stuffed down more and more feelings and begin to use food as a tool to get by. Sweet junk worked the best. As I kept gaining people began to say I let myself go, and I began to hide food (which I would buy on my way home from work and eat in secret when nobody else was around). Then started all the diets, both self-imposed and organised, such as Weight Watchers. But because I had unresolved issues the weight always came back "and brought friends".

At very close to 300lbs I was able to have this lap-band surgery done, and now I am down 20lbs. I have been down about 40lbs. with hypnosis but got no further. Sometimes I wonder if there are layers of fat (onion layers) that represent unpleasant things that have to be dealt with before I can pass that particular weight barrier.

The only person who can take this weight off is me. I have tools to help me to do it but it's my final effort that can help me succeed, or make me fail yet again. As I told the doctor, this is the end of the road. This surgery has to work or I'm done for.

But like the onion with it's many layers, I wonder what I will have to face as I start to peel the weight off. I might have to go back into counselling again as I did a couple of years ago to deal with whatever it is I "stuffed" inside me with the many Little Debbies I got my hands on

My routine Doctor visit

I haven't felt much like writing but my sister Aloma is shouting at me so I guess I better get to it...the picture is what a stomach looks like once the lap band is put in place. This band can be filled with saline (or saline can be taken out) through the port (right hand side of the diagram.) The Doctor told me my port was located on the upper part of my stomach, in the middle.

A person having any kind of weight loss surgery has to understand that it is a life-long commitment and that means going to the doctor faithfully when appointments are made, and following advice on using "the tool".
This is what they call the lap-band apparatus. It can't make you lose weight all by itself, it has to be used by you for help but you have to make the effort yourself to eat right.

Also the Dietition will help me along with the new way of eating. I see her this Monday and listen to what she has to say. She has a set of scales that I have to face also. Me and Mr Scale sometimes don't get along and I am always afraid he will tell tales on me. Worst of all I am afraid if when I follow my eating plan faithfully and the needle doesn't go down. Then I know I will be told about My Portions of Food.

The doctor told me it is easy to "eat around" the band by just grazing all day long on forbidden foods. I told him, this is the end of the road for me. If I can't make this work I have lost the fight for good. I was good and never ate anything I wasn't supposed to (my beloved sweet things) but I was surprised to find out Bread, especially nice, crusty grinder rolls, and Italian bread were calling my name and I had to stop-up my ears!

Here are some "nevers"...never drink milk (unless for cereals and things like that), fruit juices, gaterade and soda (even diet). Always nothing to eat 1/2 hour before or an hour after a meal, and never drink anything while you are eating. This is to keep the food in the little stomach as long as possible, and drinking anything will wash the food right down and I wouldn't feel full.

All in all he seemed very pleased with me and told me to come back in a month. There is a lap-band support group that meets once a week where I see my dietition. I think I will go this week, 6-8pm even though I hate to drive at night. Maybe they may have some tips and recipes I can use

Introducing "the tools of the trade"

I thought I would show you my "tools that help me to eat". On the left is my small food processor. Anything put in here comes out like baby food if I hold the button down long enough. This is what I used for eating Thanksgiving turkey last Friday along with gravy, sweet potato casserole and a teensy bit of cranberry sauce. Yesterday I had a can of cream of mushroom soup so I emptied the condensed canfull into the blender, pureed, then put it into a pan with the water like usual.

(I have a Slap Chop as well, but won't be using that for a while because it just chops things).

On the right there's my shake-blender and it is God-sent for making nice fluffy protein shakes and it has had good use for the past month or so. Instead of  having 3 shakes a day I now have two, with the added food giving me the protein I have to have.

Today I did a no-no, and yesterday I did also but nothing happened so I guess it was alright. We have a beautiful veggie plate with broccoli, carrots and celery and the sweetest grape tomatoes I ever tried. I didn't eat the skins, I spit those out, just swallowing the juice and it tasted so good after not having any veg. for a couple of weeks :)

Tomorrow I go see the Doctor. I have a few stitches to come out and I want to see what else he does and ask him about my hiatal hernia that they found. Also tomorrow's breakfast will be Cream of Wheat and I am sooo looking forward to a hot breakfast after cold shakes and yoghurt. I will add my vitamin powder, Bene-fibre and an Equal as well as some skim milk.

My appointment is at 11:30am, and I am glad my daughter is driving me up there. I hate driving at all, much less going out of town because I tend to get lost and end up scared to death in Providence.

Thoughts on my cat Lady, cottage cheese and lap-band device

Today was gloomy-grey and I kinda felt like that inside. I mean, I rode my bike and carried on through the day but it seemed I had no enthusiasm for anything. I ate what I was supposed to do. In fact I even tried using cottage cheese in a recipe that I read about in a forum. The person said that meatballs and sauce pureed and heated with cottage cheese on the bottom tasted like lasagne, only no noodles. It seems like a terrible combination but as Gene made spaghetti and meatballs today I decided to try it.

Do you know that person was right and I enjoyed my supper. I will make that again.

Tomorrow Lady goes to the vet for a thyroid work-up. She was 6lbs heavier a few months ago and I just put it down to her going out in the summertime and chasing things about at night when everybody else is in bed. Well she was way too heavy at 18 lbs and the last time I took her to the vets I was advised to put her on a diet. Easier said than done she begs everybody for food and it's hard to deny her.

Otherwise then her getting down to a decent size, she is fine in every other way, no distress or anything and plus I would feel it if she was sick so I am not expecting anything except what vet is looking for at the worst. I am hopeless that "pilling the cat" but that would be preferable to having to give her shots because she was obese and got diabetic. We shall see.

On Thursday I go to see the Weight Loss Surgeon for my first check up. I want to find out where my port is. This allows the doctor to add saline to my lap-band to tighten it, or take out saline should I need that. He just locates it and inserts the needle through my skin to the port underneath.

People may wonder if I feel strange having a medical device in my body and if it makes any difference to me. I can't feel it. Besides the restrictions I have at present I wouldn't even know it was there.

I hope I see some sun tomorrow. I am in dire need of sunlight and blue skies

3 more pounds gone and Bene-fibre

I was surprised to see this am when I got on the scale that I had lost another 3 lbs, bringing my total to 21 lbs gone. I am now 266. I have a long journey ahead, but a great start like this gives me hope that I might reach my goal some day. Meanwhile, like I always do when on a diet, I count the loss in the decades. I got past '80's, then '70's and now I am workinh through my '60's to my 50's.

I am riding my bike for 20 minutes/day, each day trying to get a little faster. On my belly I have only two strips left on my cuts, I imagine somewhere there will be a stitch or two for the doctor to remove on Thursday. My stomach still feels big and puffy but I have noticed already that I don't need my ankle brace on my left ankle any more, at least in the house. I don't go out much (that's a whole new problem!) but tomorrow I will attempt to to the clothes myself at the laundromat so we will see how my ankle holds up then. I will also wear a girdle for my back and to hold this big belly in. I wore one last week when I took Lady to the vet's so I know this works.

Now I know everybody wants to know how my bowels are holding up, hehehe. With such a little food going in, I have to do my best not to let it "back up". I am very anal (pun intended!) about going once a day and I have a bristly armament built up against The Awful Constipation Demon. I hate him with a passion and I know you do too.

Taking so much medication over the years I am prepared for any contingency. Just in case I need any help I have on hand...1 fleet enema, Ex-lax, Metamucil, suppositories and while I seldom need these now it's always a comfort to know I have them on hand. Oh yeah, I also have a bottle of that awful stuff they use to clean you out for colonoscopies. A few years ago I bought one extra by mistake. No harm in having it nearby, right?

Well so far I have had very good success with Bene-fibre. Unlike Metamucil it is very smooth and you can mix it in anything. The nurse at the hospital told me to get some and use it everyday. Listen this stuff is expensive but worth it's weight in gold as far as I am concerned. I have a spoonful stirred into a drink 3 times daily and can't complain at all.

OK I don't want to end on a "bottom note" so I will say, maybe tomorrow I will spend some time looking around for some shoes online. Maybe I can find a real good deal that would be worth the postage I would have to pay. After all it is Cyber Monday and while I never came out for Black Friday, there's nothing to stop me from window-shopping from here!

Chopping pills in bitty pieces

As a person who takes a lot of medication and us used to downing pills by the handfuls I have been severely brought up short by having to haul out ye olde pill-splitter. Among many of the adjustments I have had to make for my new small stomach is cutting my big pills in half. I have quite a few that need to be cut in half and now I take my pills one small piece at a time.

It's soooo boring and I had to admit I put this off as long as I can (well within the time lines that I have to take them in) Before: everything in my mouth, big swallow of water and down the hatch. There is quite a skill in getting them all down at once without any of the nasty ones getting stuck inside your throat somewhere.

Well I sure did get my comeuppance. Now I am forced to take a small piece, large sip of water and repeat, and repeat until it is all gone.

Anyway getting by that I had a pretty good day today. I cycled slowly for 20 minutes and intend to do the same again later. My supper was what I had yesterday...blended thanksgiving leftovers. I was real tempted to blend up some green bean casserole but figured, maybe the onions would give me problems. I guess my best way would be to eat simple combinations and keep the fancy stuff for down the road.

The things I am supposed to add to my food list was scrambled eggs, cottage cheese and yoghurt and the last two I will get this weekend, they are no problem. I really don't think I get along with scrambled eggs that much. They give me the burps. I will be real happy when next week comes and I can have Cream of Wheat for breakfast. I love hot cereals and this would be great as it is so cold

Organised me????

I just did something picky and Martha-Stewart-like in my freezer. Having plenty of Thanksgiving leftovers I decided to try and put up a few frozen portions for myself for other meals. I blended some turkey and gravy really fine and divided it 4 ways, put it on a dessert plate and stuck it in the freezer, uncovered.

I just took this out, frozen solid. It looked like 4 "plops" of cookie dough. I dug them off the plate and put them in a zip-lock bag. Then I got out Amanda's sweet potato casserole and made 4 more "plops" and up in the freezer they went.

The Martha Stewart part is where I stuck them in a zip lock bag. So picky. And the casserole ones will go in their own zip-lock bag when they are frozen.

I think tomorrow I will make more "plops" and store them away,lol

.........................

OK this is because I am learning a new way to eat. My portions will always be small and while they will not always be blended, whatever the texture I will have to chew and chew before I swallow what I am eating. I am very proud that I was able to eat a couple of tablespoons of turkey and casserole, and even a small amount of jelled cranberry sauce.

I can't drink 1/2 hour before a solid meal, or 1/2 after I have eaten. This is so the little stomach will stay fuller longer and I won't be hungry as quick.

I often wondered about the nursing home residents who had pureed food to eat on their trays:
brown plop, white plop, green plop = meat, mashed potatoes and peas

I have a little more respect for their plight now

Emotional Eating...first time for facing

Tonight I had my first situation since surgery that the door to emotional eating was closed for me. My grandson really tried my patience and my one nerve and usually I solve this problem by eating. There is plenty of food around but I knew I couldn't get around feeling old, ineffective and a "bad gramma who needs to be in jail" and just feeling plain old used up by eating any.

I faced it without the food but I never realised that I had done so until the problem worked itself out and Max apologised to me all on his own. This is big for him, he has autism and while brilliant in school, can throw very bad tantrums and be very abusive when the mood takes him. But the very fact that he said "I am sorry" was a step forward. However, the emotional cost to me is enough to drive me into the kitchen to find whatever I can find sweet to shove the feelings down. This is how I dealt with all problems, Max is just a good example.

I didn't eat because I didn't want to feel sick. I had eaten my first "solid" food earlier (some very soft scrambled eggs) for a week. Later on I had gas, both ends, for a good hour or so. Guess my guts were mad at me for not feeding them properly and they were getting their own back. I guess I will have to introduce the foods very slowly as the Doctor told me to do.

This is gonna be a long road folks with problems and lessons all along the way when it comes to food. Maybe I should eat my small portion of turkey and sweet potato casserole separately instead of both together tomorrow

Happy Thanksgiving!!! My first "solid" food in a week

I just ate "Thanksgiving dinner" and while it was only a humble egg very softly scrambled, it was real good to use my fork again. It took me a while to eat that little bit of food as I had to chew, chew, chew before I swallowed it down. So far I feel OK, no immediate reactions but I won't consider myself out of the woods until about 3:30pm.

That's when I make my lunch shake. I can't drink anything 1/2 hour before or 1/2 hour after I eat anything solid *Burp* I stole a fragment of Gene's baked potato (the inner, buttery, salty part) and you would have thought I ate the greatest meal on earth. That little bit of potato tasted SOOO GOOD. But I didn't eat any more of it. Until you have spent time not chewing anything, it's hard to describe how good solid food tastes, even if it was just such as I had above.

Tomorrow I am looking forward to blended turkey with a little gravy to moisten, and some of Amanda's amazing sweet potato casserole. Sad to say, the marshmallows will have to be scraped off but that's a small price to pay for eating just a little of something solid.

The thing is, my little stomach only holds about 1/4 cup at a time. This means getting used to protein first, then starch or veg or whatever. One oz. of meat (and that ain't much folks!) the rest that casserole I have been looking forward to. I may have to thin the mixture a little to make it the correct consistency.

Oh well enough of my new fussy food habits...hope everybody had a great Thanksgiving day, that you ate all you wanted, and the Patriots win!!!!

I've lost 18 lbs in 3 weeks

My daughter is cooking tomorrow before she goes to another family dinner later in the day. Today she made some sweet potato casserole to take with her, as well as some for us here. She will put marshmallows for the one going but leave a little without for me when she finishes up the candied one for here.

I have to say I have lost almost 20lbs in the past 3 weeks. Before I went on the shakes diet I weighed 287lbs. Before surgery I weighed 274 lbs. Now on my scale today I weigh 269 lbs. Been a while since I was in the 260's!

I said before that tomorrow I will be introducing yoghurt, cottage cheese and soft scrambled eggs. With that in mind, I've worked out a kind of Thanksgiving dinner that will suit me fine. I have one of those small food processors and I will blend some turkey with a little broth. And I will have a little of Amanda's casserole (no marshmallows) thinned out a little with milk if it is a little thick.

Our family is scattered all over the place, no hope of ever having any kind of holiday dinner together unless somebody comes to stay. So we have had just us here. In the past I had a friend who would do Christmas dinner and I would do Thanksgiving, but it was too stressful for me after my nerves went downhill.

So Gene and I will be rattling around the house when Amanda, Mike and Max go to his people's as they do every year.

I am just as happy. I don't leave home unless I have to. Even with the pills I get too nervous to drive (having had two fender-benders this year) And at such a gathering with my limited food, I wouldn't be very happy,especially when the desserts came out :D

Thanksgiving Wrap!!!

In a little diner up my way they have daily specials, and among the offerings this afternoon was a Thanksgiving Wrap. Gene had me call the diner to see what they had on special. Seeing as I am not eating, it's cheaper for him to get something out when he hasn't made a pot of stew or American chop suey etc.

It didn't matter to me that there was a seafood casserole, Yankee pot roast, shephard's pie, fish and chips and the like on the menu. For one small moment I wish I had my whole stomach back to be able to eat this wrap.

Then I had to remember that, good as it would be to have a wrap with turkey, stuffing and cranberry sauce on it, it would be better to let it go by. I tried to reason it out. Of course there is the delicious smell, and the generous helping, and of course the taste...I've eaten many of these sandwiches before on the holidays.

But then I thought, there comes a time when the food is gone and I am left feeling over stuffed and feeling guilty that I should have had the salad plate instead. At least where I am now, I never ate it so it can't add any more weight to me. It's the stuffing that draws me, bread yet again!!!

On a more weight-loss subject, I made a good protein shake this am for breakfast. I did the usual, 4ox skim milk, Equal and powder. Then I took one of those small diet jello portions and threw that in. The jello was cherry-flavoured. Then the 3 ice cubes and blend. The result was a rosy-pink. very thick and tasty shake which was very filling and kept my tum happy for a few hours.

I know I will have those moments of "wish I could eat that" and "why did I have my stomach done, I can't eat anything" and "just give me The Bread!!!" I just have to think it through and pull it all to pieces and see exactly what it is I want from the desired food and how I would feel afterwards.

Gene just bought in the fish and chips. But I am over it now. The smell is very tantalising but it's not for me today.

Maybe a very small amount when I can eat solid food

Bread and Toast

There is a food that bothers me in a mild way, since it will be a long time before I will be able to eat any.

It's bread. I love any kind of bread, any flavour. Along with their spaghetti last Saturday Amanda had some French bread, the nice hard crusty kind. It smelled so good. None for me.

Just now the family was eating the end of the stew which didn't bother me. But someone made some toast and all I could smell is the wonderful aroma of toasting bread. Certainly none for me.

Last night I made Gene's sandwiches for today and when I opened the bread bag there was a wonderful yeasty smell just tickling my nose. None for me of course, I made those sandwhiches in a hurry and stuck them in the fridge.

Even when I can introduce bread down the road, it must always be toasted, not soft. It's so strange I thought the sweet things would be the ones to haunt me, but it's that most humble of foods, a slice of bread

Some Monday Thoughts

Well I made it through the weekend.

There were swirls of food around me all the time and I know the family felt bad about eating in front of me but to be quite honest I didn't have any problems with it and I hope this carries on. On the Saturday night Amanda and Mike made spaghetti and on Sunday Gene made a big pot of stew and later I found out he felt bad because I couldn't eat any. There was Chinese food around as well, and I know where there is an open package of Raisinettes and some Nerds but the thoughts came and went.

Just like the Thanksgiving goodies. I have resigned myself to the fact that there will be no great big meal for me this Thursday. Rather I am looking forward to Christmas, when I will be able to eat, well-chewed and small amounts of food, but at least I can.

I will say this. It gave me a running start to have the shakes diet two weeks before. I was able to lose 14 lbs, and best of all I got in the habit of having mainly liquids for meals. So I was real used to my blender, powders, vitamins etc by the time I came home.

At present I am not depressed and I know this because I am able to look down the road and see each week getting better and better for what I can eat. I have 4 more days on clear liquids then I can step up to full liquids.

On full liquids I can have yoghurt,soft scrambled eggs, cottage cheese, pureed soup and sugar-free pudding which will be like an elegant feast compared to this week!!!

Of course then I will have to eat slowly so this solid food slips through the band easily. I had a little scare on Saturday night when a round pill I have to take felt like it stuck in my throat. I began to drink water to flush it down. Finally it went and now this pill gets split along with the rest

The Surgical Experience, Nov 19

I arrived at the hospital with Gene in plenty of time and after 6am we went into the room where they prepare you for surgery. There were many people there and you were allowed to have somebody with you to keep your company. They asked me to take off everything (yes, even under pants!!!) and put on a large johnny and gave me a nice warm blanket over my shoulders. They gave my clothes and shoes to Gene to bring back when I left the hospital.

After that I got on the gurney and they started the intravenous. I have nice veins, nobody has ever complained about having to insert a needle before. Then they gave me a Heperan shot in the stomach (sounds worse than it was,they use a fine needle and there's only a slight stinging sensation.

The surgical nurses who would be working with me came in and introduced themselves, and also the anesthesia doctor, and finally my doctor came by to say hello and ask how I was feeling. He was very pleased that I had lost those 14 lbs and he said I would have a successful weight loss experience when my band was in place.

Just before they took me down they gave me some sedation through the tubing and I was on my way. Gene (who hates hospitals) then went to eat btreakfast at the cafeteria and hang around until he knew I had made it through ok.

The operating room seemed small to me and it wasn't as cold as some I have been in. I saw the doctor and a couple of nurses. There was a lot of green around in the room and the big operation light overhead. They had me lay down on the table and then came the mask and "think pleasant thoughts" and my lights were put out

When I came to I was in a large room with lots of hustle and bustle, and people talking over and around me. I was aware of others on other gurneys around and the whole place was bright. This is where I overheard about a hernia they had found during my operation.

Next thing I knew they were whisking me down the hallway on the way upstairs. I passed my doctor who took my hand and said I did fine and then the elevator doors opened and I was in the ward.

HOSPITALS....uncomfortable beds which you keep sliding around in. My food wasn't food, it was clear liquids.. salt-free broth, tea, jello and the one thing I liked, some Italian ice. Also some apple juice. Supper and breakfast was the same, except I had a protein shake on my tray. Lunch was a repeat, only the jello was a different flavour.

Needless to say I was raring to get out of there, no decent food, etc, being woken up all night and my pills all screwed up. Everybody was very kind to me and the lady in the next bed was very nice, we talked some.

I was only kept overnight because I have sleep apnea and they wanted to see if I was OK. I did my shuffle up and down the hallway as I was told, and waited forever to be released as it was on a Saturday (and nothing is ever on time on the weekends, less staff)

As everybody knows, hospitals are only tolerable when you are too sick to care and need to be looked after...once you are better, it's past time to move on!!!

Two Days Later after my Surgery...a few thoughts

This morning I am "two days out" from my lapband surgery and this morning I started with a few sips of water, a cup of coffee, a protein shake and just now choked down my pills. These pills present some problems. Rather than the old "throw 'em down by the handfuls" as I did before, I have to break them in half (and the big ones in quarters) to make sure they don't get stuck.

I kind of visualise my stomach now as the shape of an uneven hour-glass, little part up top, big part at the bottom, with a tiny place for the food (sand) to trickle through. Too much at once, food (or pill) chunks too big, and I will get sick. I am not used to throwing up as I am very fortunate to have what I call a "cast-iron" stomach and am rarely sick unless a bug goes around.

My stomach has 5 cuts across it, like gall-bladder cuts if you have had laproscopic gall bladder surgery. The one right in the middle hurts the worst, the others are OK. I heard in Recovery that I also had a hernia repaired, I have no other details but I will call the doctor's office tomorrow to see what it is all about. Of course the nurses tell you nothing and another doctor discharged me so I don't know.

Yesterday when I came home I felt very distracted and wondered what on earth I had done to myself. Here was Thanksgiving coming, nothing for me but clear liquid diet. Next week will be full liquids and I am looking forward to Cream of Wheat for breakfast.

So on my grocery list for this week is: Protein shakes powder, diet jello, chicken broth, sugar-free pop sickles, Crystal lite and the powdered vitamins I have to take.

Today I feel better about my decision, after all it is all said and done and I waited 5 years, so had plenty of time to think about the pros and cons.

The long and short of it is, that I couldn't continue to go on as I was. I was 287 lbs at my highest, and 274 lbs at time of surgery. I have a bad back, bad knee and bad ankle and all my other health problems. So it was time to get on with it. So here I am

4:25 in the morning

I didn't expect to be sitting here writing this at 4:25 am. But here I am all showered and ready to go, but no sense to leave until after 5, seeing as I have to be there at 6am. Last night I was in bed by 10:30pm or so which was very strange to me. But I wanted to take my pm meds early enough to get them out of my system.

I woke up a couple of times through the night. One time was about 1. So strange to be getting up to pee at 1, when that would have been an ordinary time for me to be sitting here! But I did get back to sleep and Gene woke me at 4.

They had given me a package of some stuff to bathe with after I showered with my own soap. It was red and had no particular smile. I thought to myself "well might as well, they must have their own reasons", and carried on.

It seemed strange to me just to put deodorant and not my usual cloud of Gold Bond powder but they didn't want me to use powder or lotion. So I got my clothes on and saw it was early, and sat here.

Gene was watching Cassius Clay on TV, the old black and white grainy fights from the early 60's. This was a normal time of the day for him.

I took my thyroid medication and one blood pressure pill the way they said. Lady is clearly perturbed at all this action so early for me. Cats know everything. She knows my C-pap machine is by the door where I won't forget it and she probably thinks I'll be taking a plane trip again, hehehe.

She has her own chair next to mine here and I told her, "don't worry, I will be back, just one night I'll be gone". I wish there was a way to tell a beloved pet that you won't be disappearing never to return!

Having eaten nothing the day before, only my shakes, I strangely wasn't hungry and Gene drinking coffee didn't bother me. Why am I sitting here at 4:40am blogging like a nut.

Sitting here after my supper shake

The best I could do for lunch and supper shakes was add a little brandy extract. I like milkshakes so they haven't bothered me today. I get one more tonight and will do something very weird and strange for me:

I will try and be in bed by 11pm at the latest and DH will get me up around 4am. More than anything else this is to give my night time pills to be taken and get through my system. In the morning all they want me to take is one of my BP medicines and my thyroid pill.

One thing I don't have to worry about is getting up on time because DH is up before the roosters every day. He is a genuine early-morning person (while I do best at night with the owls).

I will miss my C-pap machine but it is all clean and in it's bag for me to take. Also my asthma inhalers (and sneaking in those underpants and slippers and some lip-balm) My hair is washed and dry which is a major thing because it is thick and waist-length and I only wash it once a week in the cold weather.

I have done all I can except present myself on the steps of the hospital. Gene can stay with me until I go down to get my smaller stomach. On that same note, please allow me to sit on the pity-pot a moment or so for the type of "food" I will be able to eat later in the day:

DAY 1
Breakfast... protein shake (no suprise there)
Snack...1 cup Crystal light (they better have the ice tea flavour)
Lunch...1 cup broth
Snack...sugar free popsicle
Snack... protein shake
snack... cup of broth
Supper... protein shake
Snack...cup of water

Thanksgiving is next Thursday. Wonder if there is such a thing as a turkey, stuffing and cranberry shake

Slippers and Underpants

I have a lot to do today but I thought I'd take time to write a few lines. Today is All-Shakes Day. That is All-Plain-Shakes, no fruit, no yoghurt, no peanut butter added. I am not hungry. The last thing I ate before midnight was some miniature powdered donuts I found in the cupboard above the stove.

There are dishes in the sink, these must be done. I have put off doing laundry because there isn't enough to do a decent load. The large machines was the best and I'd be wasting my money...perhaps my daughter will throw a few things of mine with her stuff when she goes.

I have to clean out my C-pap machine. I am very lazy about this and it needs a good cleaning anyway. the hose needs to dry as much as possible and then I will pack it all up in it's carrier along with my asthma medicine to go to the hospital.

I read somewhere where you need to take some lip balm because your lips will be very dry after the op. and you will have to keep applying it so in my carrier goes some of that. The hospital doesn't want you to bring anything but having to bring a machine in a carrier means perhaps I can sneak in my comfortable slippers for walking????

I have this sneaking suspicion that they have your relative take away your clothes and shoes because they don't want you sneaking out of hospital before paying the bill, hehehe

Oh yeah with my slippers I will sneak in some underpants. They will not make me lay in bed without my underpants. Leave me a little dignity after all!

There are some who will say, Linda you won't care about anything once you wake up in Recovery. You won't even want to MOVE, much less worry about slippers and underpants

The day before all liquids

Today is the last call for me to eat any solid food before tomorrow comes, bringing shakes all day long. Not even bananas, fruit or yoghurt to liven them up either. But I am sure I can add an extract to liven them up a little.

So bearing that in mind, today I ate: 2 ice-cream sandwiches, a square of Amanda's dark chocolate (I have been sneaking pieces off here and there), crackers and I found a bag of snack-sized peanut M&M's and grabbed 3 bags. Then I put the large bag back in it's hiding place...

The calzone I was kinda disappointed in and it gave me heart-burn later. I ordered Portuguese La La (Portuguese sausage, onions and peppers) and figured all this would be fried together. Well it came like they had put the three fillings in ands baked them so the cheese didn't melt right and the veg. wasn't fried like I wanted. I guess I should have just stayed with my Greek style calzone but once I took my Tums I was over it. They sell monster sizes at this restaurant. The small size is more than enough.

Right now I am waiting for a pumpkin flavoured coffee from DD...nothing wrong with coffee of course but the pumpkin flavouring is all sugar...big no-no.

Just thinking...I know where some miniature white frosted donuts are, I might round out my eating spree with a few of those and a tea later on.

Then tomorrow it's the real straight-and-narrow but having done the shakes thing for 2 weeks it won't hurt for me to do without a solid-food supper.

I have things to do tomorrow. Go to the laundromat and wash clothes, and buy some more protein powder and skim milk.

How many people are afraid they will wake up late on their surgery day if they are first on the roster??? I have to be at the hospital in Providence for 6am. They have given me a special liquid soap-type stuff to clean myself with after I use my proper soap in the shower. Guess it's some germ-killing wash or whatever.

Also tomorrow I will wash my hair and intend to wear it in two braids on Friday. Less problems because I have long hair and I like it out of the way

My friend the Protein Shake

I might be among the very few people in the world who actually like protein shakes. Anything tastes like a milkshake goes down good with me. Maybe if you are not a sweet-eater you won't like them. I have never seen a savoury shake but maybe there are some around I haven't heard of.

I have whey protein powder from GNC and powdered vitamins that mix well with the shakes, that I use with 2 out of the 3 shakes I have a day. Then I have a diet meal for supper. I have to admit I cheated a little this past weekend and a little this week, but I think I lost some weight anyway. If only because I stuffed myself everyday before!

This morning I put a little peanut butter in my vanilla shake and it came out tasting just like a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup without the chocolate. If I had had some chocolate extract I would have been all set but it tasted so good anyway. The basic recipe is 4oz skim milk, and a scoopful of powder. They have all flavours but from past experience I got vanilla because you can "doctor it up" with flavours and fruits. Anyway to that basis I added 1 tbs peanut butter, packet Equal (optional) and two ice cubes. Whirl away and enjoy

For lunch I had frozen some banana slices and I used some of those with the basic recipe, a little vanilla extract and a packet of Equal. I could have put a little cinnamon in there too but I forgot. It came out so nice and thick and tasty I was sorry when it was all gone.

In the past I have made ice-cream out of a shake by freezing it, stirring a few times as it goes. As ice cream is one of my favourite things this makes a good substitute.

Tonight's shake will feature frozen wild Maine blueberries. They are smaller and process better. You just have to remember, of you want your shake to be thick and frosty, you have to put something frozen in, like ice cubes or frozen fruit.

The varieties are endless. I saw one shakes recipe site that had 200 of different ones to try.
Put your powder and milk in the blender and start throwing things in and see what you come up with :D

Saying farewell to my large stomach...

....and preparing to greet my new small one. I would be lying if I said I was confident and this operation would be smooth sailing. I would be lying if I said all's well that ends well. Some people say they count the day of their WLS as the start of a new life. I think that's what scares me the most.

Right now at least I know who I am, obese as I have become. Life is the same, same irritations and upsets, but at least I know this life. Who will I be 20, 40, 50 lbs from now? And what happens when I pass the 200lb mark?

I have the confidence to stick to the diet plan and do the best I can when I begin to introduce solids again a few weeks down the road. I belong to a great forum with resources that I can read and ask questions of. I have the best doctor and he has a great office full of helpful people and I have a dietition in place.

All systems go, right? Well I will admit now to a few planned slip-ups over the weekend. I got past the Christmas Bazaar 1/2 price baked goods on Sunday and never went anywhere near my favourite sweets tables on Saturday. I watched some guy at work eat 6 cup cakes for lunch on Saturday, and he ate another 6 (well, they were not real large) on Sunday. Not a problem. I just drank my lunch shake.

But there was a great big home made apple pie sitting in the fridge that wasn't being eaten and I had a couple of slices Saturday night as well as two devil dogs. Then I stopped. I didn't feel guilty because I planned to eat these. Sunday night I ate one more devil dog and today I finished off what was left of the apple pie. But I also have been riding my recumbent bike twice a day so that should offset it some and it's out of my system.

On Wednesday, the day before my all-liquid- day-before-surgery meal plan, I intend to eat a huge hamburger and fries. I figure it will have a day to get out of my system. I won't see any of this kind of food for a while.

After midnight Friday, there is nothing to eat or drink, just a sip of water to take my medication.

I have to be at the hospital for 6am and then I surrender my body to the experts who will fix it for me. Then my new life begins

I feel nervous and I want to eat

I just took my pills so I hope I feel less anxious in a little while. Whenever there is too much going on at once around me or I don't feel well or the atmosphere just "doesn't feel right" I get like this and can't concentrate on anything. I've looked at all 3 of my games and don't feel like playing.

I came home early today because I just could not drag myself around for another 1/2 hrs. Not only did my usual left ankle, knee and back hurt, but there was also a pain in the back of my upper thigh. I think that is the sciatica nerve. So I got the Charge Nurse to write me out and I came home.

I drank my protein shake around mid-day and my supper around 3:30pm when Gene went out. He had KFC and I had some left over baked fish and ate KFC coleslaw. Then I had to eat the biscuit. I knew it was a no-no because they are high in calories. So far that's it but somebody brought a great big apple pie yesterday to the house and I did eat a few apple slices out of the middle but no crust.
Now I want the whole thing, apples plus the crust. It was home made and made on one of those old-fashioned deep pie dishes. So tempting

I usually have trouble over weekends because everybody is home and everything irritates me unless I take my Xanax and am able to feel less nervous. When I feel like this, too nervous to settle down, that's when I want to eat.

Just in case anybody thinks it is all clear sailing for me, it isn't. Just like in everybody else's life, there are things that get us down, get our backs up, get on our one last nerve. Also it makes me nervous that my eyes don't seem very focused, and I have to spend less time from here to relax them. Never had this problem before.

I think it's time to go to the eye dr's ...my years about up anyway. The insurance only wants to pay for office visits every other year (along with all the tests I have). Whatever

Name Change for my blog

I just changed my blog title because now that I was getting closer to my WLS, I will be writing more about what is happening to me and how I feel about it.

It always did make me feel better to record my feelings on paper...I was the one with the 5 year diary who never had enough lines to say my piece for the day. Then came journals. And now it's much easier just to sit here and type.

Today I have been on my shakes diet for exactly a week. I feel like I have lost a little weight but as my scale isn't working right I'm not sure now much but I guess they will weigh me again before I have the surgery done. I am used to making the shakes now and have learned how to vary the taste with different additions. I had better. Protein shakes will be my friend for a long time.

I feel kinda low tonight. My brain doesn't seem to want to work. I am having to really think about things that I should be doing automatically and I am not talking as well because I keep stuttering and forgetting what I want to say.

Tomorrow I have to work and I dread it as usual because of my aches and pains. I didn't ride my bike because I had my clothes to get done and some running about to do. I had to buy more protein powder ($25 for 21 servings, a week) and I also found out how much my powdered ultra woman's vitamins were...$40 for 2 week supply. The iron capsules will last a month.

So you can see it is costing me money to eat right. But I'd rather sacrifice and get decent vitamins because I haven't had one bad stomach reaction, like I would usually have. Also I haven't had any problems with constipation which is what I feared once I was eating much less solid food.

Well here I sit and there are many dishes and pots in the sink. The microwave died and you never miss the convience until it's gone.

Not doing the dishes. I'm putting my foot down..at least for tonight

Two little gummy circles

I am doing as well as I can on my pre-op diet and I may have even lost a little weight. The day I started (Saturday) Amanda came in with a box of jellied candy, similar to the fruit slices, only in small, fruity circles.

Amanda wouldn't give me two today. Yesterday and day before I managed to wheedle 2 of them out of her when she took the box out (I had told her to hide the box). You see, when I wasn't on a diet I would have had that whole box gone in no time. These here I can suck slowly and make the two last about 10 minutes.

Doesn't this sound so childish. Begging my daughter for a bit of candy. It should be the other way around. I can remember being upset to the point of tears because one day not long ago I asked her to get me a muffin (soon I won't be able to eat them) and offered her the money but she didn't do it.

You might ask, I have a license and a car, why didn't I go and get what I wanted. The reason: I don't want to leave the house. I only leave when I absolutely have to, such as my weekend job or dr. visit. I get everybody to pick things up that I need or want. My reasoning is, "Well Amanda and Gene are always going up and down the road, maybe they will pick it up"

And I am known to pay for the privilege. here's $5, get yourself a coffee (while you get my muffin) or to Gene, "if you cash my cheque I will give you $20." What a way to live.

Even when I wasn't on this diet I wouldn't buy myself any "good stuff" even if I passed the coffee shop or whatever. It seemed to me that if someone brought the food to me, it was better than if I got it myself and hid it away (like I used to before I stopped going out of the house). I used to sneak in boxes of Little Debbies and hide them all over, or chocolates that I would eat after everybody else went to bed.

So in a way, not getting out even for the junk that I craved, I saved a lot of calories. There's no more Dollar Store, Job Lot or Christmas Tree Shop to get all the lower-priced good stuff.

So here I sir
t at midnight, writing out this drivel. It seems like after all the begging and writing, the urge for my two little circle jellies has gone. Food is an emotional thing. It seems insane that a 55 year old grown woman would wheedle her 29 year old daughter for a little sweet stuff.

Those of you who naturally don't rely on nice tasting junk food to resolve your emotional problems will never understand what I just wrote.

But the ones struggling with weight like I am will get the picture. We have walked in each others moccasins in forums, weight loss groups, and just talking among ourselves.

I want to be thin and healthy....I want to be thin and healthy

Only 20 calories but....

....It was a start. Just now I dug out the recumbent bike from all the clothes and other items I had stacked on and around it and knocked about 6 inches of dust off. I decided it was time to see if my knee, foot and back could stand some exercise. This is how I stayed on the bike for 10 minutes and only got 20 calories. It was very slow going but as I said it was a start.

Today is day 3 of the shakes-and-one-diet-meal regimen and thank God I don't have to work until the weekend. Those were two very painful days and I hobbled around like one of the poor old dears on the unit.

I think I lost a little water weight because my face doesn't look so puffy. I can't fool myself there is a great deal of work to be done before I can look 1/2 way decent again.

As for the drinks themselves, I will have to buy some more nutmeg, pumpkin pie spice, vanilla and other extracts to flavour them up so I don't get bored. So I went looking for shake recipes. There is a great one using pumpkin and pumpkin pie spice that the poster said tasted just like ...well, pumpkin pie. Gotta try that one

Now for a cake shake, pastry shake, cookie shake etc

Day 2...more shakes. hehehe

Today at work I felt extra huge, extra pain and extra foot trouble. I move just like the old folks, only I don't have a walker with yellow tennis balls dragging the floor. I did a lot of leaning on my cart tho and I didn't do much at all besides my common areas and trash. If it looked clean I let it slide. Just waited until it came time to go home.

This would be a time that I would fill up on junk, trying to make myself feel better but as we all know, once it is in your stomach you feel guilty, extra fat and in my case I get heart-burn for a while. I did look at the junk food machine as I drank my lunchtime shake but it was just a passing thought and it didn't bother me. Not even the sugar wafers 10-to-a-package made me get up and go to my locker.

You see, I had locked up my change purse with all the quarters in it and I was too lazy to fetch it out (which was my idea all along). So I finished my shake and dragged my ass back upstairs for the next couple of hours.

The main steps up through the building (versus the elevators) are right outside the break room door. I saw somebody come in and RUN up the steps. In a flash they had reached the first floor and out of sight.

I used to move quickly too, I thought wearily, as I headed to the elevator. People moving quickly seem to amaze me here lately since I've had to slow right down due to the pain.

I thought, if I stick to the shakes and diet meals, and ignore the sweet junk that was slowly killing me, I might come back to myself, with the help of my lap band. So I have to press forward. I have 12 more days of this diet and then the operation, then I will not care to eat a single thing for a few weeks!!! It's liquids, creamy textured, then pureed and mushies and then introduce regular food very gradually. My feet are on the path so I must walk it

First "Shakes" Day

Today I started drinking the shakes that are supposed to help me lose weight before the operation. I have powdered vitamins and an iron supplement besides. I just ate a Lean Cuisine meal which was some broccoli, meat and noodles in sauce for 280 cals. Because I knew why I was eating so small it didn't really bother me.

I will have another shake tonight using water instead of the skim milk and the beauty of these shakes is that you can add things to them to make them different. When I was on the Excell powder I used to make plenty of things out of it even a kind of ice cream. The trick is to get the vanilla flavour which goes well with frozen fruits, flavourings and what have you.

I have to admit there was something brought in the house that would make me eat and eat if I wasn't on the straight and narrow. Somebody bought in a box of devil dogs but at least I don't have them staring at me. Max for some strange reason wanted them in the freezer. Helps me out.

Most people can't handle a "shakes" diet but because I am lazy it works for me. Plus it doesn't bother me to eat the same thing day after day. At least I know what I will have for the day and for supper I can have a diet meal. Just nuke it, all done!

The main thing is that I shrink my liver as much as possible in the 2 weeks before my operation and lose a few lbs. Plus it is a good introduction to what my life will be like after I get my small stomach. 5 years ago I lost 60lbs this way so I am hoping I can do it again.

My body is in a terrible way. I can't walk far and when I do I feel like I can't catch my breath. Today at work was agony because of my back and ankle and I barely did anything. But far better I show up and do what little I can then call in and have the others be short. It's a real bear to have a whole floor to manage for 5 hours. Don't ask me to stay any longer because 5 hours is torment enough!

Will I be able to Cope?

I am sitting here going through the Obesity Help forums and following links for recipes for shakes and trying to figure it all out. Then it occurred to me that this will be a massive undertaking. If I don't eat right I will get sick. There will only be a small stomach and it can only hold so much. I need help with the meal planning. It seems the more I try to find out about the food part the more confused I get.

The shakes I feel good about because it's all done for me, all I have to do is stir them together. The Lean Cuisine, I just have to remember to get. And the Crystal Light. I love iced tea CL but not the fruit flavours to drink all day long.

I just feel like, remember when you were pregnant and the baby was inside and all you were responsible for was yourself while the baby was inside. Well I remember how I felt when Amanda was finally here and I realised with a shock that here was this helpless little baby and what was I gonna do about it?

That's how I feel about this WLS. Dr Pohl will make me a little stomach and now that it is here, what do I do for it. This might sound strange but that's how I am beginning to feel. While I have quite a few things wrong with me, I have always been proud of my iron-clad stomach. I understand if I don't chew right or try to eat the wrong thing I will throw up or have pain and things I am not used to my stomach doing.

This must be my crazy mind working overtime but it's only now beginning to creep up on me. I am not afraid of surgery or hospitals, I have been there before. I am able to understand what will happen in the operating room and I know I will wake up after and be in recovery. They will keep me in hospital overnight and send me toddling off home the next day with a new little stomach. All that I know and understand.

What makes me nervous is, how do I feed the thing so as not to upset it? Remember I have an iron-clad stomach and so am not used to throwing up or any of those things. I have to have protein and vitamins so they must stay down to do any good. Worry worry worry

Whey and Vitamins

Yesterday I went to GNC and got my whey powder (protein) and vitamins to start my pre-op on Saturday am bright and early. this is what I got:
...Amplified Wheybolic Extreme 60 (the protein shake powder)

...GNC Women's Ultra Mega powder, which provides all the vitamins but iron and is easily absorbed

...and Gentlesorb Iron one of these daily. This is in capsule form

...and a shake maker which looks like a small blender, to make real good smoothies with ice, fruits using the protein powder

I hope I explained all this right. I paid about $100 for everything but there's no "I can't afford it" when it comes to how you have to eat before and after WLS. Not if you want to stay healthy and keep your hair.I have waist-length hair that I have painfully and slowly grown over 3 years and if at all possible I want to hang on to it. There's nothing much more to commend me as I am so fat and sloppy looking. So please let me hang on to my hair at least,lol

I will make three shakes a day, using 1 scoop of powder and a cup of skim milk. It's vanilla powder so I can add things to it. I already tried the Women's vitamin powder. One scoop in 4 oz of water, and shake it up in a covered container. It tastes pretty good for what it is. I make this twice a day.
I also took a iron capsule this am, might as well try that too.

Tomorrow I will try out the miniature blender and see how that works because I will have to take one of those shakes to work with me for lunch on Saturday. I'm not worried about shakes because I've lost weight on them before. It's nice to know what you will eat and not have to worry about recipes and weighing, etc. The small meal will be a Lean Cuisine or something similar, just nuke it no problem.

OK now that I've made it sound so easy, I can admit that I don't know how it will all work out. So long as I lose weight for the surgery so that my liver can shrink as much as possible. Dr Pohl said the smaller the liver, the safer it is to get around it to put the band in.

All in all, I just want this to work. I am sick of being near 300lbs and it is time to move on and take care of my own health needs for a while. A person of normal weight has no idea what it is like to carry around so much weight, then feel lighter and lighter as the fat goes away. Then the good stuff like smaller sized clothes, improved mobility and knowing every lb you take off means better and better health